wonderbread You know, there was a time when I found the blog Stuff White People Like to be borderline unfunny. The whole “white guilt” thing doesn’t seem, to me anyway, to be an endless mine of funny to be excavated indefinitely. It has a limit. Eventually, I just learned to take SWPL in small doses, and then it’s tolerable and chuckles commence. I thought I had made my peace with the idea of a humor site based on racial stereotypes (although, SWPL‘s “stereotypes” are actually really esoteric and far too specific to even really be called that. It’s like, too absurd to be offensive)…. But that was until I discovered Stuff Asian People Like.

 Aw hell….

 

 


secretasianmanjuly29

 Let me kick this pig off by first saying: There is a lot of great Asian humor out there. The blog My Mom is a FOB is all at once hilarious, tender, touching and absurd, just to name one example. But SAPL is not even in the same ballpark as MMIAFOB or SWPL. It’s not in the same neighborhood, county, state, or continent of any funny racial blog. Ladies and gentlemen, this blog is so horrendously unfunny that I’m offended for Asians everywhere. I’m going to go home tonight and give my husband one of those uncomfortably long, awkward, ass-out pity hugs like you get from people in your office after they find out your pet died. This hack blog is so brain-meltingly awful and poorly-written that I want to petition on the behalf of SWPL to have SAPL change their name. This is a situation where a cease-and-desist letter would be entirely appropriate. This blog is so not funny that I want to shut down my computer and go on internet detox for a few weeks. I just can’t stomach that anything so painful is allowed to exist.

 Example:

 Sample paragraph from Stuff White People Like:

 “Every few a months, a white person will put on some Jazz and pour themselves a glass of wine or scotch and tell themselves how nice it is.  Then they will get bored and watch television or write emails to other white people about how nice it was to listen to Jazz at home.  “Last night, I poured myself a glass of Shiraz and put Charlie Parker on the Bose.  It was so relaxing, I wish I had a fireplace.”  Listing this activity as one of your favorites is a sure fire way to make progress towards a romantic relationship with a white person.”

 OR:

 “If you are good at concealing laughter and contempt, you should ask a white person about “Real Hip Hop.”  They will quickly tell you about how they don’t listen to “Commercial Hip Hop” (aka music that black people actually enjoy), and that they much prefer “Classic Hip Hop.”


“I don’t listen to that commercial stuff. I’m more into the Real Hip Hop, you know?  KRS One, Del Tha Funkee Homosapien, De La Soul, Wu Tang, you know, The Old School.”



Calling this style of music ‘old school’ is considered an especially apt name since the majority of people who listen to it did so while attending old schools such as Dartmouth, Bard, and Williams College.



What it all comes down to is that white people are convinced that if they were alive when this music was relevant that they would have been into it.  They would have been Alan Lomax or Rick Rubin.  Now the best they can hope for is to impress an older black person with their knowledge.”



See? And all I did there was read the very first post I came across of SWPL. I didn’t have to look very hard to find a semblance of cleverness, coherent writing, and that elusive mythical beast known as “funny because it’s true.” On the flip side, SAPL is a rambling, jumbled mess that reads like a Tyra Banks panel lecture on ANTM: thesis-less, bereft of fact and logic, equivalent to waving bye-bye to reality.

 

 

(stool)Sample from Stuff Asian People Like:

 

 

“Have you ever wondered why asian girls can date white guys, but it’s rare to see an asian guy with a white girl? This isn’t because asian guys are not attracted to white girls. On the contrary, white girls are many times the secret fantasy of any Twinkie. No, this is not a partially-hydrogenated pastry, but the asian guy who has a bunch of white friends and does the things white guys do. There’s one problem: He’s stuck in an asian body. Twinkies can be compared to a single kitten growing up in the midst of puppies. Twinkies feel like they are puppies because they are enculturated and they like what other puppies like, including the female dogs. Due to this immersion, Asians end up adopting white beauty standards. (but the same isn’t reciprocated by white girls.)”



Um, OK… Where to begin? First of all: not funny. Also: not necessarily true. So, this is automatically exempt from the “funny because it’s true” category. It’s also unfunny because it’s not specific enough. Like, it says that “twinkies” yearn to “do the things white guys do.” Um, what would that be, pray tell? Play video games? Ride skateboards? Participate in group sporting activities? Watch television programs? Learn to play an instrument so as to get together and play mediocre cover songs with friends? Last time I checked, these were socializing behaviors participated in by ALL guys (and women too), regardless of country of origin or race. My point being, if humor (or, say, effectively making your point) is what you seek, you’re going to have to be a lot more specific. If you’re going to play Armchair Sociologist, at least try and make it convincing. Oh, and don’t think for a second that I missed your sweet little analogy that equated white girls with “female dogs.” Way to be subtle, you stupid fuckstick. Hey, how about you take your pathetic Dateless Rage out on the ping pong table there, Hiro (see, look, Asian stereotypes aren’t that hard to find! Only trying to prove a point here).

 

 

Moving on, it’s not like SAPL is not without potential. Some of the topics explored on the site have so much untapped hilarity potential: Outlet malls, staring at people, techno, false humility, bowl haircuts. Hell, simply the widespread Asian love of Sriracha sauce could be pretty funny. Example: How do I know when my (technology/engineering) workplace has hired a new Asian employee? There will be a new personal-sized bottle of Sriracha sauce in the fridge in the break room. No lie. 

 

 

And yet, what does SAPL do with the subject? They write a post about what it’s made from, what it tastes like, the history of the product, and what foods it pairs with. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. HOW is that funny?! HOW does this approach relate in any way to the sarcasm and barbed wit of this site’s predecessor?! How dare this site try to align itself with far superior sites, or even the Stuff ____ People Like name? Oh, and then there’s this:

 

 

“Now that you’ve heard what some people are saying, here’s the SAPL smackdown: Sriracha is loved by asians because it is in fact an Asian Product”



Oh really. That’s your “smackdown”? Asians like Asian things? Get the hell out of town! Next thing you know, these crack cultural whizzes at SAPL will be telling us that Asian people “identify with” other Asians. Oh wait…

 

 

“Asians always feel they either belong to something or feel left out. It’s a sense of belonging or entitlement.”



OK, so lemme get this straight: you can either belong to something or… not belong? It’s kind of like how I can either wear pants or.. not. wear. pants. But leggings are not pants. Revelations! OK, there is no making sense of this truly crappy site. It’s clear that this tripe (hey, wait, Asian people like tripe! I ate tons of it in Japan!) is written by 14-year-olds, so there’s no point in even discussing it. I guess in conclusion I’m just begging for all of you truly funny Asians out there to get together and make a Stuff Asian People Like site that is truly worthy.

 

 

Hate mail in the comments? I think so. With hate mail, you get eggroll.

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