My email inbox is currently becoming stuffed with inane holiday beauty promos, which I’m sure you’ll all need advising on, but I refuse. I’m sorry, but the advertising push for all of these end-of-year holidays keeps on coming earlier each year, and I don’t have to play into it. I’m not touching that shit until after Thanksgiving. One thing at a time, people! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Nothing pisses me off more than seeing the Halloween shelves at Rite Aid being infringed upon by cutesy-cottage-y Christmas crap. Keep the cherubic, nut brittle filled ceramic Santas the hell away from my bowls of disembodied rubber hands, plz, or I will have to brain some poor pharmacy worker with an encoding gun.

 Anyway, because I’m trying to avoid the Holiday circulars, that leaves me little else to dish about. Uh, basically I’m just going to post about any cosmetic mailer that is not Kringle-related, regardless of how mundane. In fact, this Murad promo at first glance is a real snoozer, but when you read between the lines….

…. It’s a veritable goldmine of completely unfounded rumormongering! 




If you ignore your first reaction, which should be along the lines of “OK, so this company paid to have their swag in the trailers of these shows, blahblah yawn,” and allow for a bit of suspension if disbelief, this email reads like the subtle underminings of a catty makeup artist. Myself having been behind-the-scenes a time or two, I speak fluent Makeup Bitchinese. Lemme break it down for you**:


Gossip Girl:


This is my favorite quasi-diss, because it’s the most salacious. Vitamin C is a powerful antioxidant, useful for both the inside of the body and topically. C-infused reviving creams are like really great for instant brightening, effectively “waking up” tired, stressed skin. Having done on-set makeup in cities where people are known to party a little bit too hard, there have been times when I’ve had to smear Vitamin-C treatment on the faces of hungover people slumped over in my chair, still reeking of gin. Now, combine that nugget of knowledge with the fact that the tabs have reported on the social ways of certain GG castmembers, aaaaand what you can glean is this: someone is saying, in effect, that Leighton Meester is a drunk. There you have it, folks! Haaa!



Grey’s Anatomy:


First of all, I don’t watch this show. All I know of this program is the cast, and paparazzi shots of them that read like Edward Gorey stories: Ellen Pompeo, like a twig on a tree. Hideous Heigl, smoking like a chimney. Mr. McDreamy.. um, who seems kind of like an OK guy. Eh, I give up. Anyway, I can only guess that the “Intense Wrinkle Reducer for Eyes” pertains to wee, Squinty McKindlingarms Pompeo. As the Brits say, after a certain age you have to choose between “your face or your fanny.” Meaning, you can diet and keep your butt tiny, or you can eat much-needed fats and oils to keep your face plump and youthful. Uh, either that, or homegirl is just squinty. But who am I to knock it, squintytimes works for George Clooney!


Ugly Betty:


This one is a no-brainer. They’re saying America Ferrera gets zits. They drive the point home by listing Betty’s likely shade of Acne Treatment Concealer: Medium Dark (actually, I know that AmFer is really fair, but Murad tends to run light. Anyway, I don’t know if that’s her shade at all, I’m just making shit up for fun, as is the point of this post). That is just cold, Murad. America Fererra had the guts to roll her eyes at Blake Lively’s babydiva swanning, and that deserves unending respect. Seriously. I don’t think anyone should ever be allowed to say a bad thing about America just for that. She gets a free pass for life, yo.

  **OK, so if you haven’t figured it out yet: I’m totally kidding. I hope you had fun reading entirely too much into an ad for skincare creams. I know I did! Let’s make up some more bullshit about celebs in the comments!