It is almost difficult to write this final chapter because the old dame is now at the airport and I am so relieved that I don’t even want to revisit the madness. Hello ganga and peace and quiet! But I couldn’t leave you bitches — and Dale — hanging.

Last night’s highlights were something. Read all about it after the jump:

1. Both my daughter and I caught her, at separate times, snooping through our stuff. My daughter’s purse (‘I was looking for tissue paper!!!’) and my sock drawer. My daughter pretended she didn’t see and watched her scurry nervously out of the room when she walked in on her.

2. She interrupted the kids in the middle of an intense scene in Apocalypse Now to interrogate them about the pencil eraser she found on the floor of her bedroom, the room my daughter was staying in before she arrived.  What is it? (I don’t know.) Well it was in YOUR ROOM, you should know what it is! (It looks like a pencil eraser.) What is it? (Nanny, it’s a pencil eraser.) How did it get there?? It wasn’t there this morning! (One of the cats probably found it and and was batting it around and playing with it.) WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH IT? (I don’ t know.) I don’t know what to do with it!!! (Put it on the dresser in the bedroom and I guess my Mom will deal with it. It’s a pencil eraser, it’s not a hand grenade.)

3. The kids and my ex were up at 6 a.m. this morning to drive to Canada. Of course she had to get up to supervise the departure. And by supervise, I mean annoy the living shit out of all four of us. High-decibel, repetitive nagging of the kids to remember to fasten their seatbelts, criticizing the way everyone had packed their bags (??), second-guessing every plan my ex  made about when to stop for food, what route to take (the woman does not drive and is unsure what state we’re in, by the way), what to do if they hit bad weather.

After their departure, the house was filled with a tense silence. I called the cab an hour earlier than necessary just to get her out of the house because I couldn’t stand the tension. She hugs me as she’s getting the cab, thanks me for a “lovely Christmas” and then adds that she’s sorry if she ruined it for me.

Go fucking figure. For the life of me, I will never be able to figure the woman out. Does she know how intrusive and obnoxious she is and yet she just can’t stop? Does she continue to behave the way she does even when she can see she is offending and disturbing everyone close to her because she enjoys bothering people? Or is she such a narcissist that no matter how many times you try to tell her politely to back off, she knows better and so will do what she wants? My daughter noticed that even after I finally snapped on Christmas Day, she was behaving in exactly the same way within 10 minutes.

Once again, I think of my poor dead father, a gentle and easy-going man who never had a nasty thing to say about a soul, who gave my sister a hug and told her how much he loved her when she came out at 19, who didn’t have an obnoxious bone in his body. How did he manage to last 27 years with her before finally bailing?