I believe I can officially say that autumn is my least favorite time of year in this part of the world. Yes, I love the brisk temperatures and the glorious colors. But oh my God, The Leaves.
I don’t know why The Leaves are so abundant here. There are trees in Canada, after all. But perhaps given the climate, the trees seem denser, more packed with leaves than any trees I am familiar with. And so when The Leaves come down, it is almost suffocating. I have a 400-year-old sycamore in my backyard. I have a big huge maple in the front. They are MASSIVE. And when they drop their leaves, we are talking what seem like millions and millions of leaves.
The Leaves haunt my dreams. They fall down the chimney. They end up everywhere in the house. If it rains, they form a thick mat several inches thick that is almost impossible to rake. I am constantly sweeping and raking and sweeping and raking. I saw a snake slither out of The Leaves the other day. I have seen dead rodents in them. I dream I am drowning in the The Leaves. I dream they are alive. I am not a nightmare person, but The Leaves freak me the fuck out.
I am also tense about The Leaves and The Trimbles. Fucking Vern Trimble is out in his yard several times a day, raking them. He is an enemy of The Leaves, and I feel his judgment when I am only out, say, several times a week. He plucks stray leaves off his car constantly, and he’s parked under an oak. He is always, always on top of The Leaves. The Leaves are apparently his life for two months every autumn.
But I could no longer keep up with The Leaves, so I phoned a lawn and garden place to come blow them and then dump them on the side of the road, where the county is scheduled to come get them this week. And as I type this, right now, the Trimbles are out there tsking and clucking and whispering to themselves on their front porch as two guys go at my leaves with leaf-blowers. I already saw Vern approach one of the lawn guys, and speak briefly. This happened shortly after Vern brushed about a dozen leaves off his car — leaves that apparently were blown there by the garden guys.
This infuriates me. Fuck off, Trimbles. I have a life, and I prefer not to spend six hours a day raking fucking leaves. Yes, I hired a Hispanic lawn service company to come help me out. I know you don’t like brown people, especially not brown people with loud machines, but I don’t like The Leaves, so piss right off.
November 10, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Bwahaha!! This is the beauty of living in the city… No goddamn leaves!! When I lived in the country the leaves were neverending. But my family left them in the yard to be found again rotting come springtime
November 10, 2009 at 6:02 pm
What happens if you leave them? People are so nutso about getting rid of them. I can see getting rid of them off the lawn, but what would happen if you left them around the shrubs? Wouldn’t the leaves decay and serve as compost?
November 10, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I am crying! you and my mother have the same hatred for leaves, only she gets out there with Vern regularity, dragging her own leaf blower. the funny part is that their yard is small and I can tell it’s not as leaf-strewn as your yard, but she has enacted foliage jihad just the same. keep in mind, this is a woman who also drains, scrubs and refills her ornamental pond every week (and is perplexed as to why nothing will live in there)and is constantly angry with the dogs for not wiping their feet before they come in.
November 11, 2009 at 11:14 am
I think foliage jihad is required once you receive Social Security!
November 10, 2009 at 6:49 pm
oh, if you leave The Leaves around your shrubs they will decompose but so will your shrubs since they won’t be getting any light due to the leaves.
November 11, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I can tell your our neighbors were none too happy with the leafy compost that became of our front yard. It’s pretty nasty to sit there and let them rot!
November 10, 2009 at 7:45 pm
God made leaves fall that way for a reason. Now, I’m not saying leave a thick layer of wet leaves all winter long, but you don’t have to constantly rake. Besides, constant raking ruins your grass. Just get the thick layer off now, then leave the stragglers. Or mow ’em and shred ’em.
November 11, 2009 at 6:45 am
Snakes? I ended up ankle-deep in leaves on my Saturday morning walk. Now that you mention snakes and dead rodents, I am going to have to find a new route or wait for winter.
November 11, 2009 at 6:57 am
Amoureuse: Just avoid Sligo Creek Park. I took the dog on a walk over there and she was sniffing around the bank of the creek and one slithered out of the leaves and into the water. I mean it literally slithered right over my shoe. I don’t have a snake phobia or anything, and I didn’t scream or freak out. Still, it was a: “Holy shit, there are snakes in the leaves” moment.
November 11, 2009 at 8:35 am
OMG!OMG!It slithered over your shoe? Faints.
November 11, 2009 at 11:09 am
I WANT THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING LEAVES.
November 11, 2009 at 5:30 pm
HA! I am free of leaf-anxiety, as my habitats have been South TX (green year-round, basically), the Northeast (college campuses, they have leaf people), and UK cities (hardly a tree in sight).
I can only conclude I would fall (JOKE!) into your camp: Hire some MF gardeners.
Like every season, Autumn is all pretty until it gets icky (Spring: hayfever; summer: sweatiness; winter: dirty snow and runny noses).
November 12, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Wow. Senor Trimble really needs to get laid. Seriously, mulch ’em and leave ’em. His crazy does not have to become your crazy. Take a stand for sanity in yard maintenance! Nothing bad will happen if you mow over the leaves and leave them over the winter. Leaves are great organic material, and soil needs it.
–Grew Up in New Hampshire, Land of Truly Mindblowing Volumes of Leaves
November 13, 2009 at 4:07 pm
This all sounds very complicated and makes me want to go outside and caress my sweet, sweet San Francisco cement, a little.
November 14, 2009 at 9:02 am
Be afraid, very afraid, because I suspect Mrs. Trimble has an arts and crafts project based in leaves coming to a table near you soon. Think about leaving town for Thanksgiving, Trix.
November 14, 2009 at 6:51 pm
isn’t this why god invented children? can’t you pull a tom sawyer and trick him into raking them?