Favorite Things


Many moons ago, I was forcibly uprooted from the co-ed, hippie, Montessori learning enclave of my early childhood and enrolled by my parents in Catholic all-girls’ school.  Whereas once I had daily worn teal-and-black animal-print high tops and tee-shirts celebrating the fall of the Berlin Wall, I was suddenly thrust into a world of uniform plaid jumpers, saddle-shoes, and dour-faced nuns.

Orderly rows of assigned desks replaced the colorful carpets on which I was accustomed to lounging.  I was no longer permitted to while away the hours in the library, obsessively consuming comics and books on the Salem witch trials, or scribbling in my journal.  Instead, study time was strictly scheduled and misbehavior was publicly punished.  I was forced to take math beyond pushing a desultory bead around an abacus.

Math, in fact, was the fundamental cause of this disorienting change of course, as recent testing demonstrated that my nine-year-old self possessed the vocabulary of the average college student (thanks to my insatiable appetite for reading) and the math skills of your average three-year-old sorting out Cheerios at the breakfast table.  It seems my parents found this troubling, and despite the fact that I could adeptly weave hammocks from plastic six-pack rings and was extremely disturbed by the Gulf War, some basic educational tenets were lacking in my development.

This alleged inability (or total unwillingness) to learn math was also what prompted my mother to chauffeur me, whining, to Kumon twice a week, while my dad suffered my crying fits over everything from fractions to basic Algebra.  If you are wondering if the extra-curricular Kumon teaching methods are effective, I can only say that my math skills sped from 0 to 60 and the school was later that same year forced to furnish me with a sixth-grade math book – this for the girl who, months prior, had barely mastered basic addition.  In my experience, Kumon is the steroids of arithmetic, and for your math-averse child, akin to a prolonged, pinpointed torture session.  Obviously, I plan to subject my own children to it in the future, when they’ve been very bad.    (more…)

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I was an avid reader as a child. I read “Death of a President,” a big huge tome about the Kennedy assassination, when I was 12, even though my siblings called me a nerd. My mother caught me reading “The Other Side of Midnight,” a racy Sidney Sheldon novel, at about the same age. It had dirty sex scenes in it and she lost her shit and ripped it from my hands when she discovered I was reading it. I probably just read it because it was there, although I do remember being titillated by the sex.

In any event, no one has been more surprised than me that I have stopped reading books. Once I moved stateside, I got completely immersed in news blogs and websites and that’s all I do all night — just sit on my laptop and read Politico, the New York Times, The Daily Beast, The Atlantic, etc. (more…)

In case you live under a polyester rock, you may not know that BCP faves, SkinnyBoneJones and The Dashing M (as she’s known round these here parts) pour their little lesbian hearts into making the fabulous beauty that is Fit For A Femme.  Well today they got some big time love from Autostraddle, <—-check it out.

Much love and mintsauce to you from us you fucking dykes!!

Don't stare at me, I haven't been caffeinated yet.

Yesterday I had a total geek out moment while watching the Discovery Channel.  I just love getting completely enthralled and amazed by some of the footage these Discovery people can put together, not to mention the mind blowing advances in photographic technology that allow these images to be captured.  But the really cool thing is that even amateur photographers can produce some pretty ‘wow’ images.  Click the bug above to see the rest of the gallery, taken by a guy who sneaks into the woods while the bugs are “sleeping” to photograph them as so.

It’s been a while since we did one of these, and I’m going out of town this weekend so this is all my lazy ass has time for anyway.

The Golden Age of Country – because I grew up in Texas and this is what I listened to while I figured out what kind of music I like.  This and classic rap are my perennial faves.  No matter what when I hear this stuff it makes me want to start a tailgate party out the back of my truck.  It also makes me horny and ready to drink and fight – go figure.

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Rockies – because along with wanting to party, scrap and fuck I also want my ass to look good and nothing makes your ass look finer than a tight pair of Rockies.  There are no pockets!!  And one cheek separating seam down the middle!!  They actually accomplish that ‘lift and separate’ thing that Spanx promise but don’t deliver!!  I mean, you have to learn how to pull up your zipper with a pair of pliers and get used to breathing through your eyes – but your ass will never look so good!  (I can’t find any good pictures of these online, I’ll have to look through my HIGH SCHOOL pics to find you an authentic representation).

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Super SPF Face/Baby Sunblock – I love the sun, it’s one of the reasons I left the Midwest for the west coast.  But you can’t play around with the sun in the desert, so every chance I get I slather myself in SPF 90 and lie naked in my backyard.  I’m 80% positive that my neighbor peeks at me from his upstairs window but I really don’t care – he’s the perv and it’s not my fault his wife has a handlebar mustache and four ass cheeks.

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Pre rolled cones – specifically RAW pre rolled cones.  It’s no secret that I am utterly hopeless at rolling a joint and I was using a handsfree vaporizer for a while but the air is so dry here that it actually irritates my throat to use it.  Smoking from a pipe is about the worst way to do it (save for using a bong) so I’ve always liked the pre rolled cones, usually found in Dutch smoke shops.  My bud BritneyCanadaWhore sent me some RAW papes one day and I really like the unbleached, vegan hippy aspect of them so it was a no brainer when I found the cones made of the same stuff.  They come in a pack of 3 which is really handy to travel with and each cone has a straw inside to tamp your bud down.  It’s so easy, you could pack a sticky fat tasty cone of Cantaloupe Haze in the back of a Nissan on the way up to Twin Peaks in San Francisco with the window down – tested and approved!

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Spicy Garlic Edamame – there’s a great sushi place right by my house that will quick fry up some garlic and chili at your request and toss it with freshly steamed edamame.  Fuckin’ yum.

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Shoe tree – it keeps shoes off the floor and out of my throwing hand.  ‘Nuff said.

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Ona gel – this is one of my secrets, this stuff is magical at controlling odor in your house.  If you’re like me, you want your place to smell clean and fresh and not like the trash can or the ashtray or that dude or the litter box or the corner where your hockey gear goes and insects seem to drop dead in midair.  But, you hate the cloying smell of candles, oil, room sprayers or really gross, potpourri (hork), not to mention the cost of replacing them all the goddamn time.  So, all you need is a jar of Ona Gel and you’re good to go.  This stuff just needs to be set in the area that stinks and the jelly-like crystals absorb stink and leave you with a neutral and clean smell.  Just open the jar or pour some in a dish and walk away, you’ll notice it working immediately and all you have to do is replace it when it dries up.

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Hemp cereal – this stuff is good and good for you.  Just be aware that sometimes the little grains look like fleas so I don’t advise eating when you’re fucked up or before you put your contacts in.

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Zen shooter – this is a cigarette stuffer, you load it with tobacco and stick an empty cig tube on the end and push.  You end up with your very own stuffed cig.  I don’t smoke tobacco so you can guess what I stuff my empty cigarette tubes with.  You’re welcome.

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Lather Licorice Root Eye Cream – I know we haven’t given you hookers any beauty posts for a while now, but you’re not getting one now either so that was a bad way to start, huh?  Anyway, I don’t have bags or dark circles under my eyes but I do have oily skin in an arid environment.  I need a heavy duty moisturizing eye cream that will vanish into my skin and not have my eyeliner sliding off my face like tread marks.  This stuff is semi-organic, affordable and does the job.

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Bulleit Bourbon – I surprise myself with this one because I haven’t really been a drinker for about 5 years now.  Hangovers were turning into 2 day affairs, a sure sign your ass is getting old and you need to stop thinking you are so cute anytime you have a vodka cranberry in your hand.  But!  A weekend in San Francisco with my favorite fancy dykes ended with me falling hard for the deliciousness that is Bulleit Bourbon.  We should do a favorite cocktails post, huh?  I know we’ll have lots of bourbon entries.

I know you can't tell, but this is Friday breakfast for me. There's bourbon in that mug.

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