And now: Huckleberry Edward Jocelyne Grylls
OK, celebrities, we get it. You are sooo quirky and interesting. You may follow the herd when it comes to fashions and “branding” yourself all over the place and like, drinking Starbucks and Vitamin Water and such, but deep down you really are 100% individual. And you prove it by saddling your progeny with cacophonic, painful, whackadoodle names….. Just like eeeeeverybody else. Bravo. Good job. Do you want a fucking cookie?
Todays Pretentious Twatwaffle Award goes to Bear Grylls. Yeah, leave it to a man called “Bear” to keep this bullshit name trend going. Yesterday, (Thursday ~Ed.) this ursine douche and his wife welcomed their third son into this cruel, unforgiving world and thought it would be great to call him “Huckleberry”. Better still, they threw what appears to be a girl’s name in as his second middle name. Also, second middle names are nothing new to the New New Hip Plebe Parent, BTW, as my backwater-ass swamp-dwelling relatives have been doing this with their spawn since the early 90s.
However, if you think “Huck” is bad, what do you think the family Grylls named their previous children? Jesse (which denotes a modicum of sanity on Bear’s part) and….. wait for it……….. waiiiiit forrrr itttttt…….. MARMADUKE. Seriously. You love your kid so much you named him after a cartoon dog from one of the worst comic strips in newspaper history.
OK, so I know that Bear is into the whole “survival” thing, and he’s probably pulling the “Boy Named Sue” on his sons, but you know, that didn’t work out so well in the song. Unless your ultimate parenting goal is to end up in a Mexican standoff with your own kid. How very X-treeeme of you. Anyway, I’m not saying peeps have to name your kid “John” or “Steve” or “Larry” or anything too terribly common or pedestrian. I’m just saying THINK OF THE CHILDREN! I mean, I know a lot of those celeb twats think of their kids as: publicity stunts, “brand” extensions, “mini-mes”, accessories a’la the teacup dog, and troubled marriage bailout funds, but something’s gotta give. Kids are people, too. You made a little person. Try to think of their feelings. Stop being such a dick.