Hello Internet People,
Today I would like to talk about a great imbalance in the world, an upset of such proportion that millions of women are denied their chance at true bliss; I am talking of course, about oral sex. Specifically, the way it seems that far more men are getting their meat flute played than women getting their valleys yodeled in. Why is this? Does it have to do with the stage of relationship a couple is in? As I recall, during the hot-n-heavy days of a relationship there is usually more than enough sexing of all the body parts happening, but when the sexing slows down and those comfortable, familiar (ahem, LAZY) patterns emerge it seems as though a dude can count on you for a beej to get things warmed up but won’t be making the trip down south with the same frequency.
And that old adage about women who get married and say, “Thank God I don’t have to blow him now!”, yeah…….how many men do you think walk around with the same sentiment? I personally don’t know any men who would publicly claim relief at not having to go down on their woman, and yet I know far too many women who complain of not getting the kittycat love despite all their pole smoking. Obviously, a lot of this has to do with whether you enjoy performing oral sex to begin with, but let’s assume we all do. And why not? It’s certainly pleasurable, it’s a fantastic way to warm up into a longer sex session, it’s perfect for quick starts, it’s good on it’s own and it’s a handy way to satisfy a partner when you don’t feel like fucking. So, Men, what’s your problem??
Accessories abound, dudes. No excuses.
Most of you are intelligent enough to know a little something about the female anatomy, and can recognize that just banging away is not going to do it for a lot of us. I know less women who can orgasm from straight intercourse than those who need some head to get the job done. Is it fear of the unknown? Because if you have questions, dude, you should just ask. I promise you there is nothing scary down there, nothing that’s going to harm you or steal your wallet. And hey! You can always come to BCP and ask a lesbian! If you’re concerned that you don’t know what she likes or that you don’t know what to do, just relax and go slowly. As long as you don’t bite or chew on her, you’re doing just fine. You know how to French kiss, right? Well, you’re basically French kissing her honeypot so there you go. You have more control with your tongue than you do with your cock anyway, so if you just take it easy and enjoy yourself you really can’t go wrong. And if you’re one of those guys who just flat out refuses to eat out, you need to get the fuck OVER yourself. You are not special enough to be exempt from all foreplay, jackass.
So, let’s survey the crowd. Who here IS getting enough head in their life? Because I need to know what you’re doing that I’m not, I’m about to start handing out rebate cheques over here, man. Everybody else, feel free to rant away.
ButtercupPunch - "La clique, c’est chic!" 
February 6, 2009 at 7:02 am
Well, I rarely have sex at ALL because I am single and all, but I have been blessed, because all of my long-term relationships, for the most part, involved men who really enjoyed it and it never waned. The long-distance paramour is particularly enamoured of it and I would like to think, perhaps foolishly, that his fondness for it wouldn’t dissipate if we were in a conventional situation.
But, you know, I’m single now, not by choice, so what does that tell you?
February 6, 2009 at 8:15 am
You know I actually like doing it and my S.O. feels the same way. Even when I’m not really in the mood he’s all on it. Then again, I’m a virgin (and am staying that way for a while) so maybe he’s just resolved to taking what he can get? Maybe things will change if/when we do the dew (but hopefully not!).
February 6, 2009 at 8:24 am
Like Trixie, I’m not getting much of anything at all lately. In most of my previous relationships, though, oral was a fairly regular thing. That said, I’m the queen of short-lived relationships (one lasted almost a year, everything else has an average of maybe 4 months), so the relationships don’t often get past the hot and heavy stage.
February 6, 2009 at 8:41 am
My boyfriend’s pretty good about the oral– both regarding frequency and skill. (He dated not one but two lesbians who were taking a walk on the hetero side back in college, and I’m thinking they gave him a few pointers.)
Granted, we’ve hit a pretty long dry spell regarding ALL sex lately (a combination of anti-depressants, stress, work, lack of sleep, and a million other lame excuses from both of us) but when we do get down to it, we’re fairly equitable with the oral.
Dammit, now you’ve got me thinking about how good he is, and I really need some tips on how to get over this damn dry spell!
February 6, 2009 at 8:54 am
your metaphors are fucking on fire, K. honeypot? i love you!
as for getting enough head…i’m a proud bcp lesbian and my girlfriend is fucking amazing.
everyone should be a lesbian. yes you can!
February 6, 2009 at 9:33 am
Hmmmm…I like this post!!!
February 6, 2009 at 10:02 am
@CelesteD: Dew it to it, Mountain Dew?
AYL: Thanks, Boo. I will do it everyday, you know, cause I like it.
February 6, 2009 at 10:36 am
I think they should rename that product the Head Light.
February 6, 2009 at 10:53 am
Great stuff!
February 6, 2009 at 11:03 am
@coopergirl: I smell a career in erotic marketing!
I do not get enough head. I get some digital foreplay action, which usually works for me, but a little head here and there would be nice too.
February 6, 2009 at 11:56 am
As I’ve said numerous times before, being a lesbian I truly enjoy both giving and getting head the way God intended, as well as utilizing the generous array of faux-peen at our disposal.
Give head or go home!
February 6, 2009 at 12:02 pm
You know, I really only date men who are reallllly into that (it’s sort of a personal requirement). If I’m-a -datin’, I’m a gettin’. So I’m going to go ahead and thank Goddess for my good fortune, and wish the best to my sisthren!
February 6, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I am in a heavenly place of oral sex bliss currently, and don’t want to brag too much in case the gods decide to smite me with a yeast infection or something.
I do feel bad sometimes that I don’t go down on him nearly as often as he does me. He gets off every time we fuck, though, whereas oral is my main source of orgasms. I try to make it worth the wait when I do blow him. I hope that’s fair.
February 6, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Also Kadinsk, I’ll do a sacred invocation of pussy eating dance on your behalf when I get drunk tonight (like a rain dance, but with way better payoff). Hopefully that’ll help.
February 6, 2009 at 12:57 pm
@J.Gold: oh, please do. Or else the UPS delivery guy is going to get invited in for a glass of….me.
@All You Damn Lesbians: rub it in, why don’tcha! I see how you bitches are, eeeeeeeveeeel.
February 6, 2009 at 12:49 pm
@bangieB
The horizontal Dew. I like my figurative sex to be branded.
February 6, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Trixie, I’m in the same single, sexless boat. It blows. Or, actually, no it doesn’t. :-(
I vaguely remember what it was like when I had sex regularly, and I believe most of my ex-boyfriends loved to receive but either weren’t really the giving types, or just plain sucked at it. (Yet another reason the ex-boyfriend title was bestowed upon them.) In fact, I’ve only had 2 really good oral sex experiences in my many years of pantsless escapades, so I have come to believe that guys are either really lazy or just intimidated by the perceived intricacies of female anatomy. To which I say, “Oh waaaah! Suck it up and get to it.”
February 6, 2009 at 1:19 pm
@Amazon: I’d ask if you’d like to become a lesbian with me, but it would be a long distance relationship, so we STILL wouldn’t be getting laid. Hmph.
February 6, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I had a hunch the boy might be a keeper when he dove right in(to me) when I first took him home. I probably tend to get a bit more than I give, just because 1) I ask for it, 2) I’ve had some gag reflex problems lately, 3) if I get head, the night isn’t over. That said, I’m generally not satisfied with just head, and when I do get it, I’ll want other things too.
February 6, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Apart from the fact that I don’t have sex (not by choice, per se), I never met a guy who could make me stop thinking about all the “omg there’s a dude between my legs, I wonder if I smell, do I smell, OMG!?” stuff. Yes, I’m 16. And sad.
I’ll just trust my day will come.
February 6, 2009 at 3:09 pm
@haguenite: aww, babes. no dude will help you kill those thoughts unfortunately, you just need to push that out of your head and e-n-j-o-y the experience. or you know what? next time, stop him midway through and pull him up to make out with you. then you’ll see that everything is as it should be.
February 6, 2009 at 3:12 pm
So, this is my first comment, even though I love your blog. And its probably not good that my first comment will be mucho braggy, but I would say the proportion of oral gotten to oral given in my relationship is probably 10/1. The bf is a giver, what can I say. Haguenite, I think that generally when you can tell a guy is REALLY into it, you’ll be able to stop worrying about dirty procedural business. I do feel bad though, because I’m just not as into giving as he is, and though I know he doesn’t care, I feel selfish. Hmph.
February 6, 2009 at 3:43 pm
@bangieb: same goes for you and your heels. compliments of my back.
February 6, 2009 at 3:44 pm
^ i said that. whoops.
February 6, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I would just like to say I am stealing “yodel in your valley,” because I love that so much. And now I have all sorts of mental images in my head. Bwahaha.
In high school, a friend and I would say “pat the pickle” to mean sex, although not necessarily oral. Yodeling is way better.
February 6, 2009 at 4:53 pm
@haguenite: I’ve had those thoughts, and in my experience one sure-fire way to banish them is to find a man who’s an expert yodeler.
Speaking of which, I should really get out more.
February 6, 2009 at 6:49 pm
I am one of the lucky ones. 3 years with my BF and he still gives more than he gets… he LOVES it. *sigh* One of the many reasons why I love him so.
February 6, 2009 at 7:23 pm
@haguenite: to put things in perspective, i bet you don’t think you smell worse than a peen!!
as an aside, “Give head or go home!” would make an excellent bumper sticker
February 6, 2009 at 7:37 pm
@M: That would be an excellent bumper sticker. One could market those and put the profits toward, say, building a compound of some sort.
February 6, 2009 at 10:53 pm
@haguenite: I used to have the same thoughts until I did what Kadinsky suggested — kiss/make out after he’s gone down on you. I realized that I don’t taste weird at all. Definitely not worse than a peen (good comparison, M!).
Back to the survey, I’ve experienced both extremes — guys that loved giving head and guys that never went there (the latter group never lasted long). My current beau is eager/ giving, but very inexperienced. Unfortunately, I never took notes on the guys that gave great head… so I’m terrible at training him. We’ll figure it out, I’m sure.
February 6, 2009 at 11:31 pm
I tend to feel guilty, because I think I unfairly took one of the “good ones” off the market. My husband *loves* to give head, but I’m just not that into it. I’ve always preferred digital stimulation, intercourse, and other play (we like bdsm). Receiving oral just isn’t that high on my list. I do love giving it, though, and am pretty darn good at it!
February 7, 2009 at 12:26 am
Bitches
February 7, 2009 at 12:28 am
all ye worrying ladies, trust me on this:
giving oral on women is HEAVEN. you taste *good.* seriously. lay back and enjoy the ride.
ps. i am getting and giving, which makes me a happy girl.
February 7, 2009 at 4:10 pm
@inchworm: ^^ yes, everyone listen to her. women taste good!! and that’s hardly what you think about when you’re down there anyway. seriously!
February 7, 2009 at 7:05 pm
First of all, K, I want to do a crossstitch sampler of that awesome poster and place it above my bed.
My two current not-boyfriends are both good in the oral department, although one is more enthusiastic and vocal about it. The other enjoys getting head, but I usually have to remind him–often by straddling his face, which sends a pretty unequivocal message. But yeah, I’m with you, I know a lot of women who give but don’t get, and if that became a regular pattern in a long-term relationship, well, that would be a Problem and it would be Discussed.
February 7, 2009 at 9:19 pm
If I told you how long it’s been, you’d drop your laptop. However, when I was gettin some on the regular, my lovers usually went down with no questions asked. I can’t recall any man refusing to give me some.
And I don’t mind giving a guy some too. I rather enjoy it. I’ve never understood women who complain about it. I mean, you have the guy literally in your hands… you are in complete control and there is almost nothing he won’t do to get you to finish.
Power. I likes it.
February 7, 2009 at 9:20 pm
PS. Men taste good too! ;-)
February 8, 2009 at 12:38 pm
Because I am a boner-killer, safety reminders are in order:
(from http://www.stanford.edu/group/SHPRC/ch4_ora.html)
Reducing Risks:
To reduce the risk of infection during unprotected oral sex, limit exposure to sexual fluids and ensure that no cuts or lesions are present in mouth or on genitals.
Use barrier methods — though many people feel that barrier methods detract from oral sex, they are very effective at preventing STD transmission:
Oral-penile sex: Male condom, no spermicide (kills taste buds), flavored condoms are available.
Oral-vaginal sex: Dental dams (aka Lollys) — can buy them, or you can use non-microwaveable saran wrap, or cut up a latex glove.
Oral-anal sex: Dental dams, non-microwaveable saran wrap, cut up latex glove
Spit or swallow? Limiting exposure to semen reduces risk of infection, so ejaculation away from partner’s body is the safest. That said, the mouth is the place most likely to contract something like HIV, so the conventional wisdom is, “swallow or spit, just don’t let it sit.”
More details here:
http://std.about.com/od/riskfactorsforstds/a/oralsexsafesex.htm
February 8, 2009 at 9:14 pm
My ex used to go down on me way more than the reverse, which was really sweet of him, though by the end of our relationship we’d both gotten tired of trying, since we were both virgins who sucked at oral.
Fun story, though: I recently got in a drunken argument with a couple guys about how women don’t get as much as they give in the oral department. This had the delightful effect of motivating one of the guys to convince me that this was not true in a hands-on sort of way. I’ve decided to discuss this topic with attractive men more often.
February 9, 2009 at 12:52 pm
My two favorite giving head experiences are the Englishwoman who told me “Don’t drown” as she flooded my mouth and soaked my sheets, and the nice Irish Catholic whose eyes lit up with joy when I invited her to sit on my face “I’ve always wanted to do this!”
So yes, I’ve got an out of work tongue looking for an employer in these recessionary times.
February 9, 2009 at 1:04 pm
@macloserboy: why, you cheeky devil, you. i like it.