Tailfeather: how was your doctor’s appt???
kadinsky: lovely as always, decided not to go with IUD
kadinsky: will try nuvaring for now
Tailfeather: really! cool.
Tailfeather: that’s supposed to be good, i think…
kadinsky: the phrase, “passing out from insertion” had an effect on me
Tailfeather: uh-oh
Tailfeather: the doctor said that???
kadinsky: yup
kadinsky: as in, she almost did
Tailfeather: oh, please, it’s not THAT bad
kadinsky: damn
Tailfeather: that being said, I’m not gagging to do it again.
kadinsky: i dunno, during my exam she was taking the swab and I asked, “okay, right now what you are doing i would describe as ‘uncomfortable’
Tailfeather: swabbing IS uncomfortable
kadinsky: to which she gave me the raised eyebrow and make this funny noise
Tailfeather: ha
kadinsky: and i realized the insertion would not be my cuppa tea
Tailfeather: what, are you supposed to like it? It is the definition of uncomfortable, in every way.
Tailfeather: well, let me know how the ring thing works out. i wish i had tried that instead of depo in college.
kadinsky: i was on the fence about the 5 years too – i would be majorly pissed if i had to have it removed in less than 5 years but i also do not want to be over 35 when i get pregnant so
Tailfeather: well, removal is nothing. You can get pregnant is less than six months if you take it out.
kadinsky: wouldn’t removal be fucking ‘uncomfy’ as well?
Tailfeather: i can tell you my freaky-ass story now!
Tailfeather: nope, i’m on my second
kadinsky: so its hurts going in but not coming out??
Tailfeather: yup
kadinsky: weird
kadinsky: story – tell
Tailfeather: Well, a few years ago, i had my finger up in my girl for some reason.
Tailfeather: I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for this, altho I cannot remember it.
kadinsky: oh, YOUR girl, ok
Tailfeather: My vag = My Girl.
kadinsky: i see, i see, continue
Tailfeather: anyway, i could feel a string, it was weird and foreign.
Tailfeather: And i got freaked out b/c I thought i had lost a tampon.
kadinsky: ha! (apropos today, btw)
Tailfeather: this happened to me once before and it was wholly traumatic, so i got a little panicky.
Tailfeather: like, in college, i had sex with a tampon in. my STUPID ASS BOYFRIEND could feel it but didn’t say anything.
Tailfeather: it got turned sideways and i had to have an emergency gyno appt to have it removed
Tailfeather: anyway, was not interested in a repeat performance, so i went after the string
kadinsky: with tools or what?
Tailfeather: i finally got ahold of it and, um, yanked
kadinsky: OW!
Tailfeather: just my fingers and some acrobatic contortioning over the couch
Tailfeather: and I PULLED OUT MY IUD
Tailfeather: there IS a string attached to it, which I had forgotten about
Tailfeather: are you gagging yet?
kadinsky: omg you just made my uterus retract………somewhere
Tailfeather: LOL. normally you cannot feel the string
Tailfeather: it was dislodged so I would have had to have it fixed anyway
Tailfeather: but i flipped my shit when i pulled this thing out
kadinsky: holy shit, I BET!
Tailfeather: My gyno said he’s never seen this happen before.
Tailfeather: I am constantly making medical history.
kadinsky: but it didn’t hurt??
Tailfeather: no!
Tailfeather: and that was a (not recommended) home-removal
kadinsky: jaysus
Tailfeather: hahaha
Tailfeather: omg, i KNOW
Tailfeather: ps – NEVER TELL
kadinsky: sworn
Tailfeather: i was so embarrassed
Tailfeather: my gyno was sort of amused/horrified
*Note: no uteri were harmed in the making of this post.
ButtercupPunch - "La clique, c’est chic!" 
July 8, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Nail in the coffin for any IUD temptation on my part! I cannot stand any foreign thingy in my body (sex toys aside). I threw the world’s biggest hissy fit after my last c-section and FORCED them to take that catheter out ASAP.
*shudders*
July 8, 2008 at 3:22 pm
Tailfeather, I just audibly gasped. Holy living shit. My uterus just seized.
July 8, 2008 at 3:29 pm
Home IUD removal. Good fucking god, my uterus is cringing and crying at the thought.
July 8, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Holy mother of shit! NOES! My womb just auto-folded itself into a little envelope, and is now flying from the Outbox in a terrible hurry.
July 8, 2008 at 3:30 pm
My god woman! Was that a US-made IUD, or was it a special UK edition?
July 8, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Holy crap! Well, I’m glad to know removing mine won’t hurt! I’ve been a bit worried about those little “t” arms.
Oh, and for the record – my insertion was almost totally painless (especially compared to the cramps I used to get), and my IUD is the best birth control *ever*! I got the plain copper one becuse I can’t do hormones of any kind, and it is a little miracle. I sing its praises to anyone who will listen (as you can see)!
July 8, 2008 at 3:54 pm
And I no longer have a vagina. It had withered away in fear.
July 8, 2008 at 3:55 pm
*has
Whoa, I just went to post this correction and got a nasty little message, “You are posting comments too quickly. Slow down.”
WTF, WordPress? Get out of my face.
July 8, 2008 at 3:59 pm
4 syllables: Va-Sec-To-My. I’m carefully chipping away the stigma, and the “but it’s my penis!” fears, and my Dude is starting to come around. Then, there will be peace and harmony and little blue birdies will sit on my shoulders and sing Prince’s kiss to me all the live long day.
July 8, 2008 at 4:06 pm
First of all, I really don’t know about IUD’s, but weird stuff in my cooter…NO.
es-ki-mo: I immediately neuter each male who enters my home and care. Now, that has always been pups in the past, but send your Dude down this way and I will take care of it for you.
July 8, 2008 at 4:10 pm
Dude, you must have a uterus of motherfucking STEEL.
July 8, 2008 at 4:11 pm
My uterus is curled in the fetal position, rocking back and forth in a corner.
My doctor recommended an IUD, but I was too skeeeered. Now, if he recommends it again, I will cower in fear and ask him why he hates me.
July 8, 2008 at 4:21 pm
Tailfeather: ps – NEVER TELL
kadinsky: sworn
Tailfeather: i was so embarrassed
Tailfeather: my gyno was sort of amused/horrified
This cracked me up.
Thanks – reason number 5,009,876 I’m glad I’m a lesbian!
July 8, 2008 at 4:23 pm
@dictator4life: why are they pushing IUDs so hard all of a sudden? 17 years of going to GYNs, and only in the last two years have they begun relentlessly hyping that thing.
I’M JUST HERE FOR MY PAP SMEAR. I’M JUST HERE FOR MY PAP SMEAR. I’M JUST HERE FOR MY PAP SMEAR.
July 8, 2008 at 4:24 pm
@BAngieB: Perfect!! Will you be around tonight? I’m putting him in a car right now.
July 8, 2008 at 4:25 pm
@bowling: ahahahaha!! that was our fave part, as well.
July 8, 2008 at 4:30 pm
es-ki-mo–the boy and I had a fight about that the other night. I withheld his dinner until he agreed that when the time comes, HE was getting the wiener snippage.
Luckily it was brats night, so he agreed pretty quickly.
And I fear abandoned tampons in my cooter more than a terrorist attack.
July 8, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Wow.
My OB/GYN just recommended an IUD. I’m “snipped”, but she told me it would most probably stop my period (I get bad clots).
So, yeah, not so sure. I think I’d rather go for the endometrial ablation after all.
So, anybody who’s had one, has it stopped your periods?
July 8, 2008 at 4:33 pm
However traumatized you were by this story, I can assure you that I was more so. I am sorry for everyone whose uterus has shriveled into a hard lump of fear.
Don’t let it put you off IUDs though. I am clearly a freak accident always on the verge of occurence. And yeah, it was a garden-variety Amurrican IUD. I think the only real malfunction was ME.
July 8, 2008 at 4:35 pm
@myrtlebeachbum: He was hawking the IUD to me b/c whenever I take hormonal birth control, I get so out-of-whack that whatever guy I was sleeping with, thus necessitating the birth control, runs away. So, um, now? I’m condom-dependent.
July 8, 2008 at 4:36 pm
@Jewels: Yup. And I do NOT miss them. I get some light bleeding every couple of months, but nowhere near the real thing.
@Truculent: I like to think so. Probably it is just scar tissue, though.
@Meghan: WordPress cannot compete with your superior mental agility!
July 8, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Mm, meats. So, yeah. Hey, B, the pup is getting fixed next week! Shrivel up and ascend, never to be seen again! Away, away!
July 8, 2008 at 4:38 pm
The “P.S. — NEVER TELL!” is my favourite part of this exchange.
Oh dear!
July 8, 2008 at 4:41 pm
kadinsky–Nuvaring? huh? Huh? How much do you love it?
July 8, 2008 at 4:46 pm
@trixie: Yeah, so much for that! My mom is reading this right now.
Oh, and we left out the part where I put it in a ziploc and took it to the doctor. Doggy bag, anyone?
July 8, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Tailfeather, my fear was that you’d say the cat got it or something utterly horrific like that.
July 8, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Not much fazes me and that just gave me cold chills. You are SO lucky Tailfeather! All I can guess is your uterus is lined with teflon, your cervix is like maleable plastic, and you have the pain threshold of God knows what…by all logic, you should have ripped half your uterus and most of your cervix out with that kind of removal.
July 8, 2008 at 5:14 pm
I say snip all the weens and be done with it.
Such as.
July 8, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Wow! I didn’t know my uterus could scream. Thanks for that.
July 8, 2008 at 5:38 pm
@NeverNikki: And I fear abandoned tampons in my cooter more than a terrorist attack.
That’s without a doubt one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard! I would have NEVER correlated those risks…priceless! May I quote you, please!?
July 8, 2008 at 5:53 pm
All y’all have to promise me that you will NEVER do Depo-Provera or anything else containing medroxy progesterone. Shite will fark you up for life.
Don’t believe me? Google that nasty stash and see how they use it for chemical castration of sex criminals in other, more health-conscious and enlightened countries than ours. Yay! Birth control that makes you, like, not want to have sex! That’ll work! Or maybe just google and read the sad stories of women (um, like moi) who were convinced they had lupus or multiple sclerosis after their first shot.
July 8, 2008 at 5:58 pm
I will echo Paisley’s sentiments on this one, bitches. DO NOT FUCK WITH DEPO. I can’t even get into it right now because I am in such a good mood seeing all the kickass commenters here, so trust me when I tell you:
– 60lb weight gain
– horrendous mood swings
– need for bone density scans
– fucking serious body image issues to fuck with your mojo
July 8, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Concur, Depo is nasty stuff that will change your body for the worse. STAY AWAY FROM IT!!! Patches, rings, and IUDs are the way to go at this point.
July 8, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Yikes!
I LOVE the NuvaRing. Love, love, love. Pills make me retch and I’ve never had kids so the IUD is out. But the ring… oh! sweet ring. My preciouss. One ring to rule the hormones, one ring to reduce periods from 8 days to 3, one ring to end cramps, and in the darkness bind sperm from making me preggers.
July 8, 2008 at 6:26 pm
@Jewels: No, I still get mine. In fact they are a lot heavier than they used to be. BUT (and this is huge) I no longer get the debilitating cramps that started PMS and continued halfway through my periods. They were to the point where I missed school (and then work when I got older) every month. My periods are also a lot more regular now.
@PaisleyPajamas, Kadinsky, AGreenEyeDevil: YES!!! I still haven’t recovered from all of the physical repercussions of my 2 years (1 sporadic, 1 continuous) on Depo, and I stopped using it *10 years ago*. Not to mention it depressed me so badly that I was nearly suicidal when I finally realized *it* was the problem. That stuff should be banned.
July 8, 2008 at 6:28 pm
@CeeJeeMcBeeGee: When you throw it in the fire, does the patient warning info appear in fancy glowing letters?
July 8, 2008 at 6:30 pm
@NeverNikki: I like the NuvaRing, it’s been about 4 months now and the only thing worth reporting is that my periods (which are def lighter) have refused to move to the week when you take the ring out. They like to stop by during week 2, but I’ve been having timing problems with my periods for a while anyway and that is all due to DEPO. Other than that it’s been great, no weight gain, no complexion problems, no making me crazy.
July 8, 2008 at 6:36 pm
@Kadinsky, AGreenEyedDevil, JustT: We seriously have to do a pow-wow on this one. I want to warn everyone.
I.cannot.effing.believe it is still on the market here as a method of birth control.
The clincher? My big peeve is how they give it to women at the low-income clinics who have had “unplanned pregnancies.” Yeah, people who are probably not insured who can’t even afford to go see a doctor and figure out WTF went horribly wrong.
E-SQUEEZE ME while I go have a hyperventilating temper attack over that bit of “healthcare” revelation.
July 8, 2008 at 6:43 pm
@JustT: LOL! Yeah, and it doesn’t bounce if I drop it on the floor.
July 8, 2008 at 7:06 pm
@CeeJee: “one ring to end cramps”
Dammit, why doesn’t it do that for me?! I love the NuvaRing, I really do. But just this morning I had some stabbing cramps, and it makes me grumpy.
July 8, 2008 at 7:06 pm
Depo frightens me. My best friend has been on it for about a decade, and she has to get yearly bone density scans — and she’s only 26! I also saw pics of her before she got on it, and there was a 40 pound weight gain or so after she started getting the shots. But she thinks it’s worth it not to have periods. I don’t think I’d make that trade, though.
July 8, 2008 at 7:19 pm
@dictator4life: your best friend is fucking mental, please tell her i said that with all the love in my heart b/c i was on it for 10yrs myself and i know it is making her crazy. and if it’s not, trust that it will – she’s already getting bone scans?!? there is a laundry list of other ‘minor health items’ that are attributable to Depo, you know – she should acquaint herself with some of the online forums.
also, there are other birth control methods available with MUCH lower hormone levels that will also stop your period.
July 8, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Former Depo user. Apparently, some kind of freak of nature. I had no problems on it whatsoever. No weight gain, no break thru bleeding, no issues. I stayed on it til just after 41. Suppose to take up to 18 months to regain fertility. Was pregnant 4 months later. Perhaps I should donate my body to science?
July 8, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Damn dictator…I had been on the pill for years and switched to depo. I was on it for about 5 years or so, and my ob/gyn said I had to come off it or risk early onset menopause. I’m 44 now, and fixed so no bc concerns. I’m a little concerned about your friend being on it so long at such a young age.
July 8, 2008 at 8:32 pm
@ kadinsky, neitherherenorthere: I didn’t know about all the other side effects, I just knew about the bone stuff and the weight gain. The lack of a libido kind of explains something too — she hasn’t had sex for two years, and doesn’t seem bothered about it at all! She says now that she doesn’t want children, but if early menopause is a risk, I might need to talk to her. She could change her mind one day. I’m sure her gyno won’t tell her things like that, b/c she’s the one who put her on depo in the first place.
July 8, 2008 at 8:32 pm
This thread is making the baby jesus cry.
July 8, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Y’all I just popped in to dance on the grave of Depo Provera in my red jammies with a pitchfork in my hand.
That shit is death.
July 8, 2008 at 9:25 pm
I just fainted.
(Pause)
Okay, better now. I had no idea you could PULL it out. My mom had one of the early 1970s IUDs–a Copper 7–and it perforated her uterus. It was some bad shit. I’ve been afraid of them ever since, even though my ob-gyn swears they’re totally safe now. However, the knowledge that I could yank it out like a tampon does not make me more likely to get one.
July 8, 2008 at 9:28 pm
@ BAngieB. Teh weens, they are not the problem. It’s the jizz that causes trouble. And yet, I do kinda love it.
(here endeth the overshare)
July 8, 2008 at 10:39 pm
Kadinsky, why you gotta play me like that? You know I like my IUD even after the initial pain of insertion.
Ladies if you want to get an IUD FYI:
1. There are 2 kinds; Minera 5 year hormonal and Paraguard 10 year non-hormonal.
2. You don’t have to have children to get the IUD, I don’t, but the plan is to never have them.
3. You don’t have to be over 30 to get the IUD, I’m 28
4. Yes it hurts like a bitch to get it put in, but the IUD is MORE effective than getting your tubes tied. Peace of mind is worth it.
July 8, 2008 at 11:19 pm
@Style Queen: Excellent info/points!
I have the Paraguard, and have since I was 23. This was 7 years ago, and then (it sounds like it might be different now?) they were pretty much refusing to give them to women who had not yet had a child and/or were under 30 (both of which applied to me). If I wasn’t jacked up over potential issues with fertility, what business of it was theirs?
I had to fight tooth and nail to make them let me get it. The nurse practitioner I had been seeing for my annual exams refused to even discuss it with me – though she had been fine with helping me destroy my body with Depo – so I had to make a separate appointment with one of the MDs in the practice. And HE was only ok with it because I had been through pharmacy school, had tried many other options, “was smart enough to actually understand the risks” (yes, he really said that!), was getting married (instead, I guess, of just being a slut who didn’t want to get knocked up?), and insisted on the IUD. They shoved every other option in my face repeatedly, all of which I refused. And in the end, they made me sign about 20 release forms saying if I couldn’t have a baby in the misty hypothetical future, it wasn’t their fault.
It did hurt, but it was like a pinch with a day of mild cramps afterwards. Again, nothing like the cramps I’d been plagued with up until then! And they acted all shocked and impressed and told me I had handled the insertion better than most women who have had a kid (and are therefore more stretched out?).
They made it a huge ordeal, but the end result – no babies, no cramps, no godawful hormones – was totally worth all the hassle.
July 8, 2008 at 11:27 pm
@Neitherherenorthere: that is really great to hear, i honestly so rarely hear of someone who has not had any issues with Depo. i’m really glad it didn’t affect you.
@StyleQueen: girl, you know i’m not hating on the IUD. if anything this is a cautionary tale about not pulling the damn thing out, otherwise i know y’all love yours.
July 9, 2008 at 12:05 am
@JustT
WOW I can’t believe that you had to go through all that to get an IUD. I know women the have got one out of college and have friends that say that it is virtually impossible to get one (lives in the South). I live in NYC and my Gyno is super rad and it was not a problem AT ALL. She knows I smoke up and has no problems with that either.
Questions for you, did your period get lighter? Mine used to be (what I thought) heavy, and now 4 months later it is 2x as heavy on the first and second days.
July 9, 2008 at 12:17 am
@Style Queen: Yeah, the hurdles was unreal. You’d think they would make it *easier* to help us prevent unwanted pregnancies.
My periods got heavier too, and (sorry if this next bit is TMI) it’s like the IUD thins out the blood. I used to be just fine with “regular” tampons, and now I have to use “super plus” for all but the last day or two. Oh, and it lasts a day or two longer than it used to.
And on the tampon subject – for people skeeved by the idea of having something (an IUD) “up in there”, I want to say this – I am hypersensitive to things up in my girly bits. I tried for several months/periods to use the Diva Cup and just could NOT get used to it. I can barely tolerate tampons. And I don’t feel my IUD the least little bit. I only know it’s there because I do the monthly “check” for the strings. Which I never EVER yank! Heehee!
July 9, 2008 at 1:23 am
I have loooong fingernails there will be no yanking happening.
@JustT: My Keeper Cup keeps overflowing (even with changing it 4 times a day) since I got the IUD, I think you’re right that the device thins out the blood or something.
July 9, 2008 at 8:35 am
I have a Nuvaring. It’s in the bottom of my dresser. I can barely stand shoving tampons up my hoo so I haven’t attempted inserting that baby up there yet.
Anybody have the patch? Does that shit really work? Inquiring minds with narrow hoos would like to know?
July 9, 2008 at 9:17 am
OK, that settles it! No IUD for me!
On to the endometrial ablation – yay!
Yeah I was on Depo too (for about 1year) and, other than much fewer periods, didn’t really notice any side effects. Then again, maybe that’s why I’m having problems now (?)
Man it’s hard being a girl sometimes…
July 9, 2008 at 11:46 am
Sweet Jesus. All of this has totally confirmed no IUD EVAR. I had the NuvaRing for a bit. Swore it was like playing ring toss with my man. I won a couple of times. Alas, no stuffed bear for my efforts.
July 9, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I need to point out that I am with Style Queen. Even after this heinous accident, I loooove my IUD and highly recommend them. Obviously, different birth controls are better for different people, but I rate IUDs very highly based on my own, um, GENERAL experience.
I’m glad we can all agree that Depo is Satan, though.
July 9, 2008 at 3:35 pm
Understand that I have no idea what IUDs look like I am HORRIFIED at what my very lively imagination has cooked up.
July 9, 2008 at 4:14 pm
@TwiceShy: I am less appalled to see an IUD come out of my uterus than I would be to see an INFANT, so there’s that upside.
July 9, 2008 at 9:40 pm
I second JustT. I went through three gynos trying to get my IUD. The first one showed me pictures of her kids, and told me about how happy she was being pregnant again. The second told me I couldn’t have an IUD because I was too young and had no kids, and even if I did she would’nt do it because it would make me infertile forever. For my third appointment, I went in armed with research and a fake engagement ring. I also picked a male doctor. I don’t think I needed the ring or the books, he didn’t oppose me at all. He just walked into the room and said, “so it says here that you want an IUD. Ok.” There were a few cramps in the beginning, and my periods are heavier now, but I LOVE my IUD. Much better than the pill or the patch (which made my ankles swell, gave me the shakes, and fell off at least once a week).
July 10, 2008 at 12:09 am
I loved the Nuva Ring- had horrible cramps and periods and PMS that almost killed me. And I mean that. NuvaRing changed my life. I had to stop using it two months ago, due to blood pressure problems– cannot use any hormonal BC anymore. It won’t be the solution for everyone, but it’s a great option for some of us.
July 10, 2008 at 9:34 am
Amoureuse- I’ve been using the patch for about 8 months now, and I love it. I’ve heard that some women have problems with it falling off, but that’s never been an issue for at all. But then, I have pretty dry skin and yoga is my only form of exercise. I think that it may be a different story for folks with oily skin or who are really active. Also, I used to have debilitating cramps which have decreased greatly in intensity since I started the patch. I love that I don’t have to think about taking a pill everyday. Actually, I had a bit of a pregnancy scare after forgetting to take the pill, and after that, I promptly switched. Also, I think the boy likes that he can actually see the birth control- makes him feel better I guess after our little scare in October.