I have a confession to make, and it’s a sad one. I don’t really like my mother.
My mother was a WASP bride of the 1950s, a 1960s-70s-era housewife who missed out on the sexual revolution. Her idol was not Gloria Steinem, but Jackie Kennedy. And why? Because Jackie Kennedy had money, she was all about appearances and she knew her place as a wife and mother.
I’m pretty sure Jackie Kennedy wasn’t a miserable hag, however, to her children. My mother was. I can’t honestly ever remember her touching me physically, telling me she loved me or even that I looked good at any point in my life. And I had it pretty good — she hounded my older sister relentlessly to lose weight, resulting in lifelong issues with food, and she terrorized my brother because he was not John-John enough for her. In other words, he wasn’t quite as Adonis-like and he didn’t worship his mother. Because she nagged his ass constantly and called him awful names. And yet she could not figure out why her son had issues with her.
When the book about Joan Crawford being a horrible, appearance-obsessed shrew of a mother came out amid much fanfare in the late 1970s, my sister and I read it eagerly and soon started referring to our mother, openly, as Mommie Dearest. We had many, many of our own “No wire hangers!!” moments, involving belts, wooden spoons, etc. Much to our chagrin, my mother was a Joan Crawford fan and was tickled when we began calling her Mommie Dearest, which pissed us the fuck off. The point was to insult the woman; she took it as a compliment on her style sense and her “strong” personality.
In addition to the endless emotional, and at times physical, abuses she subjected us to, she was also an insane conservative who would only vote for the most right-wing candidates regardless of their platform. She was a racist anti-immigration type, and only trusted the so-called Progressive Conservatives to keep the “scum” out of Canada.
She is in her late 70s now, and has mellowed considerably — she’ll even vote for liberal candidates now, but only because she loves David Letterman so if she senses David Letterman is left-leaning, then she should be too. But she’s still a secret racist, once asking me, with disappointment and distaste in her voice, why my son’s best friend is Chinese. And she is still so utterly consumed with status, money and appearances that when I called her sobbing last year after my husband (who was from a pretty wealthy family) walked out on me, the first words out of her mouth were: “But I thought you were set for life!!” And then: “What am I supposed to tell the bridge club? How embarrassing!”
I have always been so envious of girlfriends who have sweet, loving, caring, nurturing mothers. It has always been the most alien thing to me. What must it be like to be able to bawl into your mother’s bosom, at any age, and have her comfort you when your life has gone to shit? I just can’t imagine it. Even my children, in their teens now, have come to understand that their Nanny — who was far, far nicer and more maternal towards them than she ever was to her own children — is a bit of a loon. My son, bless his heart, even screens her calls for me without me having to ask him, because he knows every conversation I have with her ends up making me feel bad about myself. She is a master of passive aggression and negativity; she rarely has a single nice thing to say about anyone, save for her favourite television personalities. She has told me 1,000 times how much she loves Letterman and Jon Stewart, and yet I have never heard her once express love for a single friend or relative in her real life.
I think my antipathy towards my mother — and my adoration of my father, who was her polar opposite — is the reason I often judge women more harshly than men, and that bugs me. I have a built-in instinct not to trust or like women; I suspect too often that they are cold, manipulative or somehow damaged. That’s why it has been so empowering to make so many new female friends over the last few months via Jezebel and with my ButtercupPunch co-bloggers. I still have lifelong, real-life girlfriends, but only about a half-dozen truly close ones. Now I have dozens more and they couldn’t have arrived at a more necessary time of my life.
SinRoo and I have discussed in detail our psycho mothers and the ways they managed to mess with our heads and our self-esteem. We’d love to hear your stories, so tell us all about it in the comments section! Did you have a good Mommy, or a bad Mommy?
ButtercupPunch - "La clique, c’est chic!" 
March 14, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I’m sorry, Trixibelle! I have a good mommy, but the worst dad possible (short of, you know, THAT kind of abuse. At least I don’t have that). So yeah, it balances out. So your distrust of women is mirrored by my dad-inspired fear and distrust of dudes.
Heavy.
March 14, 2008 at 6:40 pm
They’ll fuck you up, your Mom and Dad.
March 14, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Interesting that your mom was all up on Jackie- apparently, Jackie Kennedy was raised by a mother who always told her to lose weight, find a good man, and stop expecting any affection from her family.
My own mom is pretty cool, although she may be Donna Reed reincarnate. And sometimes gets the “you’re looking chubby” face on. She does, however, want to be superclose to me, as I am the only girl, and wants to have one of those relationships in which we call eachother every Sunday to chat for hours and have tea.
I want to sleep off my hangover on Sundays and then go find nachos, and give cagey answers to her questions about my life. (This apparently indicates that I’m still thirteen.)
March 14, 2008 at 6:54 pm
Oh Dear Trixie my motherly bosom is here for you. You too Sin Roo. I’ve got the comforting love thing down.
I have a great Mom, she is warm, loving, affectionate, funny and likes to have a good time. Her emotional IQ is off the charts. Although we definitely do not agree on so many things the bottom line is and always has been she loves and supports me, has always let me know when she thinks I am wrong and has always let me know that she is there for me regardless. No opportunity goes by that she doesn’t tell me how proud she is of me. She does do shit that pisses me off, but I have always pushed right back and I know I piss her off. I suppose it’s a push me pull me relationship at times. I gave her a run when I was a teenager that’s for sure. Now as an adult and a mother myself, I watch her with her grandchildren and I realize how lucky we were to have her as our mother. My family has suffered some real tremendous lows and losses and she has always stayed true to herself and her family. I strive to provide the love I grew up with.
As I watch her interact with the world I know just how amazing she is for her kindness, compassion and endless caring about others. Well into her seventies she still volunteers with the LAPD to respond to a crisis when needed, even in the middle of the night.
Now let me say that for most of my adult life she often greets me with lots of love, hugs and kisses and follows promptly with “would it kill you to put on some lipstick?”. She has done things that I feel undermines my authority with my children and I KNOW she sometimes dismisses my wishes once I drop the kids off. She is a product of her generation which is the same as your mother and she still has some stereotypes and racism lingering around that comes out sometimes, but none of these are ever done to be malicious. She’s not perfect and either am I.
Now my dad on the other hand….
March 14, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Blah, blah, blah…My comments in the future will be shorter and more concise…blah, blah, blah.
March 14, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Trixie love, I’m sorry. I know people with shrews like that for mothers and it’s truly a horrible thing to live with. But I think it says a lot about you that you’ve managed to break the cycle and be a good mother to your kids.
As for me, I was lucky enough to have a great mom. She was totally the nurturing, take care of her babies type and even though we bumped heads in a major way during my teen years, once I hit 18 we became friends. Sadly though, she died when I was 21. Not to be all Debbie Downer, but I miss her terribly.
March 14, 2008 at 7:39 pm
Aw, Trix. I can’t imagine what it must be like to deal with that growing up. But I like to think that people with not-so-stellar mothers then turn into mothers who are a bit more aware of how to show love to their children…and it also helps to recognize, as others have said, that mothers are fallible too.
I sometimes hate talking about my family, because they’re genuinely so amazing. My mom…I cry thinking about her sometimes, she’s that incredible. She herself had a difficult childhood – her parents divorced when she was a baby and hated each other, and then she dealt with a terrible, mean stepmom (who, ironically, my mom now cares for, since my grandfather passed and had no other children). And she turned that experience into determination to be a good mom. She and my dad have a happy marriage, and even though we were not well off as kids, they gave us everything they could. She has four kids, and we all speak to her every day. I hope to be even half the mom she is someday.
March 14, 2008 at 7:45 pm
From all accounts, I had a great mom, but she died 12 days before my 5th birthday and I don’t remember her at all.
I do remember, though, the miserable cunt my father married not 3 years later. She was the queen of the hypocrites, acted as if it was her job to make my life a living hell, and doted on her 3 idiot sons as if their shit was made of gold. She once told me, when I refused to clean the bathroom that I shared with her 3 pig bastard sons, that they would never have to clean it because that was “women’s work”. She would never reprimand her kids for calling me a bitch and various other names that weren’t fit for pre-teen ears. Her oldest son once told me, when I was about 10, that I didn’t have a mother because I didn’t deserve one, and his mother would NEVER be my mother. Well, he was right about that last part, anyway. She was basically cool with all of the psychological and emotional torture her sons heaped on me for the approximately 11 years I lived with them.
I thought we were mercifully through with her when my dad died. But nooooo. 1-2 years later, she showed up at my brother’s house on Christmas with her new boyfriend! Then when my aunt, who was very close to my late father, died a couple years later and the step-monster was in charge of the funeral plans, she had the funeral home delay the funeral for 10 days so she could go on vacation to Florida. Then she brought her new husband to my other aunt’s 90th birthday party, and had him stand in family photos with the rest of my actual family.
I guess my dad thought he was doing right by us when he remarried, but sometimes I think that we would have been better off with just him.
Wow, how’s that for a downer of a first comment, eh? Sorry! I promise to be absolutely hilarious in future comments.
March 14, 2008 at 8:37 pm
i don’t understand how people adore their mothers and are bffs with them. maybe it’s just because i lived with a mother who obviously suffered from serious emotional problems… she would be super nicey nice one day, and dragging me out of bed at 3am to yell at me about how awful my father was, and how i was going to grow up to be “an asshole just like him” the next. i spent junior high and high school tiptoeing on eggshells because i never knew what would set her off. super uplifting. and by the way, that picture is brilliant and could not be more perfect…
March 14, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Pickles — never fear your comments being too long! We love it!
These are all great stories. I envy some of you, pity others. Poor AmazonRedhead! That’s brutal!!
Wigglepuppy: When my father finally got up the balls to ask for a divorce, my mother pretty much went nuts for five years. I frequently heard her bragging drunkenly to friends about how she was going to kill him. Fun!!
March 15, 2008 at 1:26 am
I have-well, a flawed mother. I love my mom now, I really do. But from the time when I was 4 years old to when I was about 14, she was a alcoholic descending to and finally hitting bottom. I mean, really hitting bottom hard. Helped break up my parent’s marrage, made her totally unavailable and unreliable to traumatic effect. No food, a temperamental monster when she was hungover or too drunk, which was often. I mean, really, it was neglect the whole half of the time I was at my mother’s house. It was really bad. After she had her kids taken away, she sobered up. I was really, really angry with her for a long time.
Only in the last few years, after I went to college, have I really built up a good relationship with my mother. She’ll never be perfect; she often drives me nuts. But even when she was hitting the pit of alcoholism, I knew she loved me unconditionally. I’m grateful for that, even if I sometimes resent that I didn’t have a mother I could depend on growing up, that too often I was the parent. My mother now is totally unconditionally accepting and great; I’m really grateful for her and I love her a lot. But I know what it’s like to feel that mommy-lust.
March 15, 2008 at 2:05 am
I never had any doubt that my mother loved my sister and me. And I know that she stayed in an unhappy marriage for our benefit.
However, for years and years I harbored a lot of resentment at her for NOT taking us and leaving. I endured both physical and emotional abuse from my father than continues to haunt me to this day.
I know she did the best she could, though, and I have forgiven her.
I love my mother (despite the fact that she is batshit crazy) and I love spending time with her, but she is not my best friend. She is my mother.
During the big trauma breakup years ago, I was only able to survive because my mother listened to me, comforted me, and supported me. I would never have been able to pull it back together without her.
So, good on ya, Mary Jane. Such as.
March 15, 2008 at 2:41 am
Oh, Trix (and the rest of you all who have expressed your problems/frustrations with mom), I’m really sorry.
My mom and I aren’t super close. She’s not a bad person, not mean to me, but she is very cutting and lacks a certain degree of tact. She is also not terribly motherly. I doubt we’ve hugged since I was 8 or 9. I think of her more as a friend, not a very close friend, but someone I enjoy talking to occasionally. However, we only talk about superficial things. I never confide in my mother about anything. It also should be mentioned that she is estranged from her parents (for marrying a black man), which has made the entire family dynamic very strained for years. I support her, but I never know what is truly going on with her. We really have nothing in common, but she and my brother are very alike and get along very well. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. My dad and I to this day go out and have drinks together once a week. Again, we’re a very emotionally closed-off family, and so we aren’t good at expressing love or affection, but my dad and I are better at enjoying each other’s company than my mom and I are.
March 15, 2008 at 3:35 am
My mamabear is the greatest in the world. She may only be 5 foot, but she has a heart big enough to wrap you all up in. She’s also an awesome cook and the strongest woman I know. My papabear is one of my best friends. I fucking hit jackpot with my folks.
The weird thing is, both of them had crazyass parents.
August 19, 2009 at 12:19 am
Edie – I love your comments – made me hope that my sons will think of me as a TOP mum even tho my ma was maternally impaired. We will never know I guess.
April 2, 2014 at 3:09 am
wow… that is so cute :)… so happy for you
March 15, 2008 at 6:04 am
Aww Trixie, I’m sorry. But you do sound like an awesome mom yourself. I hate the emotional manipulators.
And Bangie, yours and other posts make me want to cry. Maybe I shouldn’t be listening to “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley now, cause that song can also make me cry….but my mom stayed in a bad marriage for 20 years. I don’t think it was necessarily “for the kids,” but she’d already been divorced once, and, god I was so glad when she left. I remember the few days before, when we knew we were leaving (bro was off at college by then) and we were so nervous and it was so damn weird. But damn, I’m proud that she did it. I had to reassure her, yes, we do need to leave. Yes, we do. And we did, and god I’m gonna cry now. I went off to school that day, and she and a friend from high school moved our stuff out, including our dogs that my dad had abused. Then she picked me up at lunch, and we hugged each other in the U-Haul. Then for a while it was all back and forth-are they divorcing or not? My dad was trying to woo her back and I HATED IT. Then finally she decided she was done with him, and six months after she left, they were divorced.
Anyway, I was 16 then, and we’d left once before when I was 10, but came back because my dad got counseling. Which could be my own rant-don’t stay with an arsehole because they “get help.” Good for them, but 9 times out of 10 you still need to stay the fuck away from their sorry ass.
While my mom got the worst of it, and it was mostly mental stuff, emotional, verbal abuse, etc; there were a few physical incidents. he didn’t like the dogs at all. More than anything now, that makes me angry. My dad and I have a better relationship than ever, but sometimes I will think of what he did to those poor dogs and just can’t deal. He fucked up my brother too, although he never hit him or anything, they had a few loud and angry arguments. And he and my brother still don’t have a great relationship-it’s not terrible, but not great either. I feel like he’s punishing my brother for dropping out of college (he went one semester) and living at home. Meanwhile I’m the “good” child now. Sigh. Sorry this is so long, especially for a first post, but I really like the blog. It’s the shiznit. A lot more fun than being raped by a unicorn.
March 15, 2008 at 7:45 am
My mom is a great mom. She drives me nuts but she is amazing. She is a mid fifties Mexican and one of those neat freak perfectionalists. I…am not. So it killed her when she flew in to see me last week and my house (we moved all our stuff in 2 days before she got there) and nothing was in order. She berades me for not being as clean as her, for being in my pajamas all day, for not “cleaning up” to look nice for my husband when he comes home for lunch. She simply cant handle that Dave, my hubby, does housework and cooks for me sometimes.
But when we need her she is there. She loves me and Dave and esp my son so much. She would do anything for us. But we fight like cats and dogs sometimes. Ever since my dad died 4 years ago my brother and i tried to not fight with her so much. She was depressed after my father passed. But she makes it hard. You can only take so much nagging.
Some days she is my worst enemy, some days she is my best friend. She is always a great mom.
March 15, 2008 at 7:45 am
Fuck sorry that was all Hallmark sounding and ridiculously long.
March 16, 2008 at 9:35 pm
I didn’t realize how lucky I am with my mum until I was a bit older. Although she is completely kookoo, too…
Trixi, I’ll share my mum with you.
March 17, 2008 at 11:53 am
Yahoo!! Tanya’s here!!!
I love your mother and I want her badly!
March 29, 2008 at 9:40 am
It feels good to hear these stories…I too love my mother because she’s my mother, but she is always nagging, and criticising me, for my hair, my house not being clean enough, telling me I am not organised, saying I look horrible and should not go out in public that way, etc.. etc..(strange other people tell me everyday I am pretty, smart, and good person..)But she helps out a lot, with my baby, she cares for her when I go to work ( I have no choice, I can’t afford private daycare on a single income) I know she cares for my daughter very much and is more loving with her than she ever was with me (although I don’t always approve of things she tells my daughter, like don’t make a mess, or don’t scream that’s not nice…but my daughter, 2 yrs is fantastic, she is very opiniated and strong headed, and I love her like that). I don’t ever remember getting a hug, or compliment form my Mother, just negative, negative, negative..She drains me, I want to run away far from her. (I did live very far from her for 17 years, but after the birth of my daughter, needed help, so I returned to my hometown…very difficult, but I realy needed and appreciate the help, just whish she could be accepting of me, and loving and stop nagging). Anyways, it does feels amazing to juts “blab” about all without feeling guilt…I can’t talk to anyone about this, about the pain I feel inside everytime she opens her mouth. I understand she didn’t have a mother herself, and had a very severe upbringing and all, and the generation and all….and that she really loves me in her way, but is just unable to express it. I also know that she often feels guilty, and crys in private when she realises she hurts me. The adult in me is understanding and tries to not get affected by her, but the little girl in me is still very hurt and is desperately seeking for her approval, love and unconditional love…I have to let go of that idea, I don’t think it will ever come…that being said, I am all the opposite with my daughter. I listen to her, hug her kiss her, give endless compliments all the time, encourage her etc…I don’t want her to miss out on motherly love. Sometimes I sense that my mother thinks it’s too much; actually, she tells me it’s too much, saying “you’r spoilling her etc..”I have told her to back off with that, that she is my daughter and I will raise her the way I know is best. I don’t want to hurt my mother, but ^^%%$$#$%**&( she really drives me crazy….thank you for this blog, I feel better now!
March 29, 2008 at 10:28 am
Wow, that sounds SO familiar. Exactly how my mother is. And it drives me crazy because I have pretty much raised two kids on my own, have a nice house, a good job, get told all the time that I am attractive and smart and funny — I hear quite the opposite from her, and have for most of my life. Always criticizes my housekeeping while other people always marvel at how tidy my house is. The hair is never the way she likes it. Yada yada yada.
I had to really separate myself from my mother for my own sanity. Once you get to a point where you don’t need her for child-care help, I really recommend you try to do the same. Not only is it beneficial to you, but the nasty old bat will actually learn a lesson about her behaviour, and may actually be spurred into changing. It’s worked a bit with my mother, as long as I keep her at arms’ length. If I give her an inch, she’ll take a mile.
March 30, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Wow, you make me laugh… it’s terrible that I am laughing at this…LOLOL.
Feels fantastic, to hear someone who knows EXACTLY what it’s like….
She was actually sweet with me today, my Mom..She’s like that sometimes, when she feels that I close up, or distance myself, she becomes like honey. And you’re right, I might eventually move far away someday, in a couple of years, it all depends…If things don’t change, I will have to go.
Thanks Trixie from TO.
May 9, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Thank you so much for these comments. I too, struggled with feelings of resentment, anger and indifference toward my mother. It feels so comforting to read about others who have gone through a similar ordeal. I still feel guilty about these feelings, like it is my fault that I feel this way.
My mother is not always in good contact with reality. She views herself as a great person and martyr. However, in reality she has been cold, distanced and not there for me when I needed. She has called me names, physically hit me, and said that I made her do it. This makes it impossible to have a real relationship! I have tried in the past, but have not succeeded. At this point, I don’t wish to have a relationship any longer with her.
July 21, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I think we may have the same mother!? Do we know each other? I too have a distrust of women, but never linked it with my relationship with my mom….very interesting indeed, totally makes sense to me.
March 13, 2009 at 12:44 pm
I feel the same way as you, Trixie and Jessica, and never made that connection re: distrusting women and mom issues either.
I’m going to be a mom soon myself (in 5 months) and I find that as I think more about parenthood, the more resentful I become of my mother (and father).
My mother frustrates me with how small her world is and always has been–with all her ridiculous worries and fears. And she drives me crazy with her obsession with how much everything costs. At my wedding last year, she was meeting my husband and in-laws for the first time and every question was about how much something was. Thankfully, she asked it in a different language so no one else understood, but it was just so embarrassing. She just comes across as so weak- and small-minded.
I think I simply don’t understand or like my mother very much. Aside from not being very nurturing (with physical contact or emotional support), she also was never a very interesting or interested person—aside from gossiping with friends on the telephone or watching soap operas and nighttime dramas on TV. The main image I have of her is lying down on the couch, complaining about having a headache or a backache or a leg ache, while zoning out in front of the TV. Even now when I call, if her TV program’s on, she has to get off the phone in a couple of minutes.
At 63 years old, she complains daily about how “old”‘ she is. But then again, she’s been complaining about that for a decade now. The woman can’t even learn how to use the internet or email. I can’t imagine how she’s going to live for another decade or so with this kind of mentality.
I dread becoming like her, though I know I’ve created my life entirely differently. I wish as I get closer to motherhood myself that I could get past these resentments, but oddly, they seem to be increasing.
April 2, 2009 at 3:50 pm
mother? My ex-mother in law and I are so close, I love and cherish her and all she means to me and my children. Sally, the lady who gave birth to me on the other hand is an evil, manipulative, spitful lonely lady who hates ALL animals especially homosapiens. And guess who’s on the top of her list? Me! She once told me that “you can only love your child if you loved the parent!” then she continued to explain how deeply she loved her other daughters father. She has five children and has contact with none. I’m learning now that all she has told me were lies and that I am also learning how nice life is now that I have given up on trying to have a relationship with her and leaving her out of my life completly has also helped me heal the little girl inside who just wanted to be loved and liked. My ex-mother in law has given me all I need and I still introduce her with pride as my mom.
June 6, 2009 at 10:59 am
thank you for writing this. ive always thought i was evil or that something was wrong with me because i don’t like my mother. don’t get me wrong, i respect her for giving birth to me and would be devastated if anything ever happened to her, but to this day, my mother makes me feel guilty about how i treat her or talk to her, even when i’m not even saying anything!
she does not respect me as an adult, which is painful because i am ready to move past the turbulent relationship we had when i was a child. it’s coming to the point where i loathe her. i do. i mean that with my whole heart (i’m actually tearing up typing this) and i can never get rid of her…and i HATE myself for hating my mother. everything i do and everything i am, she feels she is entitled to. she feasts on my emotions, hopes, and dreams and turns them into her own. doesn’t even matter if it is positive or negative. the way i feel is beyond resentment. i feel i am being punished by God for having a mother that does not love me, but uses me as an emotional electrical socket, while she tells everyone else all the huge and wonderful expectations she has for me, which are really disguises for contempt and doubt that i can do anything for myself and that my only role is to be her servant, since i owe her my life and all. it’s as if she is always setting me up for failure by creating impossible standards for me. almost every time i speak to a member of my family, i have to tell them that my mother is a liar or that i never moved to new york city or that i’m not on my way to being an actress. i cant talk to her about anything in my head without her either doing it herself, getting offended, using my drive to accomplish her own goals, or putting my goals aside completely in order to be her assistant at SOMETHING. do you know how painful it is to have to tell people your mother is a liar? it’s like, tell the truth to protect your own integrity or tell a lie to protect your mother. she puts me in that position constantly and claims not to understand why she makes me so uncomfortable or why i’m so resistant to her. she claims not to understand the emotional stress that is always under my skin. i am finally able to pinpoint what it is about my mother that separates me from her. i can’t tell her anything. i cannot speak to my mother and share my thoughts because she is all up on me. my every word, my tone of voice. she can’t be supportive without being involved. everything is in offense or confirmation of her, and it leaves me feeling invisible and useless to myself and others. she only cares for herself and only views me as an extension of her. she has no idea who i am. how can she be my mother if she doesnt know me?
June 20, 2009 at 1:14 pm
One would have to be an imbecile at best and rubber room detainee to think for a moment that mom “missed out on the sexual revolution.” That is the most preposterous, over-rated and destructive period in our nations history. And here you are, with the attitude of someone who is so much more enlighted simply because she decided to suck cocks and get laid in middle school rather than high school. Mom – and all woman in the 50’s had their acts together regarding sex. They kept it quiet and decent until they were out of their panties and into their sexy lingerie. There was grace and elegance about your mothers era – and this is her attraction to Jackie – Jackie Kennedy was very graceful and elegant – You? You get the Hilton twins, you get this most onerous and unsightly trend of shaving your pussy and to top all this off, you get the sick examples set by basket case Brittany Spears and the opposite of graceful and elegant – Michele obahmah -oh yuk! Thats what you have as your substance relative to your mother who has it way over you! You need your MOM! An offspring is always expected to make achievements that their parents could not – but their level of expertise and experiences far and away outweigh the life experiences of one who questions experience over youth and shuts down believing that rebellion is an option. When your Mom is old and gone you will say “Gosh I wish Mom was here, she always knew what to do” Parents dont fuck their kids up – the media and the crap that is so much more attractive to youth over serious life lessons learned the hard way is what fucks kids up – You sugar, will go on to commit the very same mistakes your parents did. Then when you have it all down – you’ll be in your mid-60’s or older. She doesnt know you? Do you know her or your self absorbed opinion of her? Want to reveal yourself to her? Then ask her out for a coffee date- Tell her you would like to share some of the things you like and aspire to be or do with her. IT takes two people missy!
If not then prepare for “I wish Dad was here I wish Mom was here” You Mark My WOrds!!! And stop being a whining little snot!
June 20, 2009 at 6:36 pm
You’re insane. Fuck off. Thanks.
June 21, 2009 at 12:23 am
I did enjoy the rather performance art-ish dissonance of complimenting Jackie Kennedy’s grace and elegance while using the terms cock, pussy, and insulting the current First Lady (I don’t get the whacked out spelling as an insult, though- obahmah?) Although, I will try to re-use the phrase “You Mark My WOrds!!!” It has a certain, je ne c’est-I’m-going-to-skin-you-alive-and-wear-you-as-a-bonnet quality.
P.S. I came here via Crazy Random Happenstance.
June 21, 2009 at 9:03 am
ha! even better.
June 21, 2009 at 9:17 am
Ha! I shouldn’t have got so hot under the collar but I reread the post and you’re actually telling someone whose mother was physically and emotionally abusive to three children that it’s their fault and I am selfish for complaining?
What the fuck?
It was really quite a spectacularly and hilariously insane comment, however. If my mother didn’t believe the Internet was “evil,” I would think it was her.
June 21, 2009 at 2:07 pm
Never let an abuser frame the question! You are not a bad person or a poor daughter. You are simply having a normal and healthy emotional reaction to having a horrible person as a mother. And the childhood she gifted you. I think bad family is one of the worst things because it is hard to summon the energy & emotional distance to just cut them off and feel comfortable with the decision.
June 20, 2009 at 5:34 pm
oh god I thought I was the only one who didn’t like her mother! Thanks so much for writing this, I felt so guilty and alone! as for my mother, she goes under bad Mommy. She’s not an evil person or anything, she has just done a rather crap job of being a mom. Very emotionally manipulative, aggressive, controlling, shaming, etc. Actively compares me and my sister to each other and pressures me relentlessly to “not turn out like your sister”. GAH.
July 16, 2009 at 10:17 pm
isonomer- my mother in better words than I could have possibly expressed myself. My mother and older sister argued intensely through her teen years and I, being a bit more outspoken and vivacious than my sister, clashed even worse. In her eyes we were arrogant brats, becoming increasingly self absorbed and selfish (me more so). I did feel guilty for a while, but have realised that it wasn’t arrogance or selfishness at all (most of the time). We were just gaining a sense of independence outside of mothers opinions, ideals, knowledge and approaches. We were *gasp* growing and changing as people-what any parent would want, right? And that is what is so incompatible with her controlling narrow minded nature. It is very hard to maintain a healthy relationship with her unless your into emotional masochism, because to her anything that is different to what shes familiar with that you represent makes you liable for persecution. It’s sad, but for all that she’s done for me I could honestly say that overall her presence in my life is more of negative than a positive at the moment. My sister is 21-she lives at home but barely speaks to my mother. Me-I’m moving out very soon and not looking back. I’m weary of always feeling like a criminal.
August 19, 2009 at 12:07 am
Thank you for your story – it made me feel less evil. I struggle with my horrid feelings towards my mother but the guilt is draining. I have to build up the strength to pick up the phone and now that she is sick and 82 years old I feel obliged to call her 2/3 times a week – my main argument is that she calls me 2/3 times a year and refuses to spend Xmas with my sister or myself. I found out this year (I”m 52) that i have a brother and sister i did not know about and mum has kept that a secret my whole life. They are from my late dad’s previous marriage but she has denied me even more members of a family i would have cherished. dad died when i was 6.
thanks again for your story. Sue xx
September 12, 2009 at 1:54 pm
How possibly can one be so stupid and selfish (plus obviously a round heels slut) to hate her own mother simply because of the era she was born into? The fucking womans movement was not even an idea when yoor Moms was dealing with life and making a go of things. The very premise of your not liking your mother is your foundation – not hers! You can change that and you can or could have closed the gap. Sick ass liberals always love to play the victim and blame someone for their sickassed pathetic and useless lives. Its no wonder you become Democrats and Progressives – two sack of shit groups who love to thrive on those weaknesses to further their careers and causes – and you help them!!! Funny, you cannot help yourselves but you enable a fucked Congress like the 109th, 110th and 111th Congress plus elect a sick, worthless homo sack of crap dimwit Kenyan into president to impose even further depressing woes and weave those into existing pathetic lives. WEll maybe, just maybe, maybe Mommy sucked cock like it grew on trees and loved to have every orifice filled with steaming hard dick in the darkness of her car in the 1950’s Drive In theater and didnt wear any panties under her petticoats and skirts so she could shoot a hairy beaver at the waiter when you your Dad and she went out to a restaurant! Maybe she did you little shit – what the hell would you know?
October 6, 2009 at 9:27 am
I know you are a knee jerk wack job psycho, how about that?
October 6, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Holy shit.
Cuckoo … cuckoo … cuckoo …
September 22, 2012 at 10:37 pm
hot damn, that ws awesome. I was about to pop popcorn, except that I am autistic and am no longer eating things that FUCK MY BRAIN UP. wow, talk about a poor me psycho. we should feel sorry for these people. ;( they’re so sick and sad. I wish I could move out of my parents house… I am 28, and they call ME the narcissist/borderline, like they’e god you know? eek. I was always afraid to spend time with my mother because I was upset by her strange behaviour. now I know why, i think. BPD, or worse. she loves me, but I worry that her loving behaviours are dictated by her BPD. hence my continuing mistrust of her. how dare these poepl come on here and say that we desrve it? god those poor people, all of them. To this day, i wonder… if the child psychiatrist/psychologist? theytook me to to see if I had ADHD ( the only thing they would admit to my having at the time) told me correctly when she said whatever it was that made me realize I couldn’t trustmy mother. I hope she was helping me and not ruining my relationship wiht my mother on false pretense. I literally cannot parse this, no matter WHat angle I look at it from. maybe i just need to find a way to move out? I wory that she will take my intellectual propertythough, becaue THey bought me my flash drive. ;( they said they owuldn;t let me keep mydoggy or kitty if I moved out, either. ;( becuase THEy own them. ;(((((((( my poor babies they won’t understand! not that I’m that great , because I am to oemtionally distant becuase of my adhd and asperger’s, but geez. WHAT GIVES?
I hear you guys. I’m here for ya. in spirit, anyway. socilaizing exhausts me, literally puts me in bed.
October 6, 2009 at 7:23 am
Well my mother is not superficial or narrowminded but she has many issues and complexs about herself. She has been depressed for a long period of her, and she is extremely egocentric. In my life I always felt that I was the mother and she was the child. Now I am 31 years old and the problem is that I think I don’t like her anymore, to the point where she would ask me a simple question and I answer in a bad way. Resulting in me feeling guilty and her having a long face for 3 days untill she finds the opportunity to through back at me the bad behavior. I had to see that long, horrible, depressed face of hers for so long that I can’t stand even a second of it. she really does not understand me at all, when I am sad, stressed many times because of her, it is ALWAYS about her.
November 4, 2009 at 6:26 pm
I could co-write the book on shitty parents with you! My mother is the undisputed Queen of emotional blackmail and putting herself on the cross, while my dad was a temperamental son of a bitch until we were adults (then it didn’t play so well for him). My dad is gone but had a humbling last couple years of his life, so he is forgiven. My mom on the other hand…. continues with the “you were so spoiled, I was a great mom, you kids are ungrateful, poor uniquely tortured me” routine. Wonderful story, thank you for sharing!
February 27, 2010 at 7:37 pm
We love to shag some black bitches from the UK!
June 9, 2010 at 2:40 pm
I too have a cold mother. i know what it is like to long to have a mother who would just let me me talk about myself without thinking it is about her. co-dependence! she also talks about my sisters and me to each-other causing all sorts of anger that she than says, “my only wish is that you would all get along.”
I am at the point where i don’t want to talk to her anymore and that hurts too, because i feel lonely. Ahhhh…??? some people are better not being in your lives.
August 22, 2010 at 5:08 am
I don’t know what to say. I just dont like my mom. I cant remember one realy feel-good moment with her.
My mother had a hard time with life. She always took everything so heavy. She’s probably been frustrated and stressed always.I grew up during the 70’s and 80’s and there was this thing of a ‘free-upbringing’. I think that was very convenient for her since she didnt have a clue how to raise us.
My parents got divorced 20 years ago, thank god, it was hell at home. But her frustrations stayed. She also had a very difficult relationship with her father by the way, who at some point in his life turned religious and tried to convert everybody all the time.
During the first years we kids were left pretty much on our own. My dad had moved out and I didnt see or talk to him for a year. My mum was unable to take care of anybody but herself. Then she found a boyfriend, he didnt live in the country. She would go to him a couple of times a year for several weeks, leaving my sister and me by ourselves. We were young teenagers then. My brother would go to my dad. In the meantime she would use us as friends, talking about sex and stuff, and she would get mad if we didnt want to listen or got upset. And she would try occasionally to give us an upbringing but we didnt want any anymore. Why listen to somebody who has a screwed up life and who half the time didnt look like she cared? So we had big fights. And afterward she would try to make things better saying she loved us and she was crying crying. We always felt she cried more of self pity then of some type of remorse. She was always wondering why we never wanted to tell her about ourselves, but why would we? It never looked like she was actually listening. Plus one day she was all nice and another day she had a bad temper and another she was absent minded. Unreliable and unstable. Over the years she got a bit quiet, and I set my boundaries and there were periods that things were a bit better. But she also over the years started to become a hypochondriac. She always had pains and aches and she was always tired. And by now I think so figured that she has a bit 3 or 4 different types of diseases or ailments or whatever and we all probably have it to, because its all genetical. Now she’s trying to convert everybody to her ideas. We just all think it’s stress and frustrations but she never listens to anybody. And of course it is a great way to not look at her real problems and put a lot of attention to herself. She has always felt very sorry for herself. She is always trying to be good and helpful but she’s always overdoing it, always too pushy. And if you dont want her help she gets upset. I have figured out life myself and it more or less all works out pretty well. I always feel I am beyond her advice. I dont want too much contact with her, I find talking to her too upsetting. I would like once a while to have a conversation about almost nothing with her. But she always looking for problems, mine or hers. She always on some quest to figure out why now this is hurting or why this medicine is not helping or how to get such and such doctor to listen to her. I am fed up. She is over eager to please everybody else. And she is pushy. She called the other day and started to complain about that I dont call her back right away. I explained, again, why and then she started to cry. She felt I found her annoying. I didnt say anything. I eventually told her I was hanging up because I was on the street. But she did it, she made me feel guilty. I am so fed up. I dont hate her, I just dont like her. I have my own life to worry about, I dont want to tell her about it, I dont want to hear about her miserable life. I need to be possitive.
Because of everything, and partially because of my own personality probably, I also dont realy trust women. And because of this I dont have any real friends. I feel overcrowded very easily and have the feeling they are all so demanding my attention and devotion and that scares me.
So there’s more or less my story. I could probably write a book about it. And I feel I still havent even figured out a lot of it …but what to do with mother?
September 4, 2010 at 1:17 pm
I don’t like my mother either and is really disturbs me, people don’t understand what it’s like not to like your own mother, you feel an evil bad person. That’s the reason I am in this site My mother is unbalanced and has abused me phycholigucally many times. Of course she does not realize she always thinks she is the victim. Anyway my question is: I should respect my mother even though she does not respect me? Do I owe her just because she gave birth to me?
June 15, 2011 at 4:11 pm
i think you should. i feel the need to respect her because she is my mother, much as i dont like her one bit. it leaves you as the better person of the two when you terat her with respect though she does not do the same.#thats just what i think.
April 20, 2011 at 12:35 pm
I just got off of the phone with my mother and as usual I am sad. She has never been able to show love for me and has nothing but venom to unleash on the world. She has three female children, but has only had one daughter she could love. Unfortunately the sister she cares about is every bit as venomous and judgemental as she is. The oldest girl is dying of brain cancer (she mothered me in my Mom’s stead) and does not want any contact with her mother. She says she wishes her no harm, but does not need to be near her.
If you take the first posting and ditto that, you have my mother. Just add more bitterness, self-worship, materialism, lies, and self delusion. She hates children and moved away from all of us to avoid having to have grandchildren around. The worst part is her version of Christianity. She has the rules down, but not the love. I can barely tolerate having conversations with her because of the sactimonious carping and hypocrisy. I honor her because I must. When she is gone I will miss only the lost unfulfilled dream of a mother’s love
May 5, 2011 at 11:06 am
I got here via Google. I’m trying to understand my daughter’s POV. She is my only girl, and we haven’t been close since adolescence hit at age 11, well the really bad part started at about 14 or 15 and it’s been downhill ever since (she’s 20 now). She’s a great girl, gets along with everyone except me, she basically can’t stand to be in the same room with me for any length of time (and we live in the same house!) My son gets along fine with me, btw…he’s 19.
I don’t ask questions, I don’t give advice anymore – that would cause a tremendous blow-up, so I’m just holding my breath until she moves out or consents to communicate – MY door is, and always has been, open – I must say, though, I feel tremendously heartbroken about this.
May 22, 2011 at 3:21 pm
MariJoy, please talk to a counselor about this. As far as we readers are concerned, your problem (or hers?)could be attributed a myriad of different possibilities. The fact that it has gone on so long and that you are heartbroken tells me it’s serious.
…But have you ever asked her openly why she doesn’t seem to like you, and listened with an equally open heart to the answer? Or was that something that caused a blow-up? Keep in mind, she may not even fully understand why she feels this way!
May 22, 2011 at 10:39 pm
Yes I have asked her, and she denies what I am feeling to be valid :( I do think she is more like her dad, in that she does not show her emotions openly, whereas I wear mine on my sleeve, so to speak – I can tell I overwhelm her sometimes. Things have calmed down a lot since I decided to only communicate the essential, “neutral” stuff (ie “have you seen the TV remote? I see the weather forecast calls for rain tonight” etc) Kinda sad but it keeps peace in our house all around. Thanks you for your response, I do appreciate it.
June 5, 2011 at 4:05 am
at first i loved my mother… and it was my father who i hated, but now i am lost.
there is ignorance in my mother passed onto me on the way i view the world. I was always on her side even when she is imperfect, that I failed to grow. i am afraid to hurt her, since many people made her cry..but finding out now that it’s because of her inability to teach herself.
she’s fatalistic that she forces it to me…and all her shit.
i wasn’t even aware that she did cause me my low self-esteem for making me believe there is something wrong in my personality.
When I am confused to socialize with others and ashamed of things I am not sure of. She was even more ashamed of me and confused me more…
She loved me, that feeling was so strong that i didn’t abandon her early and why i cant abandon her now. She’s now sickly and old but the same old soul.
how can i live my own life? I am now 30 years old..by the way I’m not from the US…
I want to leave the house but I am the eldest. Father had died, which made the burden lighter since he had been bedridden for 12 years and caused so much anguish in the family even before his paralysis.
Probably I have a supportive family still but I am already cold. They have already hurt me when I do not talk and I know that they are same people who are imperfect and hurtful. I do not want to have a family.
I do not trust them to love me.
it’s ok for me to live in isolation, that is my plan, to start living a new life. But I don’t want them to be hurt…I just want them to forget me. As I forget them.
June 15, 2011 at 4:06 pm
just do that which makes YOU happy….at times we focus on others so much that we forget ourselves…you owe it to yourself…..there’re lots of us that feel like that. the most we can do is give ourselves the opportunity to feel the joy of life after a lifetime of being hurt by the people who were meant to love us the most.
May 20, 2014 at 7:38 am
I am not from the U.S.. I understand your deeply entwined need to fulfill filial duty. Most Americans do not have a clue as to how enmeshed families are in Europe and Asia. Start by claiming the right to go out and have fun. The hollering starts immediately. You will be “ungrateful, going to hell, crazy, a slut”. But, you have the right to a life of your own and can still do your duty, along with it. It takes courage and wax ear plugs. Good luck.
June 11, 2011 at 1:04 pm
I am 50 years old an only child and I struggle with my relationship with my Mother. She makes me feel guilty constantly. We have very little in common, she is a born again christian and would rather help out at the church fair than attendher daughters graduation!
I am a person-centred counsellor (no religion) and my Mother just does not ‘get me’
About an hour ago I paid my Mother and Father a visit, taking a gift for my dad and the DVD of my daughters (their grand-daugter) baby in the womb at 32 weeks.
This should have been a lovely moment for all of us but as I was leaving I over heard my parents calling me to one another (they thought I had left but I had gone to the loo first) I heard them calling me and saying that I gave them nothing…didn’t laugh at Dads jokes…did not compliment my Mum on her hair etc etc…… I was so shocked and hurt to hear them that I ran out. They knew I had heard them at this point as my Dad tried to call me on my mobile. I could not speak to him for the lumpin my throat and hung up!….any thoughts anyone?
June 15, 2011 at 4:01 pm
50years old and you feel like that? am 22 and feel almost the same way…one night i also overheard my parents discussing me n it was so hurting…just dont let them get to you. you have one life to live and your business is life is not to make them happy, its to make YOU happy. dont feel too bad about it. i also hurt at times, and cry a lot but most times i just dont give a fuck.
June 15, 2011 at 3:47 pm
Thank God for this blog.its completely relieving to know that am not the only one with a crazyass mother.GOD MY MUM MAKES ME SICK! she’s evil,she’s wicked, she’s emotionally mainipulative, she’s nagging, she’s a control freak, shes just horrible. i hate to say this but i almost hate her and dont like her at all. she’s been both pysically and emotionally abusive, she once threatened to kill me..i remember that afternoon when she beat the living shit out of me with a machete till its leather casing broke, she cut me with it on my thighs and till today i have those marks of the pain she’s made her business to drive me through.every time i go swimming with friends i haave to churn out a lie about where the marks came from.everytime my boyfriend asks me where i got those marks i lie that i fell off a bike but even he knows thats not true
she held the machete over my chest and threatened to stab me- i was around 14 and i was honestly scared, she’s completely nutts and i really thought i was going to die.
one time when i was in college my final year project crashed the day b4 presentation and she didnt care at all, when i had to stay up till 9pm in school with a guy friend who was helping me re do it, i couldnt find transportation back home that late. so i called her to pick me up, i was completely desperate so who else could i call if not my mother??-i was 19 then.. my dad wasnt in the country. she got so pissed off that she did not talk to me the whole way home…the silence in the car was just awkward, she didnt like that i had disturbed her peace that night. the next morning at around 5am b4 leaving for work she quarreled me so much over it making all these ridiculously false accusations…not even caring to wish me success with my final year project presentation that day. funny thing is during my graduation she was there pretending to be so happy, buying me a biq banquet of flowers to congratulate me and all i felt was so much resentment,i really wished she did not attend that graduation.
she’s turned me into a person am not when am around her. when am myself i am happy jolly, confident and brilliant girl. but when around her i turn into a scared withdrawn distanced person walking in eggshells around her. she never appreciates me, i can never do anything right by her, she complains about everything i do. she’s never told me she loves me–okay she wrote it twice in a text message and i loathed it coz i knew it was not sincere…. she’s never proud of me much as i have had a number of commendable achievements in my life. at home she talks mean to me, i cook food but she always complains that its not good…either its cold or boring, or sth.even when the other members of the family clearly commend my cooking- am a pretty good cook btw.
hence i enjoy every little moment i spend away from her. she makes me feel bad about myself and about our bad relationship.i dont like her at all and she doesnt like me either but i stopped caring about that a loooong time ago. now am just looking foward to the day i’ll move out, be independent and start my own family. am actually scared of having daughters coz i cant stand having anyone feel for me what i feel for my mother. but i pray everyday that my own family will be a happy closed knit family.i pray everyday that i’ll treat my children with honour and respect. that i’ll love them with a mothers geniuine love and that in their own eyes i’ll be a great mum. am building a strong career but my biggest mission in life is to dedicate myself to my children when the time comes. i want to be their mom, their guardian, their role model, their confidante and their friend. My own mom has done lots of horrrible things to be,she’s broken me inside..i feel dead at time. she’s hurt me in ways i can not even speak of, she’s done things i can not bring myself to write about or talk about, she’s caused me so much pain and so many silent yet painful tears shed in my bed, in the kitchen and in the tioilet….BUT i hope that with my own children i’ll never cause them a single drop of painful tears and that when i wrong them in any way i’ll have the strengtth to ask their forgiveness. i desperately want to have an excellent relationship with my children esp my daughter(S)…i desperately want to be the best mom to them and i know i will because am committed to seeing that happen.whatever it takes. because unlike my mum i wont approach life like am perfect and everyone else is not. i hope one day my girl will tell me i have been a great mum. and she will always feel loved protected and appreciated regardless of anything.
June 15, 2011 at 3:57 pm
GOSH!! thats tooo long. didnt notice how long it was when i was typing…..guess i may have been venting..ha!
November 14, 2011 at 3:21 pm
Omg thank god I’m not the only one!!! Here I am feeling as if I’m the only one That feels this way towards my mother
June 17, 2011 at 8:17 am
I’m glad to read this post – I’m also increasingly coming to the conclusion that I don’t like my mother very much. I do love her, but I don’t like her as a person, because I feel like we don’t have much in common. I’m a lot luckier than she was – having a better education, wealthier family, more interesting experiences etc. That difference is in part due to her hard work to ensure I got a better life than she had, but it still means I make different choices and sometimes I feel like I can’t relate to her.
I think the other thing that puts distance between us is the way she treats me – she can be nice, but often she puts me down, is judgmental of my choices and I sometimes get the impression she is jealous of me. I think being out in the world (since I moved out of home, got a job, had boyfriends etc) has given me a contrast between how she treats me, and the way other people do. So I can put her in perspective. I’m able to be a lot more objective about it now than when I was a teenager, but I also start to realise it isn’t just me being irrational. It can be scary sometimes, and it has been hard, to admit that my mother has some real imperfections, and that her influence on me may not always have been a good one….
I don’t want to be estranged from her completely, so we keep in touch, I make an effort, but I also keep a certain reserve and distance from her. I guess I am aware of her limitations and I take that into account regarding what I tell her, and when/how I say things.
Good luck with all your mothers! And for the teenagers, yes, things will get better!
November 14, 2011 at 3:23 pm
Wow I’m feeling the same exact way
October 12, 2011 at 2:15 am
hangover…
[…]I Don’t Really Like My Mother « ButtercupPunch – “La clique, c’est chic!”[…]…
November 5, 2011 at 10:25 pm
light and sound machine, brain machine,meditation…
[…]I Don’t Really Like My Mother « ButtercupPunch – “La clique, c’est chic!”[…]…
November 14, 2011 at 3:17 pm
Well atleast u have a good dad! I don’t have either:-(
December 11, 2011 at 4:39 pm
Be happy that your mother is that way.
Trust me, an “overprotecting” mother, like the one you seem to be missing, is MUCH MUCH worse. She will make you totally dependent on her and unable to cope with life on your own.
January 2, 2012 at 6:19 pm
My mum comes to stay, she then does stuff like lies on my sofa and calls me a cunt.and a bitch. last night i threw her out at midnight knowing that there were no busses for her to get… if i hadnt though , i could have hit her or something….. she makes me feel bad about myself… i try to win her approval im doing a degree, im a single parent, 3 kids 14, 12 and3 one is disabled, she never asks if i need help. but always wants helping. she never once asked me how my day went or if im ok with everything,
she had to walk 12 miles home……. but i guess thats better than death by daughter.. i feel so sad.
January 16, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I love my mother, but I don’t like her–and the “love” is more a sense of obligation than anything else. I feel jealous of friends who are close to their mothers, because holidays like Mother’s Day are fake and forced, and make me feel awkward as fuck. I can’t turn to my mother in times of crisis, because she will use that opportunity to explain how it’s all my fault.
My mother is emotionally manipulative and controlling, and has always forced the entire family to rearrange their lives to align with her views of how things should be. My father totally bent to her every whim and endured her verbal abuse, and took his frustrations on being married to a controlling shrew with his own special brand of emotional and verbal smackdownery that he unleashed on us kids . From an early age, my mother has done things like tell family members to return gifts they had bought for me because she was sure I had somehow manipulated them into spending their money (her issues with me usually centered around her being convinced I was evil in some way). Her main control tactic is fear—she likes to make people afraid of anything she did not personally approve and endorse. No wonder my siblings and I all ended up with depression and anxiety.
Mother and I have got into many vicious verbal and some physical battles over the years, and she’s told me many times that she does not know how “someone like me” could be her daughter. Hearing that used to sting like a hornet, but I now wear it as a proud badge of honor, since “someone like me” is a kind, caring, person (25 years it took for me to realize I wasn’t evil!) and someone like her is a sanctimonious, martyring bitch.
It’s taken over two years of therapy and much, MUCH study in human relations to develop a semblance of emotional intelligence, since it is impossible to gain any sense of that when your mother is an overly critical iceberg.
Now that my siblings and I are old enough to support ourselves, we are finally getting away from her and her madness and she can’t stand it, because she has no one left to control but my poor father, who is left to deal with her shit. Now the both of them bitch endlessly about how much they gave up for us and how ungrateful we are and blah fucking blah blah, pretty much because we all want to get away from their cauldron of madness and live peaceful lives. I used to let that make me feel bad and I admit I gave up many years of my young adult life to do their bidding, but I wised up and that shit is over with.
The only sad thing part is that I have no real relationship with any of my siblings because my mother would talk shit to each of us about the others, and like another person mentioned, would then make pleas for us to “just get along,” which of course didn’t happen. So now we are all more like neighbors or old classmates than siblings.
Anyway, I am going to be living halfway across the country from mother and her bullshit in a few short weeks and I. can’t. wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(deep breath)
Ok, that was a much needed vent.
March 25, 2013 at 5:40 am
Hi,
I can totally relate to your story. So have you recovered? How are you now?
Mara
February 3, 2012 at 6:59 am
Corner Punch…
[…]I Don’t Really Like My Mother « ButtercupPunch – “La clique, c’est chic!”[…]…
May 19, 2012 at 10:18 am
Hey, I just came across your post and wanted to leave a note of support.
I am mystified by the societal assumption that mothers are loving, sane, honest people. Consider that 80-90% of women will have at least one child. Can we really assume that all those women are loving, sane and honest? If the world had such a high percentage of loving, sane and honest people, we wouldn’t have the global problems we have.
I look around at unrelated, unlikable women who are also mothers. That two-faced gossip at work? A mother. That mean girl from high school who just got meaner in adulthood? A mother. Tonya Harding? A mother. And so on.
Ditto with fathers. Consider that Osama bin Laden had about 60 kids. Parenthood did not make him a better person.
So, this means that someone had to be the offspring of these unlikable people. Yet, few want to admit that, as we saw demonstrated by the angry post from Jacko above.
June 17, 2012 at 9:21 pm
Good grief. Waaah waah waah… My mother is overcontrolling, I don’t like my mother, she criticizes me, yack, yack, yack. If she didn’t leave you in a hot car to die and fed you every day and kept you clothed, you’re doing better than many in this world. Ever stop to think you all might have been a pain in the ass daughter or son? Noooo–y’all are perfect!! Just the fact that it’s always someone ELSE’s fault tells me all I need to know about this dysfunctional group. Try a little tenderness. Be forgiving. Some people have mental health issues–might be your parents–might be YOU.
And realize that people have opinions–frankly, I think many of the ones I have heard here SUCK, but if you were related to me, I wouldn’t “cut you off” because I didn’t like what you were saying. Grow the hell up. Compassion is an element of maturity you know. You get one set of parents, and when they are dead, you WILL feel sorry that you didn’t at least try to have a relationship. Look at what you’re teaching your own kids by your conduct? You may think they’ll parse out a lesson of “exception,” but they won’t. They’ll deliver unto you the same “Fuck YOU” goodness that you’re visiting on your parents–a real nice vicious cycle.
Sad.
July 24, 2012 at 10:26 am
YOU ARE RIGHT AND WHINING IS NOT GOOD….mental health issues are at the root of a lot of these issues. My own mother suffers from NPD. Recently I spent 16,000 dollars to get her out of a nursing home and into rehab and nurses at home. She thanked me by cutting me off forever. You are downplayng how painful it is to be the child of certain metal disorders. Some of these folks are in great pain because of the mental abuse heaped for years upon them. Starvation and heat stroke are not the only ways to abuse a child. Your lack of education in the mental health field and your lack of empathy show.
June 27, 2012 at 10:07 pm
Dewey..you saved me a lot of time..you expressed my sentiments exactly..Thanks. Siobhan
September 22, 2012 at 10:48 pm
Jesus to criminy. Dewey and that other person must have serious parent issues at home they are refusing to acknowledge.
;(
namaste from one of those -heartless bitch adult children- of whom the trolls feel that all-consuming need to villify so mcuh becaues they can’t stand up to their own demeaning authority figure.
huh.
September 24, 2012 at 10:56 am
I was unable to put into words what the major issue with my mother has been, until just now. She uses love as a weapon. Do it my way, or you are disowned and will be denounced to all the rest of the family. That has been her modus operandi for as long as i can remember. Love is not a weapon.
It is wrong to use it as such. Am I wrong for allowing this last ” You are not my daughter, and I never want you to contact or visit ever again, to stay permanent? I usually apologize for having dared to do it my own way. I do not feel like doing that. She has my number and can call any time. Why do i feel guilty?
September 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm
hell no, I’m agreeing with you on that bit. My head has been sick all this week, os If I misworded due to that or my aspeger’s I am sorry about the wrong verbage, okay?
September 24, 2012 at 5:48 pm
seriously, my head has bfelt SO bad this week, I don’t even remember who I was talking to. OF COURSE you havethe right to stand up to the person who is hurting you, of course. Anyone who says otherwise is a loon. That is not what I was saying! ;)
I was wondering out loud why people sometimes come on here and troll the people like US who are trying to find ways to do just that or vent about our home life. Did it not come out that way? Or did I misinterpret (DAMN ASPERGER’S) what I was reading? ;(
September 30, 2012 at 3:55 pm
I found this post my searching, “I don’t like mother as a person.” I don’t really like her. I use to, but as my values started to change around 25 I slowly began to grow apart from her. We always talk about her hair, what she should wear, and as soon as I start talking about the state of the world and what I want to do about it she pretends to listen while she is glued to twitter on her iPad. I’m 27 and she is 43 (yeah she had me at 15) I feel like I’m talking to a freaking 15 year old most of the time. I enjoy shopping and all of that but as I get older I’m learning life isn’t about shoes and getting money. I think she is going through a mid life crisis because It seems shes growing backwards. She gets this glow in her eyes when I mess up, but I don’t even think she would ever admitt it but she wants to be better than me.
October 20, 2012 at 12:05 pm
WOW just what I was looking for. Came here by
searching for Immigration Lawyers in Essex
December 25, 2012 at 11:02 am
I am extremely impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on your weblog.
Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself?
Either way keep up the excellent quality writing, it’s rare to see a great blog like this one these days.
January 31, 2013 at 12:32 pm
Wow…u described my mother. The weird thing is that I ended up marrying someone that reminds me of her in a few ways.
March 25, 2013 at 5:33 am
… story of my life. How miserable. My father is not much better either. They are both dysfunctional asses.
May 14, 2014 at 9:30 pm
I don’t like my mother at all. She is mean to me, self absorbed, and only cares about money. The older she gets, the worse it is, and she manages to be even meaner and nastier 5th am the previous year. She only calls me when she needs somthing, 99% of the time it’s money, and never taught me anything motherly (sewing, nice things you know). She always tells me what a bad indifferent daughter I am to her and how this is my fault we don’t communicate. Not sure how that happened. Honestly, I just wish she would leave me alone.
May 20, 2014 at 7:20 am
My Mom is dying of liver cancer at 88. She has been selfish and cruel to her family most of her life. Nothing personal, just cannot see others for her own concerns. She has many good friends though. She seems able to be a friend but not a good mother or wife. I love her and hope she has peace. I forgive her those incredible hurts and hope I have not done that to others. I’ll trust Jesus to forgive her and I will, too. She just received communion in the Catholic Church, and is at last at peace. Funny, all the mean has gone, now. It was a bad habit I guess.