Oh yes, I survived.
I survived the small talk, Vern’s corny jokes — “Do you have a twin? No? Because you look just like the woman who lives across the street!” — extremely dry chicken breasts topped with orange juice and burnt rosemary needles, frozen vegetables still frozen in the middle, and grace, oh yes, grace.
Grace went on for approximately four minutes, and we had to hold hands around the table as it was uttered by Vern. A twitching, stuttering Vern incorporated so much: he thanked the Lord for the weather, for the fact that I moved in across the street, for my children, for his children, for Minnie’s delicious dinner, for the upcoming dessert, for the fact that rain was in the forecast in the coming hours, for general health, happiness and prosperity. The chicken was cold by the time he finished, and my hand was sweaty from his.
There were two highlights of the night: firstly, when Vern told me “I love you!” when he hugged me good-bye — wha????? — but a half hour before that, when he made the mistake of allowing a blueberry to roll off his plate. I had baked a blueberry coffee cake for dessert, and Minnie went snaky because a lone, plump little berry fell off Vern’s plate and rolled across her polyester lace tablecloth that was bound for the washing machine anyway. Shades of my mother. Poor Vern was all embarrassed; I felt for the twitching old guy even though I still suspect he has buried body parts under Minnie’s root cellar.
The other hilarious moment: Minnie complimenting “all the lovely dresses you wear,” and then taking down the information when I told her about vintage 1950s day dresses on eBay. That’s right, bitches — I’ve got a single white female, and she’s a 70-year-old Jesus freak!
Another fascinating revelation — both Minnie and Vern have their masters degrees in psychology. And Minnie’s mother went to med school in the 1920s, and divorced her husband in the 1930s — a single mother of two children, way back then. Her mother went on to marry a bad man, however, and when Vern started to talk about what an evil bastard he was, Minnie hissed at him to zip it.
I believe this is the key. Minnie had an evil stepfather, and she turned to religion to survive him.
And so for many reasons, four-minute grace and Vern’s proclamations of love notwithstanding, I am glad I went to dinner at Minnie and Vern’s. They are weirdos, but intriguing weirdos. They asked me what I thought about the health-care debate, and when I told them calmly that I thought it was inhumane and un-Christian for such a generous country to deny almost 50 million Americans affordable health care, I saw something click in their Republican eyes … something compassionate and empathetic.
And one other thing? Minnie goes to Trader Joe’s once a week, and says I can come along any time! Me and Minnie, in our matching vintage rockabilly dresses, cruising the Trader Joe’s aisles for frozen Thai dumplings because FUCK Whole Foods!!
I love living in America!
August 25, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Wait… “come along” as in “her treat”? ‘Cause that’s what my mother says when she wants to buy me groceries.
Excellent wording on the health care issue.
August 26, 2009 at 12:29 am
OMG. Don’t end up buried under their house in a pretty dress!
August 26, 2009 at 5:36 am
You must post the blueberry CAKE! recipie – I crave it. The dinner sounds not too bad and you may actually do alright with Minnie and Vern, as long as they don’t try to convert you. I’m surprised she doesn’t already have a wardrobe full of 50’s dresses by the sound of her.
August 26, 2009 at 4:37 pm
It sounds like an absolutely fascinating dinner. Genuinely so. Like you said, these people are intriguing.
Plus anyone who likes Trader Joe’s isn’t half bad.
August 26, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Here it is. It’s very tasty!
CREAM CHEESE AND BLUEBERRY COFFEE CAKE
1/2 c. butter
1 1/4 c. sugar
2 eggs
2 1/4 c. flour
1 tbsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
3/4 c. milk
1/4 c. water
2 c. blueberries
1 (8 oz.) pkg. cream cheese, cubed
TOPPING:
1/4 c. sugar
1/4 c. flour
2 tbsp. butter
Powdered sugar
Beat butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Add combined 2 cups flour, baking powder and salt; alternately with combined milk and water, mixing well after each addition. Toss blueberries with remaining flour. Fold into batter with cream cheese. Pour into greased and floured 13″x9″ pan.
TOPPING: Combine sugar and flour, cut in butter with fork until mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Sprinkle over batter. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to an hour (check at 45 put inserting knife into middle). Cool. Dust with powdered sugar before serving.
August 26, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Thankyou!!
August 27, 2009 at 7:03 am
Aw, you and Minnie are gonna be besties!
August 27, 2009 at 9:34 am
Thank the Lord for the weather, I love you!
Mwhahahaha!!!!
Love it!
August 28, 2009 at 5:19 pm
OK. I’ve waited days to say this, but just be careful, Trix. These people scare me.BIG FREEZER DOWNSTAIRS.
August 29, 2009 at 7:56 pm
I guess you will be annoyed if you come over to my place for dinner, because we sit around the table, hold hands and pray before we eat. No hashbrown casserole and banana pudding for you.
August 30, 2009 at 4:46 pm
coming from a family that prays before every meal and before bed, and with an understanding that part of the christian faith is to thank God for any little thing you feel is a blessing from Him, i don’t see the weirdness in the 4 minute prayer.
September 2, 2009 at 8:47 pm
The only grace I had ever participated in until this one was the following: “For what we are about to receive, let us be truly grateful, amen.” So, yeah, for me, four minutes was really, really long. I kept thinking it was done and it just kept on going.
September 2, 2009 at 9:25 pm
I am going to randomly reply to your most recent comment to say, have you seen this? http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0061658197/harpercollinspub/
September 4, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Haguenite: I know!!! I pre-ordered one for me and one for Minnie!!