I am not a big TV-watcher, but this morning while making brownies and homemade applesauce, I found myself horrified yet enthralled by this ridiculous reality show, Man Vs. Beast.

First I watched a brown bear compete in a hot-dog eating contest with a Japanese power-eater. I was outraged, thinking: “I am sure this bear is THRILLED to have been taken from the wild to come to a television studio to chow down on boiled wieners when he could be out in a river eating a live salmon.” And yet I found myself cheering when the bear kicked the man’s ass.

And then came the sweet-faced lady orangutan, shown above. I almost cried. She was half the Sumo wrestler’s size and had the look of a serene angel on her face. They put her in a diaper and she looked perplexed as they tied the tug-of-war rope around her waist and again, I teared up, thinking: “What kind of barbaric motherfucking show is this? That orangutan should be in the Borneo forest swinging around in the trees and picking nits. What a fucking disgrace!” As the battle began, my heart ached, certain this poor angelic creature would be pulled into the mud pit by the much heavier Sumo wrestler, humiliated and confused.

Instead, she leaned back as though she was lounging in the sun and kicked the Sumo wrestler’s big fat ass. I cheered!

Seriously, though, what kind of show is this? Do the people ever win? Where do these poor animals come from and why is it allowed?

Errrr … another hilarious horrifying episode involving my favourite animal, the orangutan, after the jump.

Look at this sweet little angel!!!