Today I got an e-mail from a friend, let’s call him Tim. He had forwarded me a Facebook  notification he got from a professional associate, let’s call her Kelly. She was inviting him to join a new group she’d started, “Barney Lovers.” It was a fan club for her dog. She is 46 years old. It was a working day in Canada today and she has a big, big job during a very trying time in our industry. Tim’s e-mail to me said only this:  “Holy shit.”

This woman has been demoted from friend to friendly acquaintance by me because I couldn’t handle the rampant narcissism. My move to the U.S. allowed me to gently cut her out of my life without it being too obvious. I also had to cut her out of my Facebook newsfeed because I heard about her relentlessly, more than I ever want to hear about anyone, and always with endless quiz results.

My curiosity piqued by the invitation to the doggie fan club, I went to check out her wall. And I saw that in the past couple of days, she’s kept up her blistering pace of doing whatever useless quiz comes her way.

Just today,  there was:

Kelly Took The What Should Your Name Be Quiz? She’s Virginia!

Kelly Took The What Kind of Animal Are You Quiz? She’s a lion!

Kelly Took The What Land Would You Be in Disneyland Quiz? She’s Fantasyland!

Kelly Took The What Would Your Old Lady Name Be? She’s Ethel!

There are many others that escape me because HOLY. SHIT. LADY.

If this is not just a sure sign of crazy on its own, the vast majority of the people on her friends list are professional contacts. Her company and position are front and center on her profile. I am trying to imagine on what planet she thinks that hundreds of professional associates are interested in hearing that if she was a Gilligan’s Island character, she’d be Ginger. I know she’s not technically savvy enough to have figured out dividing her friends into lists; she is a profound Luddite and quite proudly so.

I always suspected she was crazy, but Facebook has helped me understand today that she is far crazier than I knew. I noticed she did the “How Mature Are You?” quiz the other day and scored 99 per cent. So don’t take that quiz, Facebook people. It lies!!!