acougarinwinter

I think that Barbie Cougar video touched a nerve, because I am reminded that I am turning 45 in a month. ROWR!! Yes, it’s true — forty-fucking-five. A cougar in winter!

I thought that my impending birthday — one that will officially mean I am closer to 60 than 30, by the way — would mark an appropriate occasion to let you young bitches know a few things they may not tell you about aging. Sure, you know the general ones: face falls, tits and ass sag, liver spots appear, vagina dries out, hair goes gray, etc. I’m here to tell you some other stuff on top of all that stuff. You may be terrified to read it now, but store it away … one day you’ll thank me.

1. Tits sagging can be over-stated. It hasn’t really happened to me yet and my ass is holding on pretty good too. However, a layer of stomach fat appears and IT sags! Pretty! You know those female kitty-cats you see walking around with their little bellies sagging, even though they haven’t had kittens? Yeah, just like that!

2. Remember those older women you’d see with really bad makeup jobs? Lipstick outside the lines, mascara smeared on their cheeks, eyeliner line woefully askew? They aren’t drunks. THEY CAN’T SEE! They don’t know how bad it looks! They glanced in the mirror on their way out of the house and thought they looked dandy! They are making the fatal mistake of not putting reading glasses on to check their makeup all the time. Never do this. At 40, buy yourselves several pairs of reading glasses and magnifying mirrors. Always check your face with either the glasses on or with the mirror. Never leave home without them! Because people won’t pull you aside to say: Do you realize you have eyeliner on the end of your nose? No, they will silently think: “Joan Kennedy.”

3. And yes, to reiterate … after 40, you won’t be able to see. The print isn’t getting smaller. You’re getting old. Thankfully you can buy really cute reading glasses now and for cheap!

4. We all know about varicose veins but no one really tells you just how veiny you get in all of your extremities. Yesterday I sat on the edge of the bathtub with my reading glasses on checking out my legs and body for anything unsightly — CRUCIAL! YOU MUST DO THIS!! — and I was horrified to see how veiny even my feet and ankles are getting. GROSS! And I have always been a relatively non-veiny person who tans very easily. I pity the alabaster-skinned girls … it must be a horror show.

5. You will do stupid things more regularly. Every time I’m at my office, I stand waiting for the elevator without pushing the up or down button. Every single day. Just standing there, wondering why it won’t come. You will also completely forget people’s names, where you met them, and everything about them. You will forget how old you are. You will struggle to remember what years your children were born. Your brain just runs out of memory, and there’s no upgrading at the Apple store.

6. Your visit from Aunt Flo will become completely chaotic and unpredictable. You just never know whether that bitch is going to be sweet and tidy and stay just a day or two, or settle in for a week of hellish, insanely obscene partying and mess-making with your uterus. Your lifelong hatred for her will intensify immensely until, I guess, she just ups and leaves, never to return. And when that happens, you’ll get a huge beer belly and grow a beard. What fun!

7. Further to beards. The whiskers …. they don’t stop showing up. Never leave home without your tweezers and the aforementioned magnifying mirror.

8. Perhaps because everything else is going to hell, you will become far more organized, neat and tidy in your home. You will have learned after an adult life spent in a state of chaos, perhaps after raising children for years, that an organized and tidy home just saves you so much hassle and causes you to sleep more soundly at night. You will develop routines that are comforting to you, a standard of cleanliness and order that brings peace to you, and it will unnerve you or piss you off when they’re disrupted. I am beginning to understand why old people get cranky on this front. They know better. They had their years of not knowing where anything was and running around like maniacs and having to be the brains and the “finder” for several family members. Now you’re on your own, and you want it your way, and you will get cranky and out of sorts when it’s someone else’s way.

9. When your hair goes gray it will also change texture entirely. I have always had soft fine hair. Now I have this grey at my temples that is coarse and wiry. I have never dealt with such a thing. I hardly know what to do. Sometimes when I blow-dry it’s all fly-away and crazy and I look like Christopher Lloyd in Back To The Future, so I rub moisturizer between my hands and smooth it down. It seems to work. After years of  voluminizing, suddenly I’m smoothing. Weird.

10. Little spider veins will appear in strange places, and those little bright red pin-pointy things. Gross!

11. The music is too loud and concerts are really no longer very much fun.

12. Your joints really will ache. Remember hanging around old people and wondering why they grunted and groaned every time they got up from a sitting position? You know why? Because it fucking hurts. My knees are always killing me from all the walking and spinning, and my hips too sometimes.

13. Thankfully, I have not noticed in any alarming manner that my petunia is drying out. I suppose I have that to look forward to. I have other girlfriends who get it regularly from their husbands who tell me that it’s brutal. I am not in that position, and only get it a handful of times a year, and perhaps I am so happy to be getting it that it hasn’t happened yet. Something else to look forward to.

14. Your neck will begin to disgust you. Mine is starting to go, despite slathering Pond’s cold cream on it every night. Hideous.

15. You will start to see the value in spending a little more money on nice things. I can’t bargain shop anymore and buy something just because it’s cheap. I’d rather spend a little more money and buy something I can see myself wearing for the next few years. Women in their 40s wearing cheap clothes and shoes — you can kind of tell, can’t you? I can. So I have left behind Forever 21 and even H and M and now I’m going a lot to Ann Taylor Loft, where the stuff is still cute but well-made and a little more pricy. Instead of Payless, I get shoes on sale at Macy’s or at the Nine West outlet store in my town. I’M OLD, GODDAMMIT! It’s time I faced it and tried to dress with class. Let it never be said I am a mutton dressed up as a lamb!

16. You will have little tolerance for people who bug you or who you sense are taking advantage of you because at your age, who needs it? When I was young, I used to care whether people liked me, even arseholes. Now I don’t. I SO don’t, in fact, that I have all but ended a friendship with one person (crazy Facebook lady, “Kelly”), and have put my loony friend from childhood at serious arms’ length after one too many lines were crossed. I don’t care very much if they’re hurt because these are lifelong patterns and I’m not the first person to pull away. And you won’t care either once you get into your 40s! It’s very liberating!

17. And now for some tips. You want to stay looking pretty good? I get told I’m doing well, and I don’t know if it’s true because I loathe my appearance like every other woman, but if so …

Don’t tan your face past 30.

Wear caps everywhere you go during the day. I do, in winter and summer.

Don’t get drunk more than once every couple of weeks.

Don’t smoke.

Get lots of sleep … crucial.

Get lots of exercise (helps with the sleep!).

Eat lots of fruit and veggies.

Stay away from processed crap food like potato chips.

Moisturize as if your life depends on it. I think I moisturize my face three times a day and I have since I was in my 20s, even when I was prone to oily skin. Get oil-free moisturizers because it’s the elasticity your skin needs! It must remain supple!

I say if I can help you youngsters as you head into the battle by telling you what you’re in for and arming you with as much information as possible, I’ve performed a service here today. I look forward to writing another post when I’m turning 75 and you young bitches are what, turning 40? Cry me a river!

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