critical-decisions
*The following was excerpted from a thread that my brilliantly hilarious friends contributed to.  Take a stand, pick a side.
Bangmaster
I don’t understand why tiny pies taste so much better than big slices.I now need pie or really good candy.

TruculentandUnreliable
Because they have more crust, which makes them delicious.

Scoregasm
How many times have you and I had this discussion about pie?!?

TheMayorofBethville*
Because it’s just the right amount of pie. And if you have it, it’s gone and you don’t have to stare guiltily at the rest of the pie later.

TruculentandUnreliable
At least two, if not three.

DorothyZbornak
There were tiny pecan pies in our break room last week. I would kill for one right now.And yes, Truculent, it’s the crust that makes the difference. Yum.

TheMayorofBethville
And soon Myrtlebeachbum will be here to tell us why cake is better. And then, we will duel.

Nowimpissed
Cake! Cake!! CAAAAAAAAKE!!!!!!By the way, I have gotten out of the my stomach hurts and I can’t eat phase of my cold and am now in the OMG I’m so hungry even though I’m all stuffy. Someone please bring me a rainbowchip frosting cake and icing please. Thanks.


Scoregasm
Yes! Cake, please.

Myrtlebeachbum
Thank you. I made a strawberry cake last night so I could have the batter and a Diet Coke for dinner. It was gooooood.

TheMayorofBethville
Cake has its merits. You missed me hoovering my two cupcakes on Saturday. It happened. I’m not ashamed. But pie! Pie!!! PIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!! I love it.For comparison, let’s say I am torn between two lovers. One who is very good at the sex. He buys me things. He takes me on vacations. And yet, I feel in a way that to him I am just another woman to be pleased. He hoses me down with whipped cream and attempts to lick it off without even asking me if that is something I am interested in doing. In short, he is fun and exciting, but he and I do not have a long-term connection.But there is another lover who is maybe a bit scruffier. He has simple tastes but is interesting and nice. Maybe he isn’t the fanciest man out there. He comes in a tiny pie tin that is covered with Saran wrap, not a fancy cupcake box tied up with string. And yet, it is scruffy man that I crave more often. It is pie.

The End.


DorothyZbornak
That was beautiful. And so true.While I love cakes (and cupcakes!) dearly, nothing can compare to the juxtaposition of a warm flaky crust against a hot, gooey center. Plus, it’s easier to put ice cream on pie than it is on cake.

Bangmaster
I have said it before and I will say it again: Bad cake is much more pervasive than bad pie.And there’s something really homey and elemental about pie. It’s pretty basic. Flour, butter, salt, water, sugar, fruit. But those basic ingredients, made with love and good ingredients, can become something really magical.(Although we are getting the World’s. Best. Cupcakes. for Christmas).

Myrtlebeachbum
Pie has an enlarged prostate and his breath smells like coffee. He’s all yours!
SigourneyFever

Pie is crusty and flaky. Cake is firm.In the end, never go with a flaky and crusty man. It’s just bad policy.

TheMayorofBethville
You’re just mean.Cake has crabs. Big, itchy ones.

Myrtlebeachbum
I saw pie hanging out at the gas station with his friends yesterday, picking his teef with a straw.

Nowimpissed
I want a power chair from the Scooter Store. I should call Medicare to see if I qualify.Related, I should stop watching TV during the day.

TheMayorofBethville
You are very right. If it’s just a bit dry. If the frosting is gross, cake is not edible. Pie is almost never inedible.

Nowimpissed
Pie still lives with his mother and spends all day chatting about blow jobs with 15 year-old Jezebel commenters and masterbating.Cake is an astronaunt with a golden retriever puppy.

TheMayorofBethville
That’s it! It’s on!You, me, and Nowimpissed out in the streets right now. It’s a dance off.
Bangmaster
If pie were a person, s/he would be a carpenter.If cake were a person, s/he would probably be an investment banker.Now, seriously, what’s hotter than a carpenter?

Myrtleeachbum
Hold, please. Let me put my leg warmers on first.Nowimpissed, don’t shimmy. I’m warning you.

TheMayorofBethville
Nothing, that’s who.

MsDirector
HAHAHAHAHA you guys are killing me with these personified desserts. I am shaking and crying with laughter so as not to disturb my coworker.Me? I want it all. Cake and pie, please.

Myrtlebeachbum
If pie were a person, he would be Wilford Brimley. And have diabeedus.

TheMayorofBethville
And I’m going to get out my poofy square dancing skirt and rat my hair up huge. Does anyone know someone who can play the fiddle?

Bangmaster
Unless, of course, pie is a lumberjack. But not gay like the Brawny man. Cobbler is gay like the brawny man.

TheMayorofBethville
WHORE.

Pickles Inmytuna
chosing between pie and cake is WRONG! For shame! It’s like asking a mother to chose between her children. I have enough love for both pie and cake.

TheMayorofBethville
And his boyfriend is souffle who speaks with a phony French accent and says, “Sister, please” a lot.

SigourneyFever
Jesus was a carpenter. You don’t make out with Jesus.That’s 2 more points for cake.

Nowimpissed
If I shimmy, it may get the competition laughing so hard that we win by default.

Myrtlebeachbum
It’s the Sophie’s Choice of the dessert course.TruculentandUnreliable, don’t think I don’t see you over there in Switzerland nibbling on a cookie.

Bangmaster
But BritneyCanadaWhore is a carpenter, so I think that is a win for pie.

AmazonRedheadedUberVixen
Let’s just let them all slay each other with their killer dance moves and eat all the pie AND cake ourselves. We’ll each start with a piece of each on the same plate. It’ll be scandalous!

SigourneyFever
You have a point, m’lady.Still: Fudgie the Whale does not come in pie form.2 more points for cake.

TruculentandUnreliable
Hee hee.

Bangmaster
No, that’s ice cream, dressed up like cake. It’s the drag queen of the dessert world.

TheMayorofBethville
Hey, now. Fudgie the Whale does not count as it is not technically cake.

TheMayorofBethville
*chest bump*

MsDirector
Excellent plan.I do have to give points to cake for molten chocolate cake. You don’t get molten pie.On the other hand, pecan pie. That needs no further explanation.

Overall, I think I’ll go with pastry. Does a lemon tart count as pie? Or is it different? I want a lemon tart. (Vulgar!)


DorothyZbornak
Ooh, score!

Nowimpissed
Ice cream cake is cake. You people are bigots! Why can’t you let cake express itself in all it’s wonderful forms. Embrace the diversity!And for the love of god, will someone please bring me a cake!!!

TheMayorofBethville
Nope. It doesn’t have a leavening agent in it. Therefore, it is not cake. Ha.

SigourneyFever
ICE CREAM CAKEEEEEEEEE.It counts.

SigourneyFever
It has a base, a filling, and frosting. It is a cake.

TheMayorofBethville
The bakers of the world would disagree. Perhaps to the point where they would stop baking cakes and go weep to themselves.

AmazonRedheadedUberVixen
So if I put frosting on an apple pie, does that make it cake? It would have a base, a filling and frosting.

Nowimpissed
Leavening agent my ass. It’s called cake. It’s cake. And I want one now.

LipstickLibrarian
Reminds me of Never Been Kissed: “Who ate my pie?”

Nowimpissed
Well this is a whale of a debate!

TruculentandUnreliable
Yeah, I mean, it’s really just a block of ice cream with some frosting on it. You can call it a cake, but it’s not.

SigourneyFever
Not you too!

AmazonRedheadedUberVixen
That comment gets you a 1 point penalty in favor of pie.

Myrtlebeachbum
What do we eat on wondrous occasions like a wedding, baby shower, birthday, retirement party? Cake.What do they serve in the nursing home for dessert? Pie. Trust me on this.

SigourneyFever
HA!I will hereby submit Baked Alaska as a representation of ice cream cake. And you can’t deny that Baked Alaska is, indeed, a cake. So suck on that, PieFaces.

TheMayorofBethville
Until yesterday I owned a cookie jar that looked like a toaster, but it wasn’t really a toaster. It just looked like one. It would have been awfully silly of me to try to toast something in a cookie jar.

AmazonRedheadedUberVixen
My brother and his wife had delicious apple pie ala mode at their wedding. It was way better than most wedding cakes I’ve had.

Myrtlebeachbum
The Republican SIL? Mmmm hmmmm.

SigourneyFever
Also?Cupcakes=cake. YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!

AmazonRedheadedUberVixen
Yeah, I just realized that. I guess that’s a point for cake.

Myrtlebeachbum
Plus you can decorate a cake with candy. Candy looks ridiculous on pie.

TheMayorofBethville
My dad prefers pie and hates frosting. My dad is liberal. And awesome. Case and point, the time he did an impression of Dr. Ruth during a round of Cranium. My dad FTW.

SigourneyFever
This is true.I like pie. But cake is better. And candy is best.

TheMayorofBethville
http://www.foodhistory.com/foodnotes/road/al/eufaula/cajun/03-image.jpg

SigourneyFever
My dad got so high on oxycontin when he threw his back out that he spent 48 hours crawling up and down the hallways, crab style, singing “Harper Valley PTA.”My dad likes cake. Cake wins.

Myrtlebeachbum
I don’t like it. Anything could be swimming around in that filling.

BadenBaden
I’m just here to put in another vote for cake.Nowimpissed, were you talking earlier about confetti/funfetti cake? (you said rainbow chip but I think we’re talking about the same thing…)That is the greatest cake ever, and I still demand it for my birthday every year. Even though I am not 11.

Myrtlebeachbum
That website doesn’t work for me. Is it candy pie?

SigourneyFever
I love Funfetti cake. Why is it so good? It is truly the perfect dessert from a box.


TheMayorofBethville
Try this one.  http://www.nydailynews.com/blogs/rosemary/docs/images/reeses_pie.jpg

Bangmaster
I really want to meet your dad.My mom can’t even bake cookies, but she can bake a pie.And my dad buys pies from the Amish who sell them at the Farmer’s Market. You know what you can’t buy at the farmer’s market? Homemade cake, made from locally and organically grown materials.

Pie wins.


SigourneyFever
Also, Mayor, without cake, we would have no Cake Wrecks, and the world would be a sadder place.

LipstickLibrarian
I’d say I’m firmly on the CAKE side, but for one small caveat: cheesecake.Cheesecake is technically pie, is it not? Given a choice between some random fruit pie or birthday cake, it’s gonna be cake every time.But birthday cake or CHEESECAKE? No contest.

Being as I refuse to defect to the Pie team, I’m gonna stay where I am on a technicality: It’s not called “cheesepie.”


Bangmaster
A point against cake?Those creepy cakes with faces screen=printed into the frosting. You can screen print a creepy face on a pie.


TheMayorofBethville
There is no need for Pie Wrecks. Pie is always pretty.

Myrtlebeachbum
OK. I would eat the top off that pie.Now that I know Badenbaden will be hanging out in our kitchen at the compound, luring M in for visits, I am satisfied with the cake alliance I have built and call a cease fire.

SigourneyFever
Wikipedia has cheesecake listed as a “tart.” So perhaps it is neutral?

Bangmaster
Cheesecake is a slut and plays both teams.

SigourneyFever
But is it hilarious? No. And that, my friend, is lame.

SigourneyFever
I think we need to use our awesome powers and create CakePie.
BadenBaden
My secret plan is now under way.

DorothyZbornak
That may be the best idea I’ve heard, EVER.
LipstickLibrarian
Are you trying to make me cry?
SigourneyFever
How would we go about creating such a thing?I vote that there be Funfetti involved.


AmazonRedheadedUberVixen
It would be the confectionery equivalent of ManBearPig. Not sure it can be done.

Bangmaster
This could either be awesome, like chocolate covered bacon, or bad like turducken.

MsDirector
OH MY GOD. CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. I want to meet your dad and give him an extremely large hug. Because he is awesome.I don’t like cheesecake. Another point for pie, as far as I’m concerned.Although if you do actually come up with CakePie, Sigourney, I’m coming over to your side.

Mrytlebeachbum
I loathe cheesecake. Shit is nasty.

SigourneyFever
Ok-What if you bake a cupcake inside of a miniature pie crust, and then top it with either warm fruit topping, crumb topping, or frosting, depending on the person’s cake/pie preference?Example: pie crust, vanilla cupcake, warm cherry topping: Cherry Cake Pie

SigourneyFever
I hate cheesecake too! And here I thought I was alone on this. Madness.

MsDirector
YES! Someone finally agrees with me!!! I knew I loved you.Cheesecake can kiss my ass.

Bangmaster
But it needs the lattice top with the big pieces of sugar.And whipped cream.

BadenBaden
I despise cheesecake.I’ve also never really tried it, but I just can’t. Cheese in a cake? NO.

TheMayorofBethville
Wouldn’t that kind of cake that you top with fruit filling qualify as a type of CakePie?

Bangmaster
I am also anti-cheesecake. It’s gross.

AmazonRedheadedUberVixen
Throw some chocolate or cherry sour candies on top and I’m down with that.You are a genius. There may be hope for a Pie / Cake peace accord in our lifetimes.

SigourneyFever
Well no, because it doesn’t have the crust. It’s just cake, really.

TheMayorofBethville
Speaketh not of not liking cheesecake in the presence of yon Golden Girls.

SigourneyFever
How can we all love the Golden Girls and all hate cheesecake?
Pickles Inmytuna

Where does pudding pie fit into this debate?

SigourneyFever
Pudding pie has a graham cracker crust, so I think it’s a pie, based on the crust alone.
SigourneyFever
And yet Boston Cream Pie, weirdly enough, is a cake.

LipstickLibrarian
OMG, yes!!And I believe I have the last word in our epic debate: Naked women don’t jump out of giant pies.

Myrtlebeachbum
Lipstick nails it at the buzzer! We’re done here, folks. Naked lady confection wins.

TheMayorofBethville
And on that day, the two opposing forces of Cakedom and Pieville looked at each other and saw potential for peace. And all was well.

AmazonRedheadedUberVixen
I fucking love cheesecake. Bitches be crazy.

kadinsky
shhhiiiitt. don’t even ask me to pick ‘cuz you hookers know I go both ways.

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