Since I know our female readership here at BCP is made up entirely of gorgeous, fetching lasses, I’m going to go ahead and assume you dolls get hit on a lot. Some of it’s good, right? There are occasionally guys who can pick up a dame with the style, class, and flair, otherwise we’d all have a shorter and more dismal dating history than Jessica Simpson. Oh, to have a Papa Joe around to hook us up with whatever single fella suits our PR agenda best! However, we’re not going to talk about the good kinds of pick ups. The bad is always so much more fun… Here are some common forms of attempted gal trapping:
In lieu of actually posting a pic of a GHP, here is, simply, a cat call. You’re welcome.
The Gross Horny Pickup, usually characterized by unsolicited catcalling (“God bless you, girl!” “Ay mami!” or “Mmmm, yeah. Do you gots big nipples?”) or simply walking up to a lady at a bar, gesturing towards his equally smashed buddy across the room, and mumbling something about a “Chinese fingertrap” *wink wink.* Not sure how this method and those who employ it survive extinction, as the GHP seems to be dismally ineffective and may result in the user undergoing bodily harm.
Did he invent the Neg? No. He just spread the disease.
The Neg, where the guy casually insults the woman as an attempt to pique her interest. I’ve only had this one happen to me a few times, but it usually amounted to a guy (upon just meeting me) calling me stupid to my face and seeing if I really was stupid enough to let it slide. This, coming from a 2-inches-shorter-than-me hipster guy with visible tattoos of Shakespeare passages in latin. I think he also had some Kant or something else on his abdomen. In like, Aramaic or some shit. FAIL. However, the Neg does have a puzzlingly high success rate, provided the target is under 24 years of age, is prescribed to one or more mood stabilizers, and has more daddy issues than Sylvia Plath.
The Rico Suave: a variant of the Gross Horny Pickup. Rico Suave types will lean in close and speak to you in a soft, assuring tone, often lower in decibel and higher in pitch than his normal, conversational speech. RS types are often so busy acting like they’re paying attention to what you’re saying, that they further distract themselves and they end up missing what you’re saying entirely. The best way to tell if the steaming pile of BroHam sweating creatine and Michelob Ultra all over you and addressing you like a toddler is a Suave? Steer the conversation toward Victorian killer diseases like Cholera and Typhoid. If he nods through “suggestive” droopy eyelids and pursed lips and coos, “yeah girl” a lot, you’re got yourself an RS. Suaves are pretty successful at picking up girls, usually of the bleached hair and Juicy Couture sweatsuit variety, though.
I think we’ve all had to endure some variation on the above three pick up styles. These guys are really beyond help, because the underneath all of the groping creepiness is a fundamental hatred for, distrust of, and lack of respect for women. They do not see women as people. Period. They see women as trophies or objectives. Barf. But, then there’s this guy:
The Guy. This poor fella is just a regular guy. Maybe a little awkward, maybe a little nerdy, maybe a little shy, but you have to give him points for even plucking up the courage to talk to you in the first place. This guy has good intentions, it’s plainly obvious that he’s lonely, but it’s just. not. working for you. He’s not even bad-looking at all. Maybe you’d consent to a pity-date if you were actually single (uh, or into guys), but you’re not, so..
So, my question to you all is this: If you could give some advice to the poor schmo who tried to pick up on you last but failed pitifully, what would it be?
As for me, some guy tried to chat me up on the jog trail this week. He really seemed like an OK guy, but a.) I’m totally married and b.) he said some really weird shit to me. My advice to him would be:
* Don’t hit on girls while they’re trying to work out. Workouts are extremely personal, vulnerable times for women. This may be the only time they have to themselves all day, and the last thing a gal needs is some dude trampling all over that.
* Try not to ask too many personal or specific questions about that lady’s life, as it’ll make you look like either a crazy or a country mouse. This guy really did not seem to be the “I just wanted to smell the pretty lady’s hair” type, so I’m going with country mouse on this one. City people are supposed to be on-guard and savvy. I’m not about to tell your ass which building I work in, and it makes you look like a naive hayseed to even ask.
* You just met her. Literally. So…. You know nothing about her. So… Maybe cool it with the “God” stuff? Like, I get that that’s important to you, but you want a date also, yes? I couldn’t shake the feeling that this guy was already trying to feel out my religious beliefs. In a 5-minute conversation, he dropped “blessing”, “spiritual” and “God” like 10 times. He even quoted a passage from the Bible at me, trying to explain how he felt about his day at work. Not. Necessary. I get it that religion is very important to people, but it’s also very personal. To me, religion is exceedingly private. Sharing it with a complete stranger is like walking up to a rando on the street and describing your bowel movements. All I’m saying is, it’s not the best opener. Maybe save the “Sermon on the Mound” references for say, the third date?
All in all, he seemed like a good guy, and I have no real negative feelings towards him, but he should probably brush up his game a bit. Well, anyway, here’s hoping this lonely lad does manage to jog (and Job) his way into some gal’s heart soon. What say you?