Earlier this week one of our readers wrote us and asked for some advice on getting down menage a trois style. This is a tricky area of freaky-deaky and one that should not be entered into without careful consideration and resolve. I’m certainly not an ‘expert’ on the topic but I have participated in various multiple partner pairings (MFM, FMF, FFF, MFMF) so my thoughts after the jump.
1. Don’t be coerced into doing something you’re not otherwise fully interested in.
The typical reaction to the topic of threesome is “”pathetic male fantasy”, wherein the dude is serviced by two women at the same time or gets to enjoy the visual stimulation of watching two women in bed together. Sounds like a great time for dude and a lot of work for the ladies, right? Ladies, if this what your man has been whispering in your ear about and you are less than excited about the idea then don’t do it. A threesome should be a highly erotic experience for ALL parties, which means at least two of you are going to need to have some serious and honest discussions beforehand about what you hope to get out of it.
2. Know your fantasy as well as your partners.
What kind of threesome gets you hot thinking about it? Is it girl-guy-girl? Guy-girl-guy? Daisy chain? Okay, what actually happens? Let’s go with the example of a girl, her male partner and a third girl. How would you feel if your partner was having penetrative sex with the third? Is that a turn-on or does the thought make you insanely jealous? Would you prefer to be the only one having sex with the third? Is your partner okay with that? What if two of you end up pairing off in the heat of things and leave someone unattended for a bit, would that be the worst thing that could happen? What if you and your partner had sex and the third acted as a voyeur, would that heighten the experience? It might seem tedious or exhaustive to talk through so many different scenarios but that is exactly what you should be doing before wandering into threesome territory, trust me on this. Without knowing exactly what your fantasy and your partners fantasy is, you leave the door wide open for all kinds of hurt feelings and huge misunderstandings.
3. Friend or stranger?
Ahh, the eternal question. Do I want to fuck people I know and risk altering an established friendship or do I look for some strange? This is really going to depend on you and the people you know. I honestly can’t say one way or the other that one is better or worse, just think carefully about the decision and above all PRACTICE SAFE SEX. If you decide that going outside the pool of people you know is the better option but don’t know where to look for a third, allow me to introduce you to the internet and the “lifestyle”. The swinging lifestyle, that is. There are lots of forums, message boards, whathaveyou where people post personal ads for just such a thing. You can also check out local alternative papers or even Craigslist if you dare. Again, I refer you back to #2 for things like hygiene, mutual attraction, etc.
Go with what you know: I’ve had threesomes with friends, both male and female. In my experience the sexing I did with my girlfriend worked out as the better option, probably because I knew her well and was closer friends with her than I was with the male friend. (These were two separate pairings, btw). With my girlfriend it was more of shared experience, we were very good friends and each time we found ourselves in a 3-way sitch it was spontaneous and the guy was someone we were both attracted to and wanted to sleep with. The fact that we weren’t opposed to sexual contact with each other was more like a fantastic complimentary wine instead of being the main course. Because of our friendship I never felt weird afterwards and neither did she, but obviously every friendship is different. With my male friend it was actually more awkward for him, at least initially. He was asked to join me and my BF at the time, I believe my BF broached the topic first of wanting to see me with another man. My friend (he was really ‘our’ friend) did the typical act-like-it’s-no-big-thang but when it came time he was hella nervous. All of a sudden the plans changed and suddenly he thought it would be “hot” if he pretended to film us as we got started. So he grabs the camera and makes like a director (albeit a silent one), moving around the bed with us in the lens. I was busy, well, getting busy but after a while I noticed that Marty Scorsese over there not only was still fully dressed but was wearing these blacked out Terminator sunglasses indoors as he kept that camera pressed tightly to his eye. To make a long story short, he was nervous as hell and thought if he dimmed the view it would keep him from exploding in his pants. Eventually he made it into the bed with us and sexing ensued, but later he and I would end up meeting up on our own for sex so yeah, refer to #2.
So, boys and girls, in conclusion; threesomes are an exciting, highly charged and sexually thrilling experience that can heighten physical and mental pleasure for all involved. Can they spice up a boring sex life? Absolutely. Will they ‘fix’ a failing relationship? No, likely the opposite. A threesome and your participation in it can be as tame or as adventurous as you like, the key is to think long and hard (heh heh) about what you want, have VERY honest discussions with your partner about what you BOTH want and don’t want, and set those boundaries in place. Whether you choose to invite a friend into the bed or pick up a hot stranger at a lifestyle party, above all, be SAFE in your sex practices. And then come back here and tell me all about it, you naughty thing.
August 14, 2008 at 12:58 pm
While I’m far too square to ever try this, it’s all so fascinating to me. I watched this show on VH1 about couples who went on these “swinger” vacations, tailored around the wife exploring her bisexuality. This couple owns a business that sets up these trips to the Caribbean, where couples all get together and basically, the women try the waters and see if it’s something they’re really into or if it’s just a phase. It was really interesting.
August 14, 2008 at 1:08 pm
Whore.
August 14, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Typical Tuesday night at Casa de Kadinsky. Then everybody plays Jenga and has some soda pop.
August 14, 2008 at 1:41 pm
While I love, love, love discussion of and sexytime teasing re: threesomes, in all likelihood I would fucking CUT a bitch and besides, M is adamantly opposed.
But it’s totally hot to talk about.
Threesomes in theory FTW!
August 14, 2008 at 1:43 pm
I’m still jealous of my former best friend’s experience with two marines in Norway. Now I’m jealous of you too.
After this week I’m going to stop responding to these types of posts with the message that I need to get out more.
August 14, 2008 at 1:44 pm
@SBJ: I’m with you. Hot in my head, disaster in practice. My imaginary celebrity sandwiches include:
Gael Garcia Bernal/Me/Joaquin Phoenix
Nicole Kidman/Me/Liv Tyler
Among others.
August 14, 2008 at 1:45 pm
@haguenite: I’m going to come visit you and I am going to forcibly drag you and your wooden shoes out of the house. And you will love it.
August 14, 2008 at 1:49 pm
@TF: I WOULD!
No. Actually I’d probably start mumbling about not having scheduled any of this dragging, and I need scheduling. I need to know what is going to happen when. I’m somewhere on the autistic spectrum when it comes to this. I think I might faint if I didn’t have at least 4 days advance warning about any type of outing.
I so need a some-Jezzies meetup when I go to London in January.
August 14, 2008 at 1:49 pm
@Tailfeather- MMM Joaquin Phoenix.
My husband said yes to a Kelly Clarkson/me/him threesome. And I said yes to a me/Peyton Manning/ hubby threesome.
All of which will never come true. Only in my dreams!
August 14, 2008 at 1:52 pm
I would always think that I’d rather be the “featured” stranger in a threesome than be a part of a couple looking for a third. But with simple friendly 3s and 4s and whatnot it doesn’t really matter.
August 14, 2008 at 2:00 pm
As much as I would like to pretend that I’m open-minded about stuff, I know for a fact that threesomes will never be my thing.
1. I have enough trouble getting one guy into bed.
2. I’m an extremely jealous person.
3. I’ve watched a lot of CSI where people have threesomes and then somebody dies, and then Grissom waxes philosophical on people’s sexual proclivities while looking around the room for semen with his black light.
August 14, 2008 at 2:06 pm
we need more details, such as:
who goes where? how long do these last? how do you know it’s over? do people send thank you cards? etc!
August 14, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I also am a jealous person, but more than that, I’ll admit, I’m horribly selfish in bed, and the thought of other people having more fun that me…probably not going to fly.
Still love the idea of it though.
August 14, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Good guidelines, K. I’ve done both MFF and MFM w/ my M, and had different experiences, although both “thirds” were long-time friends who I’m still very fond of. However, both thirds live in other cities, so there is/was little risk of it becoming a regular thing; more a hoopty-do! when someone is visiting. We used condoms in every instance, but one of the thirds gave me/us trich (minor, but still! my only STD ever!), so yeah, be careful.
For the record, I prefer the MFM: more mannfleisch for me!
August 14, 2008 at 2:11 pm
I am not comfortable doing it in front a mirror, so I don’t think that I’ll be menaging anytime soon.
August 14, 2008 at 2:17 pm
Best threesome experience I had was with two male doctors I worked with. Neither of them were the type that I would consider dating, but they were fun, good-looking, and extremely interested in me. They were best friends and remained so afterwards, and I never felt awkward around either of them.
I doubt I’d be that interested in a threeway with my current man, and he’s never expressed any interest in it either. It was fun when it was with guys that I didn’t really care about emotionally, but it would get a lot more complicated for me when real feelings got involved.
August 14, 2008 at 2:34 pm
@Scoregasm: You played “doctor” with two doctors! At least you knew that you were in safe and capable hands!
@M: Do you take breaks? What if you go to pee and the other two stop, what do they talk about in the meantime?
P1: “So, that hail today, eh?”
P2: “OMG, I know! I was stuck on 880 and I thought this semi was going to crash right into me!”
P1: “No! That’s awful. I’m so glad I stayed home, to…you know.”
P2: “Heh. Heh-heh, yeah…”
FLUSH.
P1: “So…”
P2: “Um…”
P3: “Why are you guys acting so weird?”
August 14, 2008 at 2:51 pm
@M: Thank you cards! I love it!
August 14, 2008 at 2:58 pm
@M & DotZ: Well, if ever there’s a perfect occasion for Vera Wang stationery, this has to be it.
August 14, 2008 at 3:02 pm
Closest I ever came to a threesome was an 6-some. Me and four girl friends had already joked about finding some guy (preferably tall so there’s plenty of landscape) to all hook up with at once. At a party, we grabbed one of the swimmers and all started making out with him/on him on a bed. He was in heaven for about 10 minutes. Then, drunks that we were, we got distracted and/or bored and just left him there. He was sad.
August 14, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I’ve had 2 3-somes, both were MFF. Both were with girl friends, the first dude was a random, the second was a fuckbuddy I’d had for awhile. There was never any weirdness, and it was cool and different, kind of like a notch in the belt sort of thing. I am glad the girls were good friends of mine, because they are total babes and people whom I know think the same of me, so no self-consciousness. I am way less inhibited being naked around men than women, for some reason. All-in-all, I prefer one on one sex, because I am an attention-whore, but I am glad I did it. Just one of those things that sort of puts a notch in your belt and helped me hone my sexual personality a little more. I will say that I am lucky, because there was no conversations about it beforehand, they just sort of happened. I doubt I’d bring a third into my current relationship, because I would get insanely jealous seeing my beloved get it on with another girl. I also think he would be weirded out by the whole thing. That’s why it’s good to have a slutty phase and sow your oats before you get all domesticated-like, I guess! :)
August 14, 2008 at 3:39 pm
P.S. My randomly-assigned avatar is like, the worst one out of all of them. So unsexy! WordPress, help me out!
August 14, 2008 at 3:41 pm
@nowimpissed: Wow. Poor guy. He coulda been a hero.
August 14, 2008 at 3:42 pm
@Scoregasm: I know exactly what you mean, some of my hottest threeways were with people I didn’t even like all that much. But DAMN were they hott.
August 14, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I need technical details. If you’re in a FMF, there’s only one dick. So if the guy is inside one girl, is that girl supposed to be doing something to the other girl? Or is the dude supposed to be doing something to her? Or does the third person awkwardly hang out on one side of the active couple, trying to butt in? I’m so confused.
August 14, 2008 at 3:50 pm
@D4L: Tongues and fingers, baby. Tongues and fingers. And some creativity.
August 14, 2008 at 3:52 pm
@Banana: It seems like you could pull a muscle, trying to do all that while you’re busy fucking someone else!
Also, this was my request, thank you for the post! I’m still hoping the boy is joking. It is a very VERY new relationship.
August 14, 2008 at 3:55 pm
@dictator4life: this is where #2 above comes in, you probably want to know beforehand how much activity you both can handle at one time. there are no ‘rules’ for a threesome, but if there is a goal then hopefully it’s to keep any awkwardness to a minimum, because who wants to go through that?
possibilities for the scenario you described:
– if the guy is in g1, g2 could be watching and/or pleasuring herself.
– if the guy is in g1, guy or g1 could perform oral on g2.
– if the guy is in g1, g2 could perform anal on either guy or g1 (or both if she’s got skillz)
really, it’s limitless – it boils down to what you’re comfortable with.
August 14, 2008 at 3:57 pm
@coopergirl: I know who can settle this: CINDYBIN!!
August 14, 2008 at 3:59 pm
@kadinsky: Thank you, I needed it broken down like that. I’m so straight, though, I really don’t think I could deal with being near another naked pussy. Blech.
August 14, 2008 at 4:13 pm
@M: That may be tough, there’s a Knitty Gritty marathon on the DIY network today.
August 14, 2008 at 6:57 pm
The not-boyfriend has been all excited for a MFF threesome, and I’m totally game, but I told him it was his job to locate a suitably hot female. Now that it involves work for him, his enthusiasm for a hot, hot threeway has given way to him going “would you eat her pussy while I fuck you?” in my ear while we fuck. Sometimes the idea of it is sufficient, esp. when your guy is lazy.
That said, I’d totally be up for it–did it once many years ago and had great fun. Also want a MMF threeway in the WORST way, but that may be because I’ve been watching too much of the US Olympic swim team.
August 14, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Scoregasm: Two male doctors? It’s like a porno version of General Hospital.
August 14, 2008 at 7:36 pm
@BeckySharper: Those swimmers have me all hot and bothered, too. Their bodies are AMAZING!
I did a FMF a few years ago as the guest star. The couple ended up getting married, and we’re still friends, so it ended well, but I didn’t get entirely into it because I just couldn’t get into sex with a girl. I thought I could, but it turns out I can’t.
I would love to do a MFM. Will someone send Michael Phelps and Aaron Peirsol or Cullen Jones or Ryan Lochte to me, pretty please?
August 14, 2008 at 8:02 pm
The idea of a MFM intrigues me, but only if there’s a way for me to be getting oral while getting fucked at the same time. If it involves my backdoor, though, it is OVER.
August 14, 2008 at 9:16 pm
I’ve only had a few three-ways in my life, but Ms. Kadinsky, you’re going to have throw in one more tri-paring:
TTT.
In short, for around five years, I was a male-to-female transsexual (see my Procession Gallery on my FB and MS for proof), and for one of those years, I was in a poly relationship with two other MTFs, both around my age at that time (early-to-mid 20s).
And none of us had surgery at that time, either.
It was pretty good, but I’m not too sure if I’d do it again with any combination of genders/sexes. Something about the third getting left out eventually, I think.
August 14, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Cameron@ Fascinating. The mind boggles at the sexual possibilities.
August 14, 2008 at 9:21 pm
@Cameron. You win. I’m having a really interesting time picturing all the various combinations of genitalia there…
August 14, 2008 at 11:13 pm
@Trixie: The possibilities are endless when you add transgender people in the mix.
@Becky: Well, if it helps, my main gal had (yep, past tense as of 2006) a nine-inch nail… it hurt to say the least.
The other gal was just right.
August 15, 2008 at 12:33 am
I have fantasies about threesomes, but dunno how well I’d like one in the flesh.
I’m more partial to MFM; when I imagine FMF, the other girl is only there because seeing me w/ her really turns on my man, which turns me on.
And of course it’s always mind-blowingly hot in my head, because everything is perfectly choreographed and no one ever gets an elbow to the nose.
August 15, 2008 at 1:15 am
@Ms. Librarian: Is Barry White playing in the background in your threesome?
August 15, 2008 at 8:54 am
Cameron: Ha!
I almost never listen to music whilst in the throes. It’s distracting.
August 15, 2008 at 9:33 am
@Cameron Tredici: join the party!
August 15, 2008 at 10:14 am
I AM ABSOLUTELY SCANDALIZED!!! Everyone knows that sex is between two people and only two people. And God, of course.
August 15, 2008 at 10:30 am
So slurpy dirty, I love it. But as a lazy person, I have a hard time even playing with myself, let alone with more people…hell even 69 is too much to work…
August 15, 2008 at 10:37 am
@kadinsky: Wait, what party? Why wasn’t I invited?
August 15, 2008 at 12:25 pm
@Cameron: WOW. I am so glad you brought TTT to this thread. How did you decide to go back to male?
LL: Yeah, sex can be so awkward in general anyway, adding another body to the mix seems confusing and rife with the potential for injury.
August 15, 2008 at 12:43 pm
@M: Thank you notes!! Does that “M” stand for Martha Stewart…you never cease to crack me up… :)
August 15, 2008 at 8:18 pm
@Ms. Feather: Well, the hormones didn’t like my thryoid very much, so there was that. And even though I made one last attempt in early to mid-2006, it kinda fizzled out, too.
Finally, after permanently getting away from the drama that was around me at the time, and after having some time to myself, I ended up deciding that that era of my life had come to an end, and that it was good while it lasted.
I may have to become a guest blogger to explain it all, but I think it’ll be worth it.
August 15, 2008 at 8:50 pm
@Tanya Espanya, yeah, 69 is enough, 96 is like too much work
August 15, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Cameron: Good idea.
August 16, 2008 at 10:04 am
I just have no idea how to FIND a third person. How do you even begin that conversation?
August 16, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Katastic:
“So, do you like . . . stuff?
August 17, 2008 at 1:50 am
I’ve had a foursome. MMFM. Highly recommended.
August 17, 2008 at 1:55 am
@dictator: The thing is, most guys can’t hang in a threesome, no matter the grouping. So you can avoid the backdoor if you are giving a little head while the other guy is doing oral or penetration. And yes, in my foursome there was no need for backdoor either. You just tucker one guy out and focus on the other two. They can never all come at the same time anyway.
Ahh… to be young and slutty again….
August 17, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Now I got a whole nother problem. What is the deal with guys and buttsex? No guy ever brought that up to me until last year, when I started dating guys who are younger than I am. Is this the new thing for guys between 22-25? Why do they all want to get inside my ass?
August 17, 2008 at 5:19 pm
@Ms. Dictator: Well, it probably goes back to when Sir Mix-A-Lot glorified the booty way back in ’92. Because his song and video went over well, a whole generation of booty videos gave young men–and a few women–something to think about.
Then, with the mainstreaming of porn, as well as the increased access to free content, those same people were able to see the possibilities to be had with the booty.
As a result, you now have those young kids literally wanting to tap your ass, as well as desiring deforestation of the delicate buttercup.
And there you go.
August 17, 2008 at 7:33 pm
@Cameron: The clouds have parted, and the sun is now shining.
August 17, 2008 at 10:38 pm
D4Life: Yes. I have noticed the same thing when I started dating younger guys after my marriage broke up. Thirty-five and under and they expect butt sex. Over 35? Not so much.
As always, porn is to blame. Bald beavers, implanted hooters, butt sex … it’s all thanks to the mainstreaming of pornography.
August 18, 2008 at 1:26 am
The young’uns also seem to expect you to “gush” or “squirt” every single time. I think porn is to blame for that as well.
August 18, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Hey now, don’t dis the butt secks! While I’ve never had a threesome, I’ve had plenty of butt secks, and it can be great. I am way over 35 and so are my current lovers-so I don’t think it is just the younger guys. It is just an individual prefernce.
It’s not for everyone though, and if someone tries to coerce you into it, in a twosome, threesome, etc, stand your ground, folks.
August 18, 2008 at 2:59 pm
I am so depressed…. apparently I have turned into a wise old crone. Sigh.
August 18, 2008 at 4:32 pm
@Tanya Espanya: I’m always afraid of farting in my dudes face or of my ass smelling bad, which is why I don’t 69. although I think he’s a fan of it… oh well thats what I get for being self concious.