Lovely BCP Reader, London_Calling has a question:

Y’all, I need advice, and I’d love to hear what all you smart ladies (and gents) have to say.

In November, I’m going to be a bridesmaid in my friends’ wedding.  I met the groom-to-be in grad school, and then also became friends with his then-girlfriend a few years later, and am actually very excited to be in their wedding (wouldn’t it just be too easy if this was a bridesmaid bitching question).

The problem is thus: one of the wedding guests, we’ll call her Horseface.  Horseface was also in grad school with the groom and I, and were friends, and even roommates after graduation.  Unfortunately, the roommate situation deteriorated, badly, very badly.  We’re talking being locked out, trespassing in my room, threats.  Ugly is the only word for it.  What complicates this even further is that she ended up marrying my best friend from college, who also stopped speaking to me after she went crazy on me.

Aaaaand, of course, they’re both planning on being at this wedding, a smallish wedding, with events spread over three days.  So, the question is, how do I deal with her?  Ignore them the entire time?  Try to be polite, even if it takes everything I’ve got?  I hate that she even still bothers me, but I want to try to prepare for how to deal with her beforehand, as the last thing I want is to make either the bride or groom feel uncomfortable about the whole situation (one saving grace is that the bride also hates Horseface almost as much as I do, and would probably cheer me on if I punched her).  I’ll take all suggestions, and probably really enjoy the ones involving violence.


Buttercups activate, after the jump:



Ugh, what a shame that you can’t have a relationship with your college best friend because of the unfortunate situation with Horseface.  What a shame, also, that the bride’s going to have to put up with her presence as well.

As your instincts suggest, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and be as blandly pleasant as possible.  Keep your distance from Horseface as much as you can, and when the urge to throttle her becomes overwhelming, remind yourself that you’re there for your dear friends and don’t want to go down in local cable history as that insane-o bridesmaid who got arrested for attacking another attendee with a dessert fork.

But let’s be realistic.  This is a wedding, and a sadistic, three-day event at that.  Unless you normally abstain from drink, you’re probably going to be tipsy to sloshed at some point in these three days, and this is when you’ll be in trouble.  I would suggest you start practicing for a confrontation now – seriously, make a list of everything you would need to say both to Horseface AND to the ex-bestie, and try it out in a calm, logical manner – so that if you do find yourself in a discussion with them, you can make your points thoughtfully instead of succumbing to the heat of the moment.  As you know, drink can lead to brawling and angry words, but it can also lend itself to reconciliation.  A best-case scenario would even be that all these issues with Horseface DO come up and, even if you’ll never be much more than civil with her, maybe you can repair some of the damage to your friendship with her husband.

So, who knows, maybe it will work out great!  But to be on the safe side, if you’re going to hit the punchbowl, try to keep your distance from the Horseface.



When I was coming of age, the biggest kiss-off in the book was to casually tell someone to “go about your business.” Except it was more like, “Goabout’cha BIIIZZZZnisssss” and turn & walk away (there had to be some attitude applied). But, what was true for us as newly-minted teen bitches is still true into adulthood: the best way to assert yourself is to rise above the fray and handle your business, as doing so reminds dissenters that not minding their own makes them less-than.

Basically, instead of trying to make amends or kill your adversary with kindness or whatever, ignore her and tamp out her crazy with your enduring normalcy and affability to the wedding party and all of the other guests. Even if you’re still angry at the girl and want to get your jabs in, keep in mind that being the bigger person who grew the hell up and is so beyond all of that immature feud garbage is getting your jabs in. If she’s unpleasant to you in any way, she will lose. So long as you leave it up to other people to point out what a bitch she’s being- you’re not allowed to criticize a hair on her head or even invoke her name- them’s the rules! “Living better is the best revenge” and blah blah, it’s true. However, if she’s mellowed with age and free champagne and wants to bury the hatchet, help her dig the hole even if it’s not what you want. Pretend-reconciliation keeps the peace just like the real thing, so it’s kind of the thing to do. Or you could really-for-real-real reconcile. If it’s what you want. But you probably won’t ever trust her again. And that’s OK.

However, what to do if she hits the White Zinfandel (I’m assuming she’s a trashy bitch who drinks pink “wine”, Ihopeyoudon’tmind) and wants to throw down with you before the watchful eyes of the shrimp-laden ice swans (uh, and probably the actual people present as well)? You do not have permission to fire back. You will adopt a disappointed, pitying, slightly sad expression on your face (practice in the mirror beforehand if you must, nailing this look is worth it), mutter something about, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and walk away. BOOOOOSH! Your opponent is reduced to a pile of quivering rubble. Maturity: Kills. Crazy asses. Dead. And she would deserve it, too, because anyone who cannot be humbled in the presence of true love and a prime rib carving station is a fucking monster, end of story.

Best of luck!

xoxo, Panda



I fucking hate it when a guy you used to be really good friends with, is no longer your friend because of his bitch ass girlfriend/wife/significant other.  It’s so fucking lame and such a letdown to realize that all the good times, the talks, the jokes you shared are just no longer meaningful except as a memory.  And for what?  FOR A BITCH, that’s what.  And yes, I am specifically applying the ‘bitch’ label to the girlfriend/wife/significant other because I am going to assume that you didn’t get caught naked and lubed in his bed (or any other scandalous behavior) and it’s because of her insecurities that you are out a friend.  ANYWAY – onto your question.  You want to know how to deal with Horseface and her man/your ex BFF.  I understand you’re still raw in some way about what went down between you and her and consequently you and the ex bestie in the past, I do.  But, you need to Get Over It.  (I always get a bit miffed when I hear those 3 words from someone in response to my own how-to-deal question but I’m not being flippant, I swear).

Whatever happened has happened and it does you no good to hang on to old shit like that.  There are no benefits to it, save maybe the benefit of not having dickheads like that in your life anymore.  So, let it go.  She was/is a crap roommate and he was/is not a good enough friend to you.  It helps me to break it down to the basics like that, because I find the less words I use to describe someone and what they are to me, the less of a ripple they can create in my pond, you pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?

Once you’ve moved these two assholes to the Miscellaneous category of your mind, you’ll have no problem enjoying the wedding as you want to.  Which means greatly reducing the chances of some kind of drama happening, and, even if the bride hates Horseface as you say, she likes her enough to have invited her to the wedding.  Also, it is her wedding day and no bride wants random, unnecessary drama on her wedding day, trust.  If Horseface happens to start shit with you, cock an eyebrow at her and just shake your head from side to side while making a ‘tsk-tsk-tsk’ sound.  The slower and more exaggerated you can do this, the better.  This way, everyone will see what a dumbass she is and how above it all you are.  The best part?  You don’t even say anything so you don’t have to worry about your insults getting all fuckered up by your drunky tongue.  (I don’t know about you, but I hate having a good insult for someone come out wrong when I’m in the bag.  THERE IS NO DO OVER, BOOOO.)

But I won’t leave you without at least a little anger therapy in your clutch, just save it for your ex BFF at a time other than ‘wedding’, ‘rehearsal dinner’ or ‘reception’.  Because I’m guessing you are more interested in hearing from him about why he stopped being your friend than you are about getting a fake ass apology from his horsefaced wife, right?  Unfortunately I can’t guarantee he will cough it up (if he’s any kind of man at all he should be ashamed for flushing a good friendship because of someone else, meaning he REALLY won’t want to talk about it), but if you do happen to have words with him, you could always dead-arm him or accidentally set the back of his hair on fire.  Should it turn out that all parties are keeping a safe distance between them, well, wipe some boogers on his jacket when you pass by.  Have fun!



Ugh. What an awkward situation. I think the only thing you can do is just be polite, cheerful, but not chatty AT ALL. Take the high road. Just say: “Hi Connie and Phil, nice to see you guys again” with a bright smile on your face, but do not engage any further than that. Act like you are not bothered and don’t care that they are there. If either says anything snarky to you, you smile brightly again and say: “I don’t think someone’s wedding is the place to revisit any unpleasantness, thanks” and walk away. If either tries to apologize to you, hear them out, but say the exact same thing: “Thanks for your apology, but I don’t think someone’s wedding is the place to revist any unpleasantness, thanks!” and walk away again. Cheerful, mature, bright, happy, smiling, uncaring of any tension, etc. It’s the classy way to go.