Question: What’s the fastest way to find yourself eyeballs-deep in advice you didn’t ask for?
Answer A: Write a blog post about being hungover and post it on the internet.
Answer B: Have a child, then post about that fact on the internet.
Answer C: Have a child, then leave the house with it.
Answer D: Let your family help you move into a new home. Sit back and watch the furniture fly.
Answer E: Talk to your mom. About anything. Ever.
Compelling, innit? But, for the purposes of this blog post, we’ll just go with Answer A.
Ever notice how everyone who has ever had an adult libation in their entire lives has a tried-and-true recipe for eliminating morning-after misery? My dad always said that a Whopper with everything has the perfect balance of fat, calories, carbs, veggies, sodium and magic to cure all your whiskey-related ills, while others swear by different combinations of egg sandwiches, electrolyte tonics, OTC pain relievers and wacky shit like Kombucha teas. Point being, everyone in the world (exception maybe for those special peoples populating the Dean’s List at BYU) has known the Hangover and thinks they have the tools to beat it. So, my next logical question is: since more than 1/2 of the population is female and experiences regular suffering on that account, then why are more people not swapping period relief recipes? I think we’re all aware that Midol is decidedly not the jam, so what then? After the jump, I’ll explore the possibility of Chasers for menses.
OK, so most good hangover recipes include at least one ingredient from at least 3 of the following categories:
Stimulant: Coffee, Tea, Soda, Red Bull, Tobacco
Nourishment- Antioxidant: Smoothie, Banana, Salad, Vitamin pill, OJ, Cran-J, Soy product
Nourishment- Fat and Calories: Egg Sammy, Burger, Bacon, Breakfast Grand Slam, Moons over my Hammy
Nourishment- Carbohydrate for the purpose of “absorbing excess alcohol”: Bread, Pancake, Waffle, Pastry, Hashbrowns (may be scattered, smothered, covered, et all)
Hydration: Orange Juice, Sports Drink, Plain Water
Pain Killer: Percocet, Lortab, Aspirin, Acetaminophen, Ibuprofen
My mix usually looks like this: OJ, coffee, loaded egg sammy, 3 ibuprofen, a salad later on in the afternoon once the nausea dies down, and a vitamin. My method may not be foolproof, but it did rescue me the morning of my wedding.
Anyway, what then is the perfect recipe for assuaging menstrual misery? I only ask because my monthly “gift” lately is bite-on-a-leather-strap, scream-into-a-pillow painful. And emotionally, I’m kind of like Annette Bening’s character in American Beauty. One minute I’m zealously cleaning a vacant house in my slip while listening to self-help tapes or like, Katrina and the Waves or whatever, and the next I’m sitting alone on the side of the freeway, wailing hysterically and clutching a loaded revolver. So what’s a gal to do? Get on birth control (please god no)? Find myself a “bad doctor” who’ll write me a script for Vicodin? Buy a shipping crate’s worth of Therma Care patches (I’ve heard they work, and despite having worked on a commercial for said product applied for said use, I have not yet tried them)? Take up heroin and lose enough weight to where I no longer menstruate? Eat my weight in Cadbury bars like a complete cliché’? Meditate the pain away? What?
So far what I’ve been doing has been effective, yet time consuming to the point of being cumbersome and impractical. I put on slouchy loungewear, take 3 to 4 ibuprofen, wrap myself in a blanket regardless of actual ambient temperature, make a cup of decaf spice tea, collapse onto the sofa and watch really, really, really terrible movies*. Yes, for one week out of the month my life is like a latter day Diane Keaton movie (three guesses as to how I know that…). My relief method is completely lacking in any kind of proven theraputicalness (Not a word. Don’t care), and is instead rooted in the fact that I’m working with a mild and untreated case of ADD. Basically, I distract the pain away. Not exactly an elegant solution for when Aunt Flo decides to visit me at work. Though I’d love to see the look on my supervisor’s face should he ever come upon me curled up in my chair, draped in 4 other people’s lab coats watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days on YouTube. There has to be a better way.
So how about you guys? What are your special secret recipes for surviving that time of the month?
*Oh, and I suppose that now is a good time to introduce my newest column: you know those bad movies I like to watch while my crotch is bleeding? I’m going to start reviewing them here for your blog-perusing pleasure, powered by my PMS rage. I have no idea what to call said column, so kindly throw out some suggestions for me, I’d really appreciate it!