OK, so many of you may have heard that the conservative PTB have sent notorious tax-evading non-plumber and all-around chowderhead “Joe the Plumber” to Israel to be a war correspondent. Or, uh, if you hadn’t heard about it, you know now. Doesn’t it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that hundreds of communications grads, seasoned reporters, journos, and other professional, trained folk have been passed over for some redneck troglodyte with nary more than a shred of micro-fame to qualify him? Mmmmmmm, Amurrica.

 Anyway, “Joe’s” first dribblings as a “war correspondent” have hit the news today, and let me tell you: the man is positively an inspiration. Like, I’m inspired to hunt him down and have him forcibly sterilized to protect future generations of humanity from such skull-imploding stupidity. However, I take solace in the fact that this man’s dimness is so profound he probably has yet to figure out the mechanics of mating. This man is so unbelievably stupid I’m really, really surprised he’s been successfully potty trained (actually, we can’t be sure of that without an official statement from his mother, a polygraph may or may not be necessary). Surprising also, the fact that he has not yet managed to accidentally kill himself with everyday items, a dimwit phenomenon I like to call “cork-on-a-fork stupid.” Related:

 Without further ado, the transcript of JtP’s spiel, or as the world will surely call it: The seminal treatise on modern war reporting, a work of great philosophical and artistic importance, sure to rival Sun Tzu’s Art of War in its scope and magnitude:

“I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think journalists should be anywhere allowed war. I mean, you guys report where our troops are at. You report what’s happening day to day. You make a big deal out of it. I think it’s asinine. You know, I liked back in World War I and World War II when you’d go to the theater and you’d see your troops on, you know, the screen and everyone would be real excited and happy for’em. Now everyone’s got an opinion and wants to downer-and down soldiers. You know, American soldiers or Israeli soldiers.


I think media should be abolished from, uh, you know, reporting. You know, war is hell. And if you’re gonna sit there and say, “Well look at this atrocity,” well you don’t know the whole story behind it half the time, so I think the media should have no business in it.”



Don’t believe it? CAN’T believe it? Wish you could un-read what you just read? Need an airsickness bag? Want to see Joe kill the nation’s braincells with your own eyes? Go here.

 Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, dizziness, blurred vision, sudden and explosive diarrhea, depression, suicidal thoughts, hemorrhage of the eyeballs, white-hot blinding rage, a pronounced desire to boycott Bic products, and an overproduction of bile.

 Don’t say I didn’t warn you.