This landed in my inbox at work last week with little explanation needed:
Besides answers to the obvious questions, I mean, the first of which is: Is this just a photoshop joke or does this really exist? If it really does exist, then why? And who would purchase such a thing? Then I remembered that frat boys also exist, and bachelor parties, and that, actually, if one of my female friends sported this (in the privacy of our own homes) I might actually laugh, and then I was disturbed by that awareness.
While trying to Google this to see if I could find a site actually selling the shirt (“penis shirt poke out pants” yielded some undesirable results, including a Barbie sex story), I stumbled upon this extremely handy wikiHow page for how to hide an erection. A curious mixture of tongue-in-cheek observations and earnest suggestion, here are some of my favorite “tips”:
Khaki pants are said to be good for hiding the erection, as well.
So, this is the reason for the unflattering, baggy khaki pants every guy age 15 and up seems to have three pair of. Interesting, wikiHow. Tell me more.
Concentrate on something like a dead cat and try to feel it, taste it, smell it. But never think about how your erection is doing.
Gross, but sounds like good advice. I think the unsaid follow up to this is, if the dead cat trick doesn’t kill your boner, seek help, Patrick Bateman.
Never make eye contact with the person of your preferred gender that you find attractive.
I like that this is all-inclusive, but am puzzled by the rule itself. If you screw up and make the dreaded eye contact, does that create a pants-jizz situation or what? Should you just affect a steely, gazing-into-the-middle distance stare until the erection subsides? Now when a straight man is failing to make eye contact with me I’m going to wonder if he has a boner on. Suspicious.
Underwear that fit will conceal your erection a lot better, find out your underwear size.
I think that’s a recommendation we can all take to heart, however poorly expressed. Your underpants should be described neither as “restrictive” nor “roomy.” Sort it out.
Do not walk with an odd gait if you are with people. That will make it more noticable.
This is probably true, but I enjoy imagining men the world over busting out Ministry of Silly Walks style every time they pop a tent. I think the world would be a better place. I would also advocate more synchronized musical numbers.
Make sure no one is looking when you’re adjusting your pants to try to hide your erection.
As obvious as this may seem, I believe that some boys might need a reminder. Such as the guy I work with who will stand there talking to you while either adjusting himself or yanking out his wedgie, completely oblivious to the look of disgust you’re shooting him (he will then pick up your pen, forcing you to abandon it to avoid cooties). I believe he also needs to revisit the “find out your underwear size” rule, because something is clearly going drastically, dreadfully wrong down there.
Sweetly, the related pages suggested by wikiWoody included:
- Impress Your Date
- Have Good manners
- Be a Sophisticated and Cultured Male
Aawww. This boner article, it charms me. Thanks, wikiHow!