Despite having dated my share of junkies, I’ve never really understood addiction. It just doesn’t compute. Like, you really can’t stop smoking/drinking/speedballing/snorting/shooting up? Really? I couldn’t keep up any of that shit long enough to get addicted. Maybe it’s just where I’ve lived, but it seems to me like getting a fix all the time is work. You have to go get cigs even if you don’t have any damn groceries in the house and then you have to stand out in the rain/cold/snow/excessive heat in order to smoke them, liquor stores only keep certain hours so getting your drunk on requires keeping a mental timetable, coke dealers are never around where/when they say they’ll be and tracking them down is like the plot from one of those One Craaaazy Night-type movies, only at the end you’re weeping on a pee-soaked bedframe in county lockup instead of riding off into the sunset with your crush. Man, fuck, my lazy ass has enough shit to deal with. I don’t have time to do addictive drugs.

 But, as we know, folks get addicted to all sorts of things like gambling, computer duster, and plastic surgery. Yet more compulsions where my sympathy quotient is about level with my understanding: dead fucking zero. But you know, I get that Body Dismorphia is a real thing, I just don’t even envision having the means to augment the slope of my eyebrows 2 centimeters or get an ass-lift that is barely perceivable while clothed. However, there is an online photoshop/simulated plastic surgery tool that is quickly becoming my crack. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous LiftMagic:



I love that the default trial photo on the site is, like, the only photo this shit could ever work on. And by “work”, of course I mean “ridiculously distort, but it could be so much worse.” But OH! Is it fun. Examples of my handiwork, after the jump!

             panda_before                         panda_after

Look it’s ME! I look… Blurry. Moving on..



What does this fantastic tool do for models who are already gorgeous?

    model_before                     model_after

OH MY EYES! MYYY EYYYEEEES! I’m not sure why, but this After pic reminds me of the Weird Al movie UHF. No specific character or scene, really. Just, like, the whole thing.




I could see this photoshop for dummies thing taking over social networking and dating sites. It’s going to be as big as the “MySpace Angle”, only easier to spot. Let’s see if it works:



If this guy propositioned you for sex on Nerve would you go meet him for a drink?



How ’bout now. YEAAAAH.



And finally, because it doesn’t get more funhouse-mirror-face than Angelina Jolie:


     angie_before                   angie_after
You’re welcome.