It’s been 3 years since the mister and I have been on vacation, 3 loooooooong years.  We’ve taken the odd mini break for a couple of days and have each taken individual weekends to go and hang with our respective friends, but we haven’t gone on a proper vacation together in too long.  So!  On Sunday we are leaving for an all inclusive week at the beach where we plan to laze about, sex a lot and have things fetched for us.  HEAVEN.

However, I can’t help but notice that I am anything but calm and relaxed in the days leading up to my calm and relaxing vacation.  Why?  Join me after the jump for my ridiculous “prep list”

Shedding of Protective Winter Peltnair

This year I opted to try an old classic, Nair.  The only other time I tried Nair was in jr. high and I know I didn’t leave it on very long and probably due to the toe curling stench of it.  I’ve noticed that the Nair people have redone the packaging of their product since then and offer several different formulas.  I’m rather pleased to say that while it doesn’t smell much better than it did the last time I tried it, the results were great!  I schlacked it on, waited about 10 mins before wiping/rinsing it off and my legs have never been so silky smooth.  I found myself molesting caressing my thighs for a solid week before the slightest bit of regrowth poked through.

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Removing of Winter Weatherproofing aka Exfoliating

Keeping my hands in smooth, soft condition has always been a challenge for me.  In the past when I bartended or worked as a groomer, they were constantly rough and dry from all the booze, mixers and chemicals.  When I floated drywall during the summer they were cut up from all the materials I handled.  When I worked as a “massage therapist” my cuticles and fingertips were constantly chewed and ragged and reeked of tobacco.  Now that I bang keys and handle paper all day, I seem to wash my hands constantly and my cuticles are always dry and my clear polish always peeling.  I have tried every cuticle cream, oil, lotion and potion I can find, sometimes even using olive oil in a pinch.  The oil might be (temporarily) good for my cuticles, but it makes my nail beds so greasy that nothing will stick.  Having pretty hands and nice neat fingernails is a big thing to me, and I’m such a freak that if I were to go on vacation with a broken nail I would probably pout the whole way and look for a manicurist the minute I stepped off the plane.  Better to take care of such matters before hand – this hand lotion has been doing an excellent job of keeping everything soft and supple and this scrub I found on etsy is all natural, smells great and works like a charm to smooth out my paws.  Plus, the tin is really cute.

vaseline_pink

nettiescrub

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pedicureClaw and Hoof Trim

Soooo, even though I’ve found stuff to keep my nose pickers and bird flippers looking pretty, ah, I still can’t manage to do my own nails.  Forget about the toes.  I’m a regular mani/pedi hooker anyway, so of course I have an appointment tomorrow.  I did say I was a freak like that.

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Swimsuit

Oh God, I might need a minute.  (Inhale……Exhaaaaaaale…………Ommmmm……WhoooSahhhhh) Alright.  I’mma give y’all the short, short, short version of this violent and traumatic experience.  My main method of shopping is to order a shitload of stuff, have it sent to my house where I can try it on, keep what fits and send back the rest.  Never in my life have I been able to find a swimsuit in a store that fits me anyway, but usually I can find something that fits reasonably well online.  Uh-uh.  From one company alone I ordered almost $1000 worth of stuff, mostly tops in all different cuts and styles.  AND NOT ONE OF THEM FUCKING FITS.  Bastards.  I have no choice but to wear my ill fitting top from years past or else just let the girls be free.  No tan lines!

swim1swim2

swim3

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Teef

Beach vacay = bright sunshine, vibrant blue waters, pristine white beaches and, dingy coffee stained choppers?  Er, no.  Thankfully, there are loads of teeth whitening products to be found at any drugstore.  And I’ve tried them all in the hopes of finding one that doesn’t taste like you’re drinking perm solution.  Alas, they all taste like shit.  The best I can do is not swallow for the 20mins I have the strips in – blech.

crest_whitestrips


shiny-hairHair

Similar to my hand/nail prissyness, is my hair prissyness.  This is a bit trickier since I travel every week and can only see my stylist on the weekends when I’m at home.  And because she is damn good she is often damn busy.  I had my hair trimmed and my roots done 3 weeks ago but I will see her tomorrow for a quick gloss treatment as well.  Again, see ‘freak’ statement.

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Pothole Repair

Okay, now this part wasn’t all THAT bad.  On my Nair shopping day I decided what the hell, and tossed some of this Nivea stuff in the basket as well.  I was completely ready to be let down by it and to have Panda chastise me for not just going with her coffee ground method (it’s messy and I’m lazy) when SURPRISE!  THE SHIT WORKED.  I used the gel in the morning and sometimes at night and used the patches (6 in a box) roughly 4 days apart.  Now, there is no way my cottage cheese has vanished, but it has definitely improved.  Maybe for once  the bottoms to my bikini will see the light of day instead of hiding under board shorts.

nivea_gelnivea_patches

Husband Prep

Please – all he needed was a new pair of flip flops and a hair cut, and I had to bribe him into the hair cut.  Moving on…

Entertainment

For as long as I have been dreaming of this vacation I have been dreaming of what I will do while on this vacation.  And that is – absolutely nothing.  I have a stack of books which have been waiting patiently to be read and so I plan on devouring every word poolside while various charming cabana boys attend to me.  But, when the sun goes down I’ll be completely relaxed, warm and tipsy – what then?

we-vibe

We-Vibe

Sex, of course!  Which means this little gadget which I picked up at Panda’s Babeland party last year will definitely be making the trip.  And I suppose I should be nice and bring something for Mr.k as well, after all, I’m not fond of, ahem, ‘tennis elbow’.

sleeve

standard jelly sleeve, knobbies are optional

NSFW viddy of Evan explaining how the sleeve works.  ‘Cuz I know y’all are gonna ask.

Later, taters.

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