When the UK Metro alerted me (via Jezebel) to this story about the evil clown on hire to parents in Switzerland to stalk their children for a week, I was not only intrigued, repulsed, and delighted, I immediately forwarded it to every child-hater I know. The service?

Dominic DeVille stalks young victims for a week, sending chilling texts, making prank phone calls and setting traps in letterboxes.  He posts notes warning children they are being watched, telling them they will be attacked.  But Deville is not an escaped lunatic or some demonic monster.  He is a birthday treat, hired by mum and dad, and the ‘attack’ involves being splatted in the face with a cake.

‘The child feels more and more that it is being pursued,’ said Deville.  ‘The clown’s one and only aim is to smash a cake into the face of his victim, when they least expect it, during the course of seven days.’

Horrific, cruel, hilarious, yes, yes, and yes.  Also, probably more appropriate for adults who are in on the joke, although I think it is sickly awesome that this exists at all.  But where do consenting adults go for Hot Clown Action, you ask!  (You did ask, right?).  My good friend Fozzy Bear immediately emailed with the answer.  Enter:  Sugar Weasel of Austin, Texas, who services the greater las Vegas area as well:

[T]he self-proclaimed Clown Escort is an adult entertainer, a world-class lover, a rogue and a scoundrel.  Interpreted, Sugar Weasel is a punk rock thrill ride that leaves you weak kneed and panting for more….  He possesses a singular vision to make the world a strangely erotic, more satisfying place for women.  His exotic go-go dance is like watching a roller coaster derail…

Well, WOW, right?  [Sic] aside, that is some tantalizing copy right there.  Let’s find out about this gentleman’s services:

Modeling, exotic dancing & stripteases, fantasies and role play (Sugar Weasel loves to dress up like a fireman or a cowboy) exhibitionism (public places) Clown dominating woman, woman dominating Clown, intimate photo shoots, buffoonery, and full service escort for all your social and intimate needs.

Um, hello, perfect Clown boyfriend?  Sadly, high-quality clowning is not cheap.  Rates are between $300 and $1200 an hour, by appointment, and travel and hotel are extra.  But be warned:  Clown may be for frivolous, frisky business, but he is not your Craigslist-variety clown:

My rates are for my time and companionship only.  Anything else that may or may not occur is a matter of personal choice between two or more consenting adults of legal age, and is not contracted for compensation of any manner.  This is not an offer for prostitution but rather an adult clown escort service.

This sounds like one hell of a memorable birthday or bachelorette party, I have to say (not appropriate for anyone with actual coulrophobia, outside of the entirely normal aversion we all have to clowns).  I’ve identified one possible downside to Sugar Weasel, however.

While I whole-heartedly recommend checking out his extremely professional PeepShow Gallery, I noticed, in addition to his relative hotness, Sugar Weasel bears some resemblance to Oscar Bluth in his split-wig photos.

Make of this what you will.  Who knows, it could even be a selling point.