Today a dear friend was self-flagellating to me, and I thought she was crazy for thinking she was crazy. But then I realized I too have many faults that I don’t like about myself. Since it’s always a love-in here at BCP, I thought it might be high time we discuss things we don’t like about ourselves. Why the hell not? It can’t always be rainbows and unicorns here at BCP. Perhaps typing out all our various psychoses will provide a learning experience for us all.

My biggest flaws are after the jump, and believe me, they have caused me trouble in life:

1. I CANNOT STAND to be told what to do. If it’s not my idea, even if  it’s a good idea, I resent having to do it. Stemming from this is a loathing of anyone having any expectations of me. If you expect me to do something or to behave in a certain way, chances are I won’t. If you bug me to do something, I most certainly won’t do it. I have a visceral reaction to being nagged, cajoled, pressured or guilt-tripped into doing anything. As you can imagine, this often doesn’t work out so well in work situations or in inter-personal relationships.

2. I hate a certain type of woman and will be relentlessly mean about it. In short, I hate egomaniacs, people who post photos of themselves constantly and talk about how AWESOME and how AMAZING their lives are while showing off their tits and making sexy kissy faces. This totally explains my fascination with and loathing of a certain NYC blogger who must remain nameless since I don’t want to feed her narcissism. I blame my mother for my instinctive hatred for any woman who’s an obnoxious showboat. Strangely, in men, I can sometimes find this quality comical. Though still loathsome.

3. I am lazy as all hell. I spend hours thinking about how I can complete tasks with the absolute least amount of effort. The only reason I don’t lie in bed all day long is because it makes my ass flat and causes me to get fat and that makes me feel bad. But I will really go through hoops to think of ways to do what needs to be done with the smallest possible amount of effort. The sad thing is, the laziness streak runs in my family and I don’t suffer from it half as much as my siblings. Thank God.

4. When people piss me off, I withdraw instead of just coming out with it. I will not return phone calls, I will screen my calls, I will not reply to e-mails, I will ignore texts. When my marriage broke up, I hid away from the world for about a year. This is childish. I have been hiding from my mother for weeks, refusing to pick up the phone and talk to her when I see she’s calling rather than just saying to her: “You were a complete insane lunatic at Christmas and I am angry about it. Please don’t call me for awhile; I need some time to decompress from your madness.” I have also been hiding from one of my oldest friends because she is bi-polar (I think borderline, actually), totally high-maintenance and she nags me all the time, sometimes snarkily, to be in touch. See Flaw #1. I’ll be in touch when I FEEL like being in touch, thank you very much, and I’ll be in touch when you stop being crazy! Related: I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE.

5. Which also brings me to this shameful point. Sometimes people’s mental problems are tiresome to me, especially when they won’t go to therapy and do anything to get better, and I just want to tell them to snap the fuck out of it because I went to fucking therapy and I dealt with my lifelong issues  (for the most part). This isn’t very nice, especially if the person is truly suffering from some sort of diagnosed mental illness. But crazy people? I generally don’t have a lot of sympathy or time for them.

6. I get nervous if anyone loves me too much. Walls immediately go up if someone starts going on about how madly in love with me they are. Alarm bells ring, I want to flee.  This could stem from my husband walking out on me after years spent telling me I was the love of his life, but it existed before then, and there has really been only one person in my life that I have let in and whom I really believe loves me for the real me. Either way, this has been the hardest flaw to beat down. This one is going to take some time! Perhaps when I’m 80, it won’t freak me out when somebody loves me.

Tell us — what are your biggest flaws? Let’s get it all out, bitches! It’s a Buttercup Punch group therapy session!