Hello my Hookers,

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I’ve missed you!  So Sorry for not posting, things have been hectic and new and exciting and unfamiliar.  The mister and I have just completed a move from the MidWest to the desert of Las Vegas and it was brutal.  We drove the whole way, it took forever, my ass almost fell off in the process.  Never again.  Additionally, the other Buttercups are finding their summer to be more stressful than carefree – Trixie is about to move, (again) Panda is still in work confinement (although her last smuggled letter tells us she maybe, possibly can see the light at the end of the tunnel), and Tailfeather has a touch of the piggy flu combined with a massive workload determined to kill her – she is fighting valiantly.

Nonetheless, we Buttercups believe in finding the brighter side of things, the lighter side, the side of the pillow not soaked in snot and tears and your good mascara.  Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke, right?

And so, today we are talking about the J-O-B.  For in these harsh, economic times everyone is worried about, hating, wishing for or hanging on to whatever job we can find.  But you know, when it comes right down to it, a job is a job is a job.  When you need to make rent, or put food in the fridge, or pay for school supplies, or get your car fixed, or pay medical bills, it’s time to do whatever it is that needs doing.

I’ve had some damn shitty jobs in my life, and I’ve had some fun ones.  Looking back on it though, I see how the shitty jobs have given me perspective, shown me that I could do things I didn’t think I could, and given me the confidence to know that, hey, if I can get through this, I can get through anything.  Bring it on.  After the jump, kadinsky’s illustrious employment history.===========================================================
Underage video store clerk: This was a shop right across from my high school and I got the job when I was 14.  The owner was this old Persian man who worked the counter in the morning, which meant he sat upfront watching porn until someone came in.  This is where I learned that all porn rooms smell the same.  I’m serious, I don’t know why or how, but any porn shop in any city has the same smell.  Thankfully, we didn’t have a porn theater – you’ll see why in a minute*.

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Pizza delivery: Got this job when I was 15, and I took the orders, worked the counter and later managed the drivers.  If I worked the afternoon shift I would help with the pizza prep.  You should know that whenever Pizza Hut has a special on say, pepperoni pizzas, it’s because they have extra (old) stock in the warehouse and they need to get rid of it.  I also slept with the older, married assistant manager (out of curiosity), who was a total douchebucket, but that’s a story for another day.

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Dog groomer: For the weirdest couple (tan-aholic wife who favored the shade of Slim Jim and had 3 inch long neon orange dragon lady nails and a very fey husband) who made me paint all the dog toe nails in crazy neon colours, especially the poodles.  (Poodles are assholes, by the way).  They had the cutest tow headed twin girls, about 4yrs old, who they trained to fetch their cigarettes.  I often wondered if those children were stolen but they never appeared to be in any distress.

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Waitress: At various sports bars, restaurants, beer gardens and local police and firefighters fundraisers, including a steakhouse where the thing was to cut off any neckties that walked in.  For real, if you wore a tie into the restaurant, we would gather all the waitstaff, holler out this song as we walked to your table clanging a fucking cowbell the whole way so everyone would look.  Then we would hold your tie straight up in the air and chop it off with a giant pair of scissors and staple it to the wall. It was a fun job though, I wore Rockies every night (best. ass. ever.) and a sweet 7x black cowboy hat.  And all the employees hooked up at some point, as you do.

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Bartender: Various bars, frat parties, private yacht parties, beer tubs.  One time I worked a grand opening for a bar with an amazon theme, so I was dressed like Barbarella on opening night.  I had to walk up and down the bar pouring shots down my leg every hour, you can just imagine.

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Auto show model: You’ve seen those LowRider magazines?  The car clubs with custom everything and insane sound systems?  I was heavily into that in high school, had my name painted on the back window of my boyfriend’s ride and everything, whut?  If you wanted to be in the upper echelons of the culture, you needed to have a ride that was competition worthy.  I fucked around with bridged boxes and IASCA regulations for a bit, but because I am an attention whore I dropped it like it’s hot in booty shorts and did the skanky over the shoulder stare.  Vogue, here I come.

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Entertainment director:  For a club with the very unfortunate name of  ‘Hanky Panky‘ – no, it was not a strip club or a swinger’s joint, but goddamnit everybody thought it was.

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Equipment rental:  Sat in a shop, bored to death when not renting chainsaws, tillers, snakes, stuff for making a mess.  Sometimes I cleaned up the machines, greased the chains, primed the pumps.  Other times I stole candy from the VA Fundraiser box and prank called my ex’s.

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Tanning salon:  The chain was open 24/7 and if you got stuck with graveyard shift you put up with some WEIRD shit, like the drunks who come in to tan at 3am and piss all over the floor or make murals out of the lotion packets and playboy bunny stickets.  Or the pervs who think the place is a rub-and-tug and keep sliding up the counter and ‘asking for help with the lotion’.  Then again, the lady who shit herself in the bed happened in the middle of the day, so I suppose the weirdness wasn’t reserved to graveyard.  All things considered, it was kind of a sexy job.  I met a lot of pro athletes and the prettiest guy I ever dated.

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Come back later for the rest of the list as it turned out to be longer than I expected.  Still to come: out call masseuse (yes, that kind), stripper, *peep show attendant (possibly the nastiest job ever), sheetrocker (a butch phase!), front desk at gym, house cleaner, life insurance salesperson, food court worker, account exec, software instructor, software installer, software sales, human resources generalist , drug dealer, IT help desk and consultant.

But now, it’s my turn.  Tell me what you’ve done to make a dime!

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