My mother is a shrew. She is the type who opens a Christmas gift and sneers that she’s never liked that colour, so why on Earth would you have got it for her? The type who will not have her coat off before she’s criticizing your failure to open the door fast enough. The type who will spend the first half hour in your house tsking and telling you what you need to be doing differently in terms of your housework, your decorating or your storage systems.
To summarize, since I moved out at 21, I have had a hard time being in her presence for more than an hour. Believe me, I have stood up to her, and there have been many, many screaming matches. But she remains the rudest and most critical person I have ever known. She is rude to people working in the service industries, and when she comes to visit, she treats you like you are simply the waitress and/or maid and therefore the treatment is the same. She is a bigot. She is loud. She is obnoxious. She is cold and unloving. She is Olivia Soprano, and she’s my fucking mother, and I have spent my life asking myself: “Why me?”
To top it all off, she’s cheap as hell. I am giddy with anticipation this year knowing that, once again, I am going to get another collection of dollar-store tea towels and crocheted dishrags from the church bazaar. Merry Christmas to me. I’d actually rather just have the five bucks.
So imagine my delight knowing that in one hour, her plane is touching down, and I will have five solid days of the woman my siblings and I have long referred to simply as Hagatha. I have not smoked marijuana in a month, saving what little I have left in order to help me survive these next few days. I have one Percocet. I am trying to figure out what, if anything, I can buy at the drugstore that will numb me to her lunacy. Suggestions are welcome, by the way.
One thing that I know will help is writing a daily diary highlighting some of Hagatha’s Greatest Holiday Hits. Every day, I will drop in to share with you one or two pithy quotes or anecdotes that will pretty much sum up what I am dealing with until the 27th. I thank you in advance for your tolerance. Please be nice to me. My neck hurts already.
December 22, 2008 at 11:31 am
I guess I could use some tea towels…
Can’t wait to read some more. Just show her pictures of my baby and she’ll mellow out.
Or give her the percocet?
December 22, 2008 at 11:38 am
I suggest horse tranqs. For her, not you. It’ll be like Weekend at Bernie’s, and she can be Bernie!
December 22, 2008 at 12:02 pm
Oh hell Trixie that sounds like something from Dante. I agree w/the 2 previous comments…tranquilize Hagatha, NOT yourself! Might I suggest a few dramamine crushed and added into her beverages/food throughout the day. Or, if you can get your hands on some Ativan/Lorazepam it’s a miracle drug to mellow-out people.
Good luck, keep us posted on which level of hell you’re enduring.
December 22, 2008 at 12:26 pm
BUTTERCUP IN TROUBLE! I think we need a drug drive for poor Trixie. Everyone, please, go through your medicine cabinets and send whatever you can spare. Even the smallest gifts can make the biggest difference. Personally, I don’t have pills but I’ll gladly send along a bottle of whatever might nicely wash them down.
December 22, 2008 at 1:35 pm
I’m so sorry this sounds especially hard to deal with. Sleeping pills crushed into her food beverage maybe?
The gift story reminds me of something a friend of mine just told me about his snotty obnoxious 10 yo nephew who he refers to as Damian. He say for the past like 4 years, every time he opens whatever gift my friend gives him he says “Are you sure this is my gift?” And when the mom tells him to say thank you he’ll reply w/ something like “I don’t like it why do i have to say thank you”. He says this year he’s wrapping up a bag of coal for him.
December 22, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Trix, I suggest drugging Hagatha. And if that fails just tune her out completely and don’t argue….maybe if you take the fuel away her fire will die down? Good luck!
December 22, 2008 at 1:52 pm
Trixie? I can FedEx you some pills.
December 22, 2008 at 2:03 pm
OY!! I feel for you. I am trapped with my parental units for 17 days. I just realized that I am related to some odd and annoying people. Purchase her a tanning lamp to keep her preoccupied during your stay.
December 22, 2008 at 2:09 pm
I have an aunt EXACTLY like that, and I found the best way to deal with her is to eff with her mind. Agree with her on EVERYTHING! She complains about the service, you chime in “Yeah, Those effin’ immigrants!” She whines about your cleanliness, you explain, “By God you are right, I am a total slob!” Arm yourself by disarming her. Deflate her arguments. When you get her crappy gift, give her some of her own back and tell her exactly how crappy it is… and mean it. I promise, she might dig her heels in at first but by the end of the 5 days, she’ll STFU.
And have fun with it.
December 22, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Ceejee is so right!! I have an aunt who, occassionally (ok, mostly), can be a complaining wench all the time – I think it’s just habit now, and she doesn’t even realize she does it. So my mom just plays along with her and sort of makes it a game. Eventually my aunt realizes people are making fun of her, not agreeing with her, and she snaps out of it.
December 22, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Of course, you know your mom better than I do :) You know where to find reinforcements if you need them!
December 22, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Exactly, Badenbaden! Have fun at her expense. Good times!
My dad sometimes likes to play the “victim” card when I try to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do, like eat right or physical therapy. He’ll say things like, “You’re so mean because you don’t love me.” and I deadpan reply, “You’re right… I don’t.” Crickets. Then he realizes how stupid he sounds and apologizes. All that matter when it comes to people like that is that YOU know the truth of things.
December 22, 2008 at 2:31 pm
I guess it’s too late to call customs and tell them not to let this woman into the country, as she is a terrorist (she terrorizes you, so yes, she is).
You have my utmost sympathy. And I third the people suggesting you play along with her and see if it messes with her head.
December 22, 2008 at 2:44 pm
Dayquil, get the gel caps and you can dissolve them in some juice for her. If she’s anything like me one dose will have her nice and mellowed out for hours
December 22, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Trixie, just remember that there’s no law that says you have to welcome toxic people into your home simply because they are blood relations.
My life improved immeasurably when I realized and acted on that idea. Now my rude, critical, passive-aggressive relatives are no longer in my life and I’m MUCH happier.
So I just put that out there. Your mom might be furious if next year you say “You know, Mom, we made other plans.” But her long-distance fury would still long-distance, and at the end of the day, you and yours get to have happiness and harmony for the holidays instead of resentment and anger.
December 22, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Agreed BeckySharper! I am allergic to negative people. I even have a button that says so. Now, I live with my parents so to avoid their negativity (and sick elderly folks can get mighty negative) but that’s why I have an iPod… so I can tune them out when they get extra-ornery.
December 22, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Oooh, Trixie, that sounds rough. I’m sorry your mum’s such a …
You could always put your marijuana into some cake batter and bake a space cake. That way you can both get high and mellow out. Also, once slice suffices for quite a while.
So I guess I’m the only one here who’s voluntarily going on a 7-day holiday with her parents? They rented a chalet! On a hill! It has a rec room! How can I say no to that?!
December 22, 2008 at 4:14 pm
You are a saint, Trixie. Personally, I would not answer the phone if my mom were like this and wanted to come visit. I would drop out of sight. I would fake my own death.
December 22, 2008 at 5:08 pm
My dear, fabulous Trixie! Repeat after me: This too shall pass.
It will, I promise. Peace of mind may be MIA for the next five days, but eventually her ass will be on another plane (O hai, unintended double meaning!) and your house will be your home once again.
I’d suggest spin class, and walks around your pretty woods, as often as possible.
December 22, 2008 at 9:16 pm
I suggest a large bottle of Gin! Even the most insufferable of situations can quickly become tolerable with sufficient booze. Like having to watch High School Musical 3.
December 22, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Or vodka, at second viewings of Twilight!
We make a good team, M.
Seriously, Trix? You know what I’ve got. You know it’s yours if you say the word. Bird, bird, bird. Bird is the word. Your mom DOES sound like a hag. I really hope that all her cheap ass gifting is due to a really fat inheritance you’ll get so long as you behave like a nice, sweet girl and put her up for the holidays.
When I walked in today with a stack of boxes from the post, the petite asked, “Do you think one of those is from Grandma?” You know, for her upcoming birthday.
I’m bracing myself for the fact that the bitch may very well let the petite down this year.
Can we get them on B’s list, stat?
December 22, 2008 at 10:48 pm
I’ve dealt with family wenches in the past and while the counselor in me is aching to try to give you some great coping tips, I have to say go with the meds. With a vodka chaser. She can’t hurt you if you’re incoherent.
December 22, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Skinny’s Mom
Trixie’s Mom
Both are on the list. I am NOT playing.
December 22, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Trixie, God bless. I recommend drunkenness. And the smug self-satisfaction that comes from knowing you are an awesome mother to your kids.
December 23, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Crush four Tylenol PM’s into some chocolate pudding and serve.