grumpy old peopleI have some questions:

1.  When did you completely lose all your table manners and disregard the practice of keeping food IN your mouth while eating?  You do realize the reason you choke and cough all the time is because you insist on talking while your mouth is trying to chew, yes?

2.  When did you lose your sense of smell and start the daily habit of pouring half a bottle of perfume/after shave on your head?  Additionally, while I appreciate your spraying of air freshener after you drop a bomb in the terlet, it is not necessary to deploy the contents of the entire can.  You wanted to know why the flowers in the hallway died?  It’s because you replaced all the air with Renuzit and the only choices it had were mutate or die.

3.  When did you decide it would be appropriate to dig a tunnel to China, starting in your nose?  I seem to recall having my hands swatted away from my face when I did this as a child, yet every time I look over at you I am greeted with the sight of your finger buried to the knuckle up your fucking nose.  Followed by a complete and thorough sweep of the nostril cavity, accomplished by you rotating your finger 180 degrees in each direction.  The visual is rather alarming you know, and YES, that child was staring at you and I suspect it was because it looked like you were bowling with marbles up there.

4.  Why must you stand right next to me in front of a restaurant hostess and loudly fart, several times, in gas powered engine fashion?  Just because you have perfected the Innocent Look when engaged in such molecular assault, does not mean the rest of the immediate vicinity did not just hear your ass make sounds akin to the ripping of bedsheets.  Oh, and your remarks of, “It doesn’t stink” does not make it so.

5.  Why is it necessary to click and suck on your teeth 23 hours of every day?  One of you carries toothpicks everywhere and the other has removable teeth, so I am truly puzzled as to why you constantly make sounds like giant crickets.  Bonus:  watching you pick your molars with a steak knife!

6.  Why did you bring a separate suitcase full of shoes yet refuse to walk further than the driveway?  I know what you’re up to, you plan on leaving your shit at my house after you leave just to irritate me.  I see you.

7.  Why do you continually fall asleep in  front of the TV yet refuse to take a nap or go to bed?  And why do you instantly start making hissing sounds if you catch someone else napping?  WHY IS NAPPING SUCH A CRIME??  Related:  when you fall asleep sitting at the dinner table because you refuse to take a nap, THAT is why your fucking neck hurts. (stop blaming my pillows, kthx).

In closing, do you have a copy of my birth certificate to prove we are actually biologically related?  Just curious….