Meat Locker


The Body Fortress Goliath to my standard hotsauce David.

Well, it’s finally happened.  My skinny, indie-band-guitarist-looking boyfriend has brought home a vitamin bottle full of powdered protein bigger than my head and announced his intention to Buff Up.  It’s been a while coming.  His best friend is a highlighted gym bunny, two of their good mates are professional football players with tree-trunk thighs, and another is elite Special Forces with a chest like the side of a barn and the alleged ability to maim with his big toe – not that any of this affects their collective smoking and drinking regime.  The rest of their boy gang are regular blokes with varying degrees of fitness, and Boyfriend has coasted comfortably as the Good-Looking and Sensitive One for years.  He’s got strong legs and more than held his own in the weekly five-a-side, but lost his niche a bit when he left everyone behind and relocated to London to move in with me.

I knew it would all change when we started partnering in hand-to-hand combat class and he discovered I could punch harder than him, as well as tote him across a gym in a fireman’s carry.  Actually, no, he likes these things about me, and since we found out I’m three pounds heavier, he will jokingly accuse me of throwing my weight around whenever I’m being bitchy.  Oh, the fun we have!  It just proves I could save him in a war zone or an emergency.  If I felt like it. (more…)

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When the UK Metro alerted me (via Jezebel) to this story about the evil clown on hire to parents in Switzerland to stalk their children for a week, I was not only intrigued, repulsed, and delighted, I immediately forwarded it to every child-hater I know. The service?

Dominic DeVille stalks young victims for a week, sending chilling texts, making prank phone calls and setting traps in letterboxes.  He posts notes warning children they are being watched, telling them they will be attacked.  But Deville is not an escaped lunatic or some demonic monster.  He is a birthday treat, hired by mum and dad, and the ‘attack’ involves being splatted in the face with a cake.

‘The child feels more and more that it is being pursued,’ said Deville.  ‘The clown’s one and only aim is to smash a cake into the face of his victim, when they least expect it, during the course of seven days.’

Horrific, cruel, hilarious, yes, yes, and yes.  Also, probably more appropriate for adults who are in on the joke, although I think it is sickly awesome that this exists at all.  But where do consenting adults go for Hot Clown Action, you ask!  (You did ask, right?).  My good friend Fozzy Bear immediately emailed with the answer.  Enter:  Sugar Weasel of Austin, Texas, who services the greater las Vegas area as well:

[T]he self-proclaimed Clown Escort is an adult entertainer, a world-class lover, a rogue and a scoundrel.  Interpreted, Sugar Weasel is a punk rock thrill ride that leaves you weak kneed and panting for more….  He possesses a singular vision to make the world a strangely erotic, more satisfying place for women.  His exotic go-go dance is like watching a roller coaster derail… (more…)

Heidi Fleiss couldn’t do it, but it seems the Shady Lady can. Last weekend it was announced that Nevada brothel, The Shady Lady Ranch, will be the first to offer the services of male prostitutes to it’s clientele. Christmas done come early, y’all!

AP via Las Vegas Sun

The owner of a brothel more than two hours’ drive from Las Vegas said she hopes to hire Nevada’s first legal male prostitutes within a month, now that state health officials have approved a method to test men for infectious diseases.

The world is ready for women, or even other men, to legally buy sex, said Shady Lady Ranch owner Bobbi Davis. Plus, being the first to offer male service could boost business in tough economic times, she said.

“With so many other male revues going on in Vegas, we thought it was time to give this a try,” Davis told The Associated Press.

Until now, men have been effectively barred from legally plying the world’s oldest profession in Nevada by the specificity of a state health law requiring prostitutes to undergo frequent cervical testing for sexually transmitted diseases.

The health board approved a regulation to allow urethral testing for men _ a crucial rule change by the state agency with ultimate power over whether prostitutes can or can’t work.

For more than 25 years, no licensed female prostitute in Nevada has contracted HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, said George Flint, a Reno wedding chapel owner and longtime lobbyist for the Nevada Brothel Owners Association.

“My concern is that we continue to maintain that kind of record,” he said.

Davis, Flint and Nye County Sheriff Tony DeMeo all acknowledged Friday that Davis still needs county approval to become the first of the state’s 24 legal brothels to offer a lineup of men.

“We’re going to look at it. We have some concerns,” said DeMeo, who serves as a voting member of both a county health commission and a board that oversees alcohol, gambling and brothel licenses.

“The ramifications of this are going to be statewide,” he said. “We’re going to have to deal with it at our other six brothels in Nye County if they want to offer the same service. We want to make sure we protect customers and make sure the industry is regulated with clarity and understanding.”

Prostitution has been legal in rural Nevada counties since 1971 under strict state health board oversight but is against the law in the Las Vegas and Reno areas.

Flint said he feared the idea of male prostitutes serving male clients could spur a legislative backlash. He said he works to make the brothel industry socially acceptable to both libertarians and conservatives.

“I think the Legislature is really going to give me some heartburn over this,” Flint said in a telephone interview after appearing before the state Health Board in Carson City on Friday to endorse the Shady Lady proposal.

“But I think it’s an inevitability,” he added, “and the brothel association has reluctantly agreed to support this as a test.”

Davis said she wants to add two men to the three women she currently has living and working at her compound of trailers off U.S. 95 about 150 miles northwest of Las Vegas.

She said the women usually charge about $300 per hour for the five to 20 customers who visit on any given night.

“We don’t know how to structure the men’s pricing yet,” Davis said. (more…)

Pay very close attention to what’s going on here — I love this guy — Happy Friday!

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BarcelonaFirehose

(From Dlisted)

I know how I should feel about Meredith Vieira’s sexual harrassment of a young, strapping Navy pilot who showed up on that-show-I-did-not know-still-existed, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.  I should feel unamused.  Dour.  Embarrassed.  Wet willies came up.  Eeeewwww. 

Instead, I thought it was kind of hilarious.  Vieira may be horny as she admits, but she ain’t old, and Max Shuman (which I originally heard as Nat Sherman, with my cigarette brain, which was doubly-exciting!) handles the attention with aplomb and playful modesty.  My reaction was more along the lines of, “Getchusome, Vieira!  And then pass me a piece of that action.”

Yeah, yeah, if the sexes were reversed, it would be unbelievably icky.  But I can’t get riled up about it, because Mr. Shuman seemed quite capable of taking care of himself and, honestly, I do enjoy a little reverse exploitation in good humor.  Feel free to disagree, or share your own appreciation for Max or Meredith (looking fine herself) in comments.

SHOWBIZ Craig 1Mmmmmm, I like it when men get objectified as sex objects.  Even better when it’s sex + food, behold!  Del Monte will be selling frozen purple Daniel Craig lollipops this summer, and somewhere Hugh Jackman is crying just a little bit.  How timely, since last night I finally got around to watching Quantum of Solace and it was so bad my VCR could have frozen and I wouldn’t have noticed.

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Tailfeather: we expect a first hand account on whether or not Daniel satisfies your thirst.

boners

Thanks to the always ingenious Best Week Ever for pointing us towards this wholly internet-worthy blog, Awkward Boners.  Probably because I don’t have a teenage son whose dignity I am concerned for, this has brought me a dickload of joy today.  Oh, Unwanted Boners.  Thank you for putting men on occasional, equally embarrasing and objectivized footing.  We ladyfolk feel this disconcertingly scrutinized nearly every day!

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