So I have sort of been consumed for the last few weeks, shamefully, with the man I am dating. It was all LOVE LOVE LOVE at New Year’s, and then sort of plateau-ed and levelled out the past few weeks. And I have been confused by it, though never hurt or weeping or anything, because he’s been totally kind and for the most part attentive to me. But there have definitely been times where I have felt him suddenly pulling away, and I haven’t known what the hell is going on.
But anyway, for some reason we ended up having a big “state of the union” conversation this weekend, brought on by me, and basically it comes down to this: He is five years younger than me. He wants to have children. My womb is closed for business. He is in love with me, but pulls back because he fears just how painful the inevitable breakup is going to be.
So we got weepy and clung to one another and I gave him the old “Do you want to break up now? Because I totally understand if you do” line — actually not a line, but the truth — and he was horrified, insisting he doesn’t want to break up, but he is messed up about the depth of his feelings for me and how they probably will have to be doused at some point.
I said hey look, British motherfucker, let’s just take each day as it comes. Let’s not write it off entirely, let’s not heap all kinds of long-term expectations on it, let’s just enjoy each other and you can tell me you love me, for God’s sake, if that’s how you feel. If/when we break up, I am not going to hold it over your head and shriek: BUT YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME!!! As a tw0-time divorcee — SO PROUD!! — obviously I know that love does not mean permanency in many situations. Sad but true, and a lesson that is hard to learn at times.
So anyway, things are even more loving/sexy now than ever, because clearly we both realize our days are numbered, but today I get my little e-mailed horoscope and this is what it says:
“The veil between this world and other worlds has stretched as thin as it can get. And although your magical mystery tour may not be over just yet, you have the distinct feeling that one phase is ending and another is about to begin.”
Yeah, thanks for that, Sidney Omarr or whoever the hell you are. And just for kicks, I read his:
“You may not be as clear about your long-term goals today, especially if discussions with friends lead you to start thinking about things from a different angle. A new strategy begins to take shape in your mind, but it becomes less plausible the more you think about it. It’s great as an idea, but its execution could be impractical.”
So I don’t really know what’s going on now or where we’re headed, but this is my life right now. Love hurts.