I live in Vegas now and one thing Vegas has a lot of is nudity.  I was reminded of this (as if one could forget) last night as I was sitting about 10 feet from the stage at a middle-of-the-pole strip joint.  The girls were alright looking, all had put some effort into hair and make-up and kept their skin looking fairly smooth (red lighting is your friend, girl) although I would say the ratio of Buttahfaces to Hotties was about 4 to 1.  There seemed to be a lot of the Tiger Woods Selection of strippers on deck last night, and the ones who didn’t make you want to put on your beer goggles all looked hella aggravated.  Lookit, it’s not easy to be up there all night, night after night, trying to look ‘exotic’ or ‘ravishing’, especially when you consider what working conditions the average stripper has to put up with.  So this is what I was thinking about as I waited; the ugly expressions so commonly found in strip clubs and the usual causes of them.  I reached back to my days in a thong and came up with Top 5 Complaints of a Stripper:

–  Losers that camp out in the front row and grease up the rail with their skeevy, sweaty hands while carefully parsing out 17 dollars in singles.  Wow.  Hey.  Careful.  Don’t hurt yourself putting that one dollar bill out there for the girl who’s been dancing 3 song sets all night.

– This one used to annoy me purely out of principal – strippers that hit the stage looking fine as hell until you get down to her feet and her toes are hanging on for dear life to those Bakers platform heels, looking like swollen shrimp cocktail.  Get those bear claws outta here, girl!

– So you get a lapdance from a stripper and sit back to enjoy the show.  You know you can’t touch her but you’re so convinced that what she secretly wants is for you to palm your grimy, ragged hands all over her ass so instead you think you’re slick and you slide your finger under the band of her thong and tug on it.  Then when she whips her head around to see what the fuck your retarded ass thinks you’re doing, you smile all stupid like and ask her, “You like that, huh?”  No, fucker.  She didn’t enjoy a band of elastic cutting her in half while you eyeballed her asshole – surprised?

– You know what’s creepy?  You calling a girl over to your table of 4 with no extra seating available and expecting her to perch on your knee while you bounce her up and down against your balls and try to play patty-cake on her tits with your face.  Either pay her for a dance or follow her back to VIP – she’s not a fucking accessory.

– Oh, you REALLY think you’re being crafty, don’t you?  You think you’re a fucking genius when you roll up to the club in commando mode, or wearing some silky shorts, figuring that when she grinds on you it’ll be just like her rubbing on you naked.  First of all, you ain’t slick, she knows exactly what your game is and secondly, you putting your tiny dick front and center sans padding only confirms what she already knew – you’re hung like Jon Gosselin and too cheap to pay for a booth.  Fuck off.

This concludes the community service portion of my probation (I’m lying).

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…of my love for Mel Gibson.  It’s true, well documented, been a fan for years.  I just saw this video clip of him doing an interview for his latest flick and getting prickly with the interviewer.  I know that bloggers are going to use this as just another reason to say he’s a dick, which is why I am posting it for my own reasons.  Seriously people, in the long running saga of celebrity missteps, Gibson’s transgressions pale compared to many.  Did he kill anyone?  No.  Did he beat anyone?  No.  Did he steal from anyone?  No.  He got drunk, got busted and got mouthy – these are daily lunchtime occurrences for some of today’s “stars”.

So, to Dean Richards from WGNtv I say, way to stay current by referencing some 4 year old shit and for that I would have called you an asshole too.  Moving on.

dirtyjobsSo, couple weeks ago I told you about some of the shitty/not so shitty jobs I’ve taken to make a dollar.  Each job was a brand new experience to me, but I knew going in they would all require a bit of grit and a lot of patience.  In short, I’ve never had a job that I expected to be easy.  Easy is fine for some things, but easy at work is boring, I prefer a challenge, something to keep me engaged and vested in the outcome.  I’ve hated plenty of my jobs, too, and none moreso than in Corporate America (can I get an ‘Amen‘?), but the only way a shitty job situation is going to change is if I change it myself, right?  Well, some of my changes were more interesting than others, after the jump:

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Hello my Hookers,

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I’ve missed you!  So Sorry for not posting, things have been hectic and new and exciting and unfamiliar.  The mister and I have just completed a move from the MidWest to the desert of Las Vegas and it was brutal.  We drove the whole way, it took forever, my ass almost fell off in the process.  Never again.  Additionally, the other Buttercups are finding their summer to be more stressful than carefree – Trixie is about to move, (again) Panda is still in work confinement (although her last smuggled letter tells us she maybe, possibly can see the light at the end of the tunnel), and Tailfeather has a touch of the piggy flu combined with a massive workload determined to kill her – she is fighting valiantly.

Nonetheless, we Buttercups believe in finding the brighter side of things, the lighter side, the side of the pillow not soaked in snot and tears and your good mascara.  Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke, right?

And so, today we are talking about the J-O-B.  For in these harsh, economic times everyone is worried about, hating, wishing for or hanging on to whatever job we can find.  But you know, when it comes right down to it, a job is a job is a job.  When you need to make rent, or put food in the fridge, or pay for school supplies, or get your car fixed, or pay medical bills, it’s time to do whatever it is that needs doing.

I’ve had some damn shitty jobs in my life, and I’ve had some fun ones.  Looking back on it though, I see how the shitty jobs have given me perspective, shown me that I could do things I didn’t think I could, and given me the confidence to know that, hey, if I can get through this, I can get through anything.  Bring it on.  After the jump, kadinsky’s illustrious employment history. (more…)