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I have a confession to make. I have had about 10 boyfriends over the course of my life. Merely the thought of more than half of them seriously makes me want to puke my guts out into the nearest toilet.

I am actually still filled with loathing and disgust for the last guy I dated, a gloomy control freak/ total depressive headcase from last summer. He started to cry about his job on one of our first dates. He wrecked my trip to Spain with his bullshit. He went nuts when I went away for a week to the Maritimes and failed to call him several times a day. He had a total drunken tantrum that I chose to spend my last day in Toronto with my daughter, who was moving away to university the following day as well, instead of him. In short, he was a completely loathsome douchebag and even though I dumped his ass decisively, the thought of him — and the notion that I actually slept and spent time with the fucking creep — fills me with rage, disgust and self-loathing. Read about all the other exes I despise after the jump.

 

High-school boyfriend, three years of dating. Total arrogant dumbass with a pear-shaped body and the brains of a mole.

Burly tennis pro. Used to show up at my house, expect sex, smoke dope, eat all the food in my fridge and then pass out snoring. His legs were the size of redwoods and even though he had a dong to match (highly over-rated, what is the point of something that big if you can barely accommodate it?), I kicked him out after one repulsive drooling snorefest and loathed him for a good year.

Stupid hockey goalie: I am deeply ashamed of this one even though he was a cute Greek. He was a sexist and racist and wouldn’t go down on me because it was “gross.” I dumped him quickly but hated myself for months for even allowing him any access to my body at all.

Ex-husband: I shudder. He had a giant head but beady eyes, a thick neck and his legs were way too short for his body. He was also an arrogant tool who imagined himself a hipster intellectual but truly was not.  I occasionally read his work Twitter and cringe — he’s always Tweeting something offensive or totally inaccurate, and gets called on it by his increasingly pissed-off followers. His musical taste sucks. He had issues sexually — let’s just say he never progressed in certain crucial areas beyond the age of 15. You know what I’m saying? I am better off without him but he sickens me to this day.

There are several others so loathsome that I am too ashamed to mention. One gave me a bad social disease. Another was a cheap Scottish prick who would have ripped off his own grandmother. Another, while beautiful, asked me to wear heels and bark in bed. Uhhhh … no.

The only exes I love:

University boyfriend: Smart, funny, hot and hilarious. A lousy lay but he was/is so funny that I didn’t care. He introduced me to Hunter S. Thompson,   Big Audio Dynamite and Etta James, and made me weep with laughter wherever we went. Big bonus points right there.

Boyfriend between spouses: He is hated by many, considered insane by some, and was unbelievably vicious to me in the end, but he also made me laugh harder than almost anyone in my life, had great taste in music, was great in the sack and I believe I saw a very gentle and kind-hearted side to him that he doesn’t let many others see. He looked like Willem Dafoe and I’ll always have a soft spot.

Off-and-on 15-year paramour: No finer, or hotter, man walks the face of the Earth in my mind. He is the smartest person I know, has a heart of gold, a sense of humor to rival none other, and I would take a bullet for him any day of the week.  He is a dynamo in every way. This is a boyfriend I got totally right. Too bad I’ll be 85 before we could ever have a life together.

But I am most curious by this tendency to really despise some of my exes. I mean seriously, seriously loathe, for years to follow. It can’t be healthy. It must say something more about how disappointed I was/am in my own judgment.

I am curious, however — are any of you deeply ashamed by any of your exes? If so, why? Spill all the gory details!

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