For many months now, I have been playing online Scrabble with an agent of Satan. Around here, she’s known as M. In my world, she’s known as M is for Motherfucker.

The woman is a Scrabble demon. We have probably played 500 games over the past several months; I have won about 10 of them (including one six-game winning streak that briefly plunged M into a depression which only served to make her stronger and meaner). For the vast majority of our games, I have been ahead until the last turn or two. Then she calmly puts down a Q or a Z on a triple-letter score with some word I’d never heard of and I am left sputtering and cursing at the computer.

She is quiet and stealthy in her play, except when it comes time to gloat, but that’s mostly because I’ve been swearing at her for the previous 10 plays, knowing full well every game that she is plotting, scheming, lying in wait to kick my ass once again in the 11th hour. My common names for her are as follows: Whore. Bitch. Hosebeast. Ho. Fuckhead. Hookerface. Miserable fuckface. Satan. Evil!!! Evil!!!

Occassionally, she speaks, like towards the end of the game last night. The exchange went something like this:

M: Do something! You’ve screwed up the board again!

Me: I screwed up the board? You screwed up the board with your stupid MULE and your stupid LANE! And SUQ? What the hell is that?

M: How about your ISM? What the hell was that???

Me: ISM opened up a triple-word for you, you ungrateful hag. What did SUQ do for me?

M: You wasted an S! You could have had SUQ too!

Me: Hey, lady, how about for once you open the board up, huh? What, you need to BEAT MY ASS A FEW MORE TIMES? Thousands of wins haven’t been enough for you?

That was met with dead silence. I knew it was a terrible sign. Although I had 10 points on her in my final play, once again the wily Scrabble demon beat my ass down.

M haunts my dreams with her stealthy Scrabble ways. Because of the time difference, I often go to bed thinking I’ve got the game in the bag, only to wake up the next morning, while she’s still sleeping peacefully on the West Coast, to find she’s fucked me yet again.

I have threatened to fly there and rough her up, but she only giggles. In short, this Dark Scrabble Queen cannot be defeated. You have been warned.

p.s. The above photo was posted for no other reason except that it’s hilarious.