Since I moved to the U.S. and made the terrible mistake of going with Verizon DSL instead of Comcast, simply because Verizon promised to show up sooner,  I have lived to bitterly regret the decision. Every time it rains, I lose my connection for at least two or three days except for maybe 15 minutes an hour, if I’m lucky. I call Verizon on average once a week, pleading for someone to come out and figure it out.

They have come and told me nothing’s wrong. Next rainy period, bye bye Internet.

They have come and told me it’s the fault of my wireless router. It’s not. It always makes a strong connection. I spent an hour on the phone talking to the Netgear people who did all the diagnostic tests and everything is fine. Next rainy period, bye bye Internet.

I Googled and saw that this is a frequent complaint from Verizon DSL customers and it has something to do with the cheap wiring they use and how moisture gets into the line and causes connection problems.

So when I lost the connection five days before Christmas (and didn’t end up getting back online for more than a half-hour here and there for more than a week), I threw a massive tantrum and demanded someone come immediately and figure out what was up with the wiring. My evil mother was enough to handle, but without the Internet? NO! Read what happened next after the jump.

A very nice man named Clyde came to the house and did all sorts of tests with all sorts of buzzing and clicking devices. He told me there was nothing wrong with the wiring, but the modem was on the blink. It’s just a coincidence that it ALWAYS craps out when it rains, Clyde assured me. Another modem would be FedExed to me overnight. That was Dec. 22. The modem has yet to show up.

I used to love the rain. I looked forward to every rainstorm. A couple of days of steady showers always made me feel calm and cleansed. I loved the smell of it and the sound of  it and the shimmery beauty of the droplets on the leaves and on the grass and on the trees.

And now, thanks to Verizon, every time my son and I hear there’ s rain in the forecast we plunge into a panic as though we’re in Poland in 1939 and the Germans are approaching.  “Oh God, no,” we say to one another in horror, fear and dread.

Since I am on a first-name basis with pretty much the entire Verizon tech-support call center now, located in India (thanks, Indira, for being so kind to me and talking me off the ledge when I totally LOST it three days before Christmas), I got a breathless call last week telling me my troubles were over since FIOS was now available in my hood. And they’d be giving me a big discount on my next few bills, they said. They’re coming on Tuesday to hook me up, they said gleefully!

Why, however, that I am doubting this shitty and ridiculously unreliable company on this front? Firstly I suspect they aren’t going to show up, much like the phantom new modem, and then I fear it isn’t going to make a bit of difference anyway.

And what’s worse? I am also dealing with Verizon headaches in my workplace. They suddenly just cut off my dedicated line for my fax machine for no reason anyone can understand. Not only that, but my Verizon Blackberry frequently just craps out and the alarm doesn’t go off when it’s set to go off. What the fuck is that? Seriously? When I talked to the RIM people, they told me it was a problem with Verizon, not the device.

So I am fighting this company on the beaches at the office and at home.

Comcast, I’m sorry. Had I known the first time it rained that this was going to be an ongoing problem for months, I’d have dumped this psychotic game-player a long time ago and asked you out instead.