It’s been a while since we did one of these, and I’m going out of town this weekend so this is all my lazy ass has time for anyway.
The Golden Age of Country – because I grew up in Texas and this is what I listened to while I figured out what kind of music I like. This and classic rap are my perennial faves. No matter what when I hear this stuff it makes me want to start a tailgate party out the back of my truck. It also makes me horny and ready to drink and fight – go figure.
Rockies – because along with wanting to party, scrap and fuck I also want my ass to look good and nothing makes your ass look finer than a tight pair of Rockies. There are no pockets!! And one cheek separating seam down the middle!! They actually accomplish that ‘lift and separate’ thing that Spanx promise but don’t deliver!! I mean, you have to learn how to pull up your zipper with a pair of pliers and get used to breathing through your eyes – but your ass will never look so good! (I can’t find any good pictures of these online, I’ll have to look through my HIGH SCHOOL pics to find you an authentic representation).
Super SPF Face/Baby Sunblock – I love the sun, it’s one of the reasons I left the Midwest for the west coast. But you can’t play around with the sun in the desert, so every chance I get I slather myself in SPF 90 and lie naked in my backyard. I’m 80% positive that my neighbor peeks at me from his upstairs window but I really don’t care – he’s the perv and it’s not my fault his wife has a handlebar mustache and four ass cheeks.
Pre rolled cones – specifically RAW pre rolled cones. It’s no secret that I am utterly hopeless at rolling a joint and I was using a handsfree vaporizer for a while but the air is so dry here that it actually irritates my throat to use it. Smoking from a pipe is about the worst way to do it (save for using a bong) so I’ve always liked the pre rolled cones, usually found in Dutch smoke shops. My bud BritneyCanadaWhore sent me some RAW papes one day and I really like the unbleached, vegan hippy aspect of them so it was a no brainer when I found the cones made of the same stuff. They come in a pack of 3 which is really handy to travel with and each cone has a straw inside to tamp your bud down. It’s so easy, you could pack a sticky fat tasty cone of Cantaloupe Haze in the back of a Nissan on the way up to Twin Peaks in San Francisco with the window down – tested and approved!
Spicy Garlic Edamame – there’s a great sushi place right by my house that will quick fry up some garlic and chili at your request and toss it with freshly steamed edamame. Fuckin’ yum.
Shoe tree – it keeps shoes off the floor and out of my throwing hand. ‘Nuff said.
Ona gel – this is one of my secrets, this stuff is magical at controlling odor in your house. If you’re like me, you want your place to smell clean and fresh and not like the trash can or the ashtray or that dude or the litter box or the corner where your hockey gear goes and insects seem to drop dead in midair. But, you hate the cloying smell of candles, oil, room sprayers or really gross, potpourri (hork), not to mention the cost of replacing them all the goddamn time. So, all you need is a jar of Ona Gel and you’re good to go. This stuff just needs to be set in the area that stinks and the jelly-like crystals absorb stink and leave you with a neutral and clean smell. Just open the jar or pour some in a dish and walk away, you’ll notice it working immediately and all you have to do is replace it when it dries up.
Hemp cereal – this stuff is good and good for you. Just be aware that sometimes the little grains look like fleas so I don’t advise eating when you’re fucked up or before you put your contacts in.
Zen shooter – this is a cigarette stuffer, you load it with tobacco and stick an empty cig tube on the end and push. You end up with your very own stuffed cig. I don’t smoke tobacco so you can guess what I stuff my empty cigarette tubes with. You’re welcome.
Lather Licorice Root Eye Cream – I know we haven’t given you hookers any beauty posts for a while now, but you’re not getting one now either so that was a bad way to start, huh? Anyway, I don’t have bags or dark circles under my eyes but I do have oily skin in an arid environment. I need a heavy duty moisturizing eye cream that will vanish into my skin and not have my eyeliner sliding off my face like tread marks. This stuff is semi-organic, affordable and does the job.
Bulleit Bourbon – I surprise myself with this one because I haven’t really been a drinker for about 5 years now. Hangovers were turning into 2 day affairs, a sure sign your ass is getting old and you need to stop thinking you are so cute anytime you have a vodka cranberry in your hand. But! A weekend in San Francisco with my favorite fancy dykes ended with me falling hard for the deliciousness that is Bulleit Bourbon. We should do a favorite cocktails post, huh? I know we’ll have lots of bourbon entries.
I know you can't tell, but this is Friday breakfast for me. There's bourbon in that mug.
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