Okay, we might as well give up. Because no one is getting any work done today, not if you have a working internet connection and can read. Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods, Golfer Extraordinaire and Stupid Fucker of the Year is the hot topic for today after one of his mistresses stuck it to him by releasing a hilarious and damning series of text messages she says she received from the Fool.
Sports fans, head over to Deadspin for the original and where you will appreciate some of the comments. Actually, I’m a bit disappointed in DS today, the early comments were cracking me up but the later ones are just weak.
But VirusWithShoes from Wordsmoker has taken liberties with the texts and has posted his version which has me howling with laughter. Observe:
Tiger:Sent: 06:17 PM 07/30/2009:
Just so you know i have to get up at 415 tomorrow. Suck me off until midnight. I need to watch PBS.
Tiger:Sent: 07:30 PM 07/30/2009:
Just let me know when you are headed down to my crotch. Wear a bell around your neck.
Tiger:Sent: 01:27 AM 07/31/2009:
Did you get lost. Door is open. Sorry, forgot you were a natural blond. Follow the trail of clubs to my room.
Tiger:Sent: 02:16 PM 07/31/2009:
What time do you leave. Can you tell the time. Is the sun up near you. Or is it dark. If its dark, its usually night.
Tiger:Sent: 06:34 AM 08/06/2009:
In ohio playing with a live hand grenade. Helps concentration,.
Tiger:Sent: 05:54 AM 08/09/2009:
I told you im playing these two weeks. I have to golf sometimes between fucking.
Tiger:Sent: 06:50 PM 08/09/2009:
In about a month. It’ll happen again. Maybe every month. They call it menstruation.
Tiger:Sent: 06:51 PM 08/09/2009:
Maybe sooner. Can’t talk now. I’m on larry king live.
Tiger:Sent: 10:27 AM 08/20/2009:
So you have been with others? Are they all golfers.
Tiger:Sent: 10:45 PM 08/23/2009:
Not a bad thing thinking about me. Do I look plastic to you.
Tiger:Sent: 11:00 PM 08/23/2009:
I totally agree. Donny Osmond, too.
Tiger:Sent: 11:03 PM 08/23/2009:
In Connecticut hunting blonds.
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/28/2009:
Maybe in two weeks in chicago. Depends on blagojevich.
Tiger:Sent: 03:19 PM 08/29/2009:
I need that so bad. love early fleetwood mac.
Tiger:Sent: 03:32 PM 08/29/2009:
I would love to have the ability to make you sore. Can i punch your tits.
Tiger:Sent: 03:35 PM 08/29/2009:
In a week. I will try to wear you out like a banjo now.
Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard. Is this the right way around.
Tiger:Sent: 03:37 PM 08/29/2009:
Do you ever hook up with other guys or girls. Or is it only multimillionaire golfers.
Tiger:Sent: 03:41 PM 08/29/2009:
You didnt answer the question. What is the state capital of wisconsin.
Tiger:Sent: 03:43 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. I would like to have a threesome with you and another girl you trust. Maybe Streisand.
Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat. Brush your teeth.
Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore. Just like i am with nike.
Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own. Just like a priest or a cab-driver.
Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise. Did the same to nicklaus when he interrupted me.
Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten. Louisiana?
Tiger:Sent: 04:24 PM 08/29/2009:
Ok. Now your talking. Whatever i want. You are mine. Thats what gillette said to me.
Tiger:Sent: 04:39 PM 08/29/2009:
Whatever else turns you on. Do you watch documentaries about stalin.
Tiger:Sent: 04:53 PM 08/29/2009:
I know you have tried every positing imaginable but what turns you on besides a dp. Do you like being screamed at in german.
Tiger:Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009:
I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around. Ruin your credit rating with moodys.
Tiger:Sent: 05:12 PM 08/29/2009:
For years. And punish you for not seeing me more. Keep you in the attic like anne frank.
Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me of the existence of extraterrestrial life in other galaxies.
Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till the late show.
Tiger:Sent: 09:20 AM 09/03/2009:
Was playing sexy but nicklaus didnt notice again.
Tiger:Sent: 11:38 AM 09/07/2009:
Did you get my text with all the info about roswell new mexico.
Tiger:Sent: 11:41 AM 09/07/2009:
I will text you the room number when i get there. Compare number with actual number on room door this time.
Tiger:Sent: 11:43 AM 09/07/2009:
I have to check in to get the room. Hate these restrictive hotel rules.
Tiger:Sent: 11:44 AM 09/07/2009:
I should get there before you anyways as im in big car and you are walking.
Tiger:Sent: 12:27 PM 09/07/2009:
In about 3 hours a small fire will be discovered in nicklaus room.
Tiger:Sent: 12:30 PM 09/07/2009:
I will be there before you for sure. Im still in big car. You are still on foot.
Tiger:Sent: 12:35 PM 09/07/2009:
You just make sure you take care of me when you get here. Boiling water and fresh towels and a bowl of raspberries.
Tiger:Sent: 06:28 PM 09/07/2009:
Great. Nicklaus made it out alive. Feel sick.
Tiger:Sent: 07:12 PM 09/07/2009:
No turkey unless it’s a club sandwich. Thats a golf joke.
Tiger:Sent: 07:32 PM 09/07/2009:
How close are you to nancy pelosi.
Tiger:Sent: 07:47 PM 09/07/2009:
Sweet. Dont come down here yet. Lots of people in the hall. I will let you know when it clears. Will start another fire, maybe.
Tiger:Sent: 08:16 PM 09/07/2009:
Are you close to being ready. Youve been in the bathroom for twelve hours now.
Tiger:Sent; 08:32 PM 09/07/2009:
Come on down. Its quiet here in the hall now. Small fire cleared the place.
Tiger:Sent: 03:38 PM 09/08/2009:
I will be over in 10mins. Please buy a watch. When you see me it will be 10 mins.
Tiger:Sent: 03:54 PM 09/08/2009:
Let me know when you leave your room. Ill call to remind you to close door.
Tiger:Sent: 07:35 PM 09/08/2009:
Having a few issues at home. Wife crying, waving 5 iron in my direction.
Tiger:Sent: 07:39 PM 09/08/2009:
Parent hood melt down:) Hate ron howard.
Tiger:Sent: 08:01 PM 09/08/2009:
How much was your flight. I can have you freighted next time. Will be cold but secure in hold.
Tiger:Sent: 07:43 PM 09/09/2009:
Great thing is we have a life time of this. Im rich and famous and will never be caught.
Tiger:Sent: 05:44 AM 10/01/2009:
I know that. Thats why i wont do that. Antibiotics ruin my game.
Click over for the FULL THING – I know, can you believe he fucked up this many times?