Are you custom-made, custom-paid, or you just custom-fitted?
Have you ever bought a strap-on harness? I have. A few. There are tons of things to consider, such as material, color, ring size, hardware, support straps, and of course, LOOKS. In the past, I’ve bought a couple from Good Vibrations and Toys In Babeland because they are helpful and convenient, but this is a rant about my experience with the harnesses and the absurd guidelines for caring for them.
Mine are always leather, because leather smells good, it looks good and it is supposed to be durable. Shoes are made of leather. Jackets are made of leather. You can even harness a horse with leather! I naively thought it could last forever!
The Jaguar harness, at roughly $100 each, comes in relatively sparse packaging from Aslan Leather Inc. , located in Canada. Maybe people do buy harnesses only to wear out at Folsom Street Fair, standing far away from any sort of fluid (if that can somehow be achieved), but I bought mine for sexing. Guess what? If things go well, there’s no bloody way that thing is going to stay dry. If things go REALLY well, it will also be impossible to clean without a ton of soap and water. Sometimes I even get in the shower (OMG) with the harness, and do you know what happens in showers, Aslan Leather? Water comes out of the sky just like in a magical rain forest and the whole point is to NOT avoid the water! Do leather shoes or jackets come with a warning to avoid water?! No!
Good Vibes, god bless them, recommends:
Care and Cleaning: Keep your harness as clean as you would any other item of intimate apparel. Hand wash your harness with mild soap and water, and let it dry thoroughly before putting it away.
Okaaaaaaaaaaay. First, all of my “intimate apparel” goes in the fucking washing machine and then into an industrial-strength dryer. Not exactly the right treatment for leather and metal. Second, define “thoroughly” because if I towel dry my person and harness, how can I be sure that all moisture is removed?? Hint: You can’t! The rivets and buckles – the supposedly “industrial-grade stainless steel” rivets and buckles – will rust. RUST!! Do you want rust near your junk? I don’t! Does mild soap get rid of rust?? Another generous hint: IT DOES NOT! WTF am I supposed to do with a rusty harness? (Last hint, I swear: Expect two rusted harnesses in the mail next week, Aslan! I am holding you to your lifetime warranty.)
So! While this international gaffe plays out with Aslan, the wife and I headed to Mr. S Leather / Madame S Boutique in San Francisco’s SOMA district. These guys are serious. They understand leather and they understand sex, and they have probably subjected their products to all sorts of things I can’t even imagine! At first I was underwhelmed with their selection of harnesses, there were only two each in both the Mr. and Madame sections, whereas they had at least 10 different types of gas masks, hundreds of leather restraints and several swing-cage-things throughout the entire space. I tried on a few styles and sizes and then talked to the salespeople.
I said:
“Look, I don’t want these steel rivets, why can’t they be more like the fag harness that has black hardware?”
“Oh, we can do that,” they said breezily, “If you just want to change the rivets, we can do that for you today.” Genius! But then I looked at the huge buckles and wondered if they could change those out for snaps, instead. “Hm…yes, we can do that. Can you show me how you want them to look?”
BRILLIANT! Apparently, S&M Santa works well into the New Year, and he has nimble little elves in PVC chaps and chains working behind thick leather curtains in the back of Mr. S! There’s even a full-time person named Skeeter who works there solely to help you design and realize your own unique harness dreams.
Thus, my custom harness should be ready in the next week or so! Now I am super excited about my custom-designed harness because if feels even better than going to a tailor for a suit. It’s like having cake AND pie, even though pie is vastly superior. They also will replace any hardware at any time if it rusts, for free! And, because my requests were so minimal, they charged me the same amount for a ready-made harness, nothing more. Amazing. I hope they use my model and name it after me.
January 9, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Oh My! Welcome back Sugar Walls. I’ve missed you.
January 9, 2009 at 1:34 pm
I am so, so amused by the juxtaposition of harnesses and Verizon. Regardless of the product, bad and good service count! Hee. I wonder what Trixie’s favorite tech support lady in India would have to say about M’s rust problems.
January 9, 2009 at 1:37 pm
“Apparently, S&M Santa works well into the New Year, and he has nimble little elves in PVC chaps and chains working behind thick leather curtains in the back of Mr. S!”
That’s one of the weirdest yet awesomest mental images ever.
January 9, 2009 at 2:59 pm
“It’s like having cake AND pie, even though pie is vastly superior.”
Amen!
And though you might think otherwise, it is generally a good thing to have a person named Skeeter on your side. Trust.
January 9, 2009 at 2:59 pm
This was seriously THE BEST SEX-RELATED RETAIL EXPERIENCE of my life, and the thing isn’t even ready yet. It’s that good. Wowee.
January 9, 2009 at 3:54 pm
I just got a call, MY ITEM IS READY!!!
January 9, 2009 at 3:56 pm
WOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Yesssss. I heart this weekend.
January 9, 2009 at 4:09 pm
jaysus, even I’m excited for this fancy new dong sling. I hope y’all recreate the first scene from the Superfreak party – and then I will actually turn green from the envy.
April 30, 2010 at 4:17 pm
ZOMG, we still have Superfreak. Why didn’t you take it when you were here?
April 30, 2010 at 4:44 pm
I don’t know, send it over. and AHEM, I am still waiting on that porn review.
January 9, 2009 at 4:50 pm
The first scene was masturbatory, technically. WALL SEX! That’s the one you mean. I’m sure I can bully her into it.
January 9, 2009 at 5:07 pm
yah, wall sex – the first scene when she gets to the party. god, that tomboy was hott.
January 9, 2009 at 10:59 pm
I am the only fucking human on the planet who has had a negative leather experience with Skeeter. Maybe it was the fact that she and I never spoke face to face, that she never came out from behind the leather elf curtains, but I ended up paying a lot of fucking money for something I can’t use. OF COURSE I should’ve gone back. But face it, I never keep a receipt, I don’t have any idea what the sales guy – the highly suspect middleman – even looked like, so you know … screw it.
But yes, I have lived in the Bay Area for (doing math, hang on) 22 years, so I do know who Skeeter is and I am aware of her talent: so I blame the dude for not relaying the measurements correctly. If it was a harness I’d have gone back regardless, but it was a leather bauble, so screw it. However, I’m not having anything else custom made there unless the magic elf comes out from behind the curtain. Cautionary leather tale for all who seek custom work in SF.
Aside: enjoys the blog from M for a change. More.
January 9, 2009 at 11:21 pm
nice! it sounds so snazzy. also, apparently i need to watch superfreak.
ps pie FTW
January 10, 2009 at 8:01 pm
i want one!!
January 10, 2009 at 10:22 pm
@knifemouth : you didn’t try it on when you picked it up?? my harness needs adjustments, but its the kind of thing you can only find out after giving it a good test drive!
January 11, 2009 at 4:19 am
@M: Putting said purchase in context:
There had been some very distracting public SM going on, before and after, and being the S in the equation above I was Butchie McEndorphin, so when Mr Middleman came back with the article (it had been altered while I was “waiting/sexing/whatevering”) I really didn’t notice the issue at hand when Mr. Middleman put said article on me, I glanced and said “Lovely!” and then he removed it.
Then I hit more women’s asses really hard. I can’t help myself, you’re encouraged to and the women just stick their asses out for all kinds of implements!
In leather, lets use a belt as an example: there should be 2 openings above perfect fit and 2 openings below – minimum, for the y’know, metal stabber to go in. Well, apparently the way he relayed the fit to her was such that the perfect fit that day was the very last opening, so I couldn’t even wear the damn thing if I was on my period or had some salty chips.
TMI? Maybe. It’s already 2am and I want it to be 9pm. Fuck.
Does this clarify anything relevant or simply far too much that you probably would have guessed anyway? Oh helpful duh: it just happens to be that fucking leather wrist-glory I tried to give away most recently. A dear friend (cough cough) had gifted me a black one so perfect that I simply had to get a brown one for the days that Black was not appropriate. I am not going to proof this, hope it makes any sense at all.
January 11, 2009 at 4:17 pm
I have learned a lot and now I want one too. Just to wear around the house, under my apron. Thanks, M and KnifeMouth!
Also, M: Cake all the way. Punish me for it.
@KnifeMouth: Is it alright that I am amused you want a brown one for the times that black is not appropriate? Is this color coordination? I feel that black is always appropriate, a staunch standby.
January 12, 2009 at 6:28 pm
M? CAKECAKECAKE
AYL: Noooooooo.
January 12, 2009 at 7:07 pm
@bangieb: YA MISS ME?!