Question of the day: “How do I talk into the telephone?” No, it’s not some wonky novelty telephone shaped like Betty Boop or anything. It’s a standard telephone.
There will be more. I have no Percs. Tolerance level: Low.
UPDATE: 4 p.m.: I played tennis for two hours on the outdoor courts near my house today just to get away from the relentless nagging. When I returned, my daughter pulled me into the powder room and hugged me. “She has not stopped bugging me for two hours. She either nags me or asks me 100 pointless questions. I cannot believe what you have to tolerate. I am SO GLAD you’re my mother and never do that shit.”
The minute I exit the powder room, however, she starts in on me. She just gave me shit for failing to take the cocktail shrimp ring out of the freezer last night. “You’re supposed to thaw them out overnight in the refrigerator!!! Now we won’t be able to eat them!!!”
I retreat to my boudoir so that I don’t put her into a headlock and smash her noggin through the antique china cabinet she constantly tells me I don’t polish enough. She just opened the door and walked right in.
“Why do you keep your bread in the freezer?” she asks snidely.
“Because it goes stale and Alex only eats toast anyway, so we just pop it in the toaster.”
“Well your daughter wants a sandwich. I managed to find two slices of leftover bread in the breadbox that you didn’t use for the stuffing. Is she allowed to have those slices?”
“YES, for God’s sake. You came upstairs and walked into my room to ask me if my daughter could have two slices of bread? YES! OF COURSE!”
But I know the real reason she interrupted my peace and quiet. The real reason was to shame me because I keep my bread in the freezer. I am a bad person. Only idiots freeze their bread.
December 25, 2008 at 12:20 pm
“Take it out onto the sidewalk and scream at the top of your lungs!”
Then call the cops and tell them that a crazy woman is out in the street yelling into a toy phone.
December 25, 2008 at 1:17 pm
My mom always asks ridiculous questions and plays dumb too. I think this is what the psychoanalysts refer to as the role reversal (you becoming the parent).
You are a saint, and your posts have been hilarious. Merry Christmas, and good luck with the rest of the visit. If I had some percoset, I’d be FedExing it to you.
December 25, 2008 at 2:41 pm
Ah, Sarah, you are an evil genius.
Trixie? You should have answered “I don’t know.”
Too bad FedEx is closed, or I would overnight you some pills.
December 25, 2008 at 3:42 pm
I love that you say “powder room” and “boudoir.” It’s so Blanche Devereaux.
December 25, 2008 at 7:09 pm
I had a similar “I’m so glad you’re my mom” moment with my own mom after listening to my grandmother berate her for wearing her hair naturally.
I try to remember moments like that when my mom plays dumb in order to frustrate me.
December 25, 2008 at 9:46 pm
i told you not to put the bread in the fridge!
trix, you should consider going into the witness protection program and cutting off all ties with your mom. or you know, just cutting off ties with your mom!
December 26, 2008 at 12:08 am
i freeze my bread too. bitch has got to go!
December 26, 2008 at 10:37 am
I also freeze bread. My mom always did it when I was growing up. I guess we’ll see you on that special level of hell reserved for bread-freezers. It’ll be fun!
January 6, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I think it is so sweet the way your mom is reinforcing your relationship with your own daughter! See? There is an upside.